Yesterday, I was sending an email to someone and I came across an old Law school colleague in the little auto fill jawn, so I decided to look her up.
Be careful when you do that shit.
I did a search and learned via the NY Times that she got married last fall to a FOUNE jawn, that she met in law school as well.
When Black folks make the NY Times marriage section, its not a game. Black folks IN “the paper of record?” #ummhmm. I smile every time I see somebody I know in there. The sociologist in me looks at the class background of the bride and groom or bride’s and groom’s, their education background, their parents occupation and their ages.
I started beating myself up, like she crazy young, she did really well in L school and she got a boo thang AND they both lawyers.
THE FUCK?
However as I spoke to Court Bear my dating coach I realized:
a. I only know part of her story. And based on my research on Black women’s sexuality over the last month, there is a LOT of performance going on, and I should be mindful of the assumptions that I make based on appearances.
b. When I started Law school, I was engaged, I gave back the ring, and I moved out. So what the fuck was I complaining for. I had it, I walked away from it. Black girls ain’t victims, they make choices. It’s really bugged out when you realize you are longing for something you already had. #Pitypartymuch?
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c. I have been fortunate to have people love me, dirty drawls Love. I dated a giver this year honey. Once you do that, it ain’t no turning back. The blessing and the curse. This winter/year is teaching me how special and rare that is.
It was like….um, don’t be romanticizing people ish, because guess what, “Now that you got it what chu’ gone do with it.”
I remember the weeks before I moved out. That August night when I hung that diamond cut diamond (which The Google has just reminded me is accurately called a Marquise, ah, now I remember honey) around my neck the way Carrie did in SITC. I know, dumb corny, but in some ways I was saying, treat me right or leave me alone. Shit Carrie did it, I can do it too. #ummhmm.
Peace to #Josephine and Black girls who stay having jobs in recessions and having jawns regardless of the season AND who do searches that bring them reality checks and Love bears. Embrace it, Can This Be Life?
You check yourself mentally lately when comparing your life to someone elses?
Who helps bring you back to reality when you are having a pity party?
You look someone up recently and regret it? Appreciate it.
i love alla this!
Facebook is all about that, isn’t it? I hate it so. But aaah, a giver. We all NEED one.
Damn Gina!
So…I compare myself to other people all the time. All. The. Time. It’s really hard with the internet and the Twitter and the Facebook too, because people are constantly updating their statuses, showing you photos of the cool, amazing things with cool, amazing people that they’re doing every second of the day it seems like. It definitely makes me feel like “Why am I not there?” But..it’s like that quote from “Thieves in the Night”: “Be a lot going on beneath the empty smile.” You don’t know the full story. And on the outside looking in, maybe my life looks insanely great to someone else, because they don’t know what my interior life is like; what happens behind closed doors and whatnot.
Who brings me back to reality? Um, you, lols. Plus my Bay Area auntie, who, very recently, wouldn’t let me finish my sentence when I started talking about what I wish I would have done a few years ago. “You’re too young for regrets, girl, hush!”
My problem is that I read blogs and Twitter statuses of other artists who are my age or just a few years older and who seem to have it all together. It makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong; but I also know comparing yourself to other people is a surefire way to drive yourself nuts. Best to just stay on your path.
Which is 10 trillion times easier said than done, but it’s true. I think.
About 7 years ago I was driving through Newfoundland with my wife and daughter. There was an author being interviewed on the radio. I don’t remember his name, or his book, or anything else about him. But he said something that struck a chord, and has stuck with me since then:
“Don’t judge your insides by other people’s outsides.”,
I think I remember him saying this is an AA aphorism, but I don’t know. I’m not a 12 stepper, and the internet doesn’t shed much light on its provenance. But it seems like good advice, so I keep it in my pocket.
peace sis,
i just want to share a few things… the first is a quote i actually saw on tumblr “Never regret anything because at one time it was exactly what you wanted.”
also, in my opinoin, its never a good idea to compare yourself to others because ultimately how you judge yourself is contingent upon whom you comparing yourself to. for example, looking at the life of the aforementioned chic may make you feel like you arent where you re supposed to be. but looking at someone elses life may make you feel like you re on top of your game. so to resolve all of that in lieu of comparing yourself to others compare youself to who you were previously and then evaluate to determine if theres been any growth, or if there is anything you can do to be a better person (for yourself of course).
and as it relates to facebook and other social networking sites, take that info presented with a grain of salt, as everyone will have their “game face” on to present a certain image. it is my belief that for those who are really fulfilled and living a life they love no presentation is necessary, as they just live it without all the extra or the need to convince others.
As I wrote this….You may have subconsciously been on my byrd.
Um, you, lols. Plus my Bay Area auntie, who, very recently, wouldn’t let me finish my sentence when I started talking about what I wish I would have done a few years ago. “You’re too young for regrets, girl, hush!”
========
This! Honey. Fuck Shame. I write to keep us alive. #Ummhmm.
Love
~#allcity
re looking jawns up.
sure did. looked up Brooklyn Boy in the summer on some “i’m turning 30 & will be in yo hood, so let’s hang” type shit.
game-changer.
carried on a summertime emotional fling, was fun, and painful, and eye-opening. realized that i’ve got to DO ME first. stop putting heads ahead of the things i want & need.
would totally do it again. i don’t think i would have come to this point…on the verge of so much WIN, had i not have reached out.
even when it’s hard and scary…progress is so worth it.
This summer my dad told me, sometimes you don’t know what is going to give you relief with an issue.
I took this to mean that I have to keep “turning” different valves to see what works, until something does.
He has been right about that. I happens to me again and again.