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No Time to Blog but…

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I saw this tweet and it spoke to me.

Have a good week.

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Sincerely,

~allcity

I Don’t Control Outcome’s #VulnerbleyFearless

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For T.dot, b/c he knows me better than I would like to admit sometimes.

Fork in the roads that arise while dating be trill.

In mid July, I ran into SD and he asked me how I thought he saw me. I said, “Well, you enjoy badu’n me and you enjoy my company.”

He was floored.

He asked what made me think this way.?? He said that he liked me as a person too. I responded. Well of course, that goes without saying.

He asked to walk me to the train. While he has put me in cab’s he ain’t been a? “Imma walk you to the train” kinda person. I was surprised. He wanted to talk.

I explained “Dude, these are the rules that you laid down months ago. All I am doing is making it explicit.”

He then asked how I felt about him, I said that “I have adored him. That meant that if he sent me a text message on a summer night at 10p m, and I was tired and just got home from a? shift, BUT wanted to kick it, I would get dressed, get a cab and come meet him.”

He was silent.

I went on to say “The difference I think is that I have changed my p lans for you, I don’t think you have for me.”

I meant no malice when I said it, I was actually hella honest, more honest than I could believe really.

He was silent, and said that, “Well, you can make plans for us.” And he is right, I could have, but my rationale is that the planner pays, and it has n’t been in my means to do so. However, this can be negotiated because I have other friends I do stuff with were the costs are shared or one person holds the other down and vice verse. I guess there just has to be space created for that.

Its been a little bumpy between us because we have a kickin’ it spot th at was a neutral space, a neutral space that I negotiated for WAY BACK when, because as a Black woman, having a safe space in public to post up in important to me.

I try and find one in every city.? It makes life better. In terms of the neutral spot, he brought someone (whom he termed innocent), I brought someone (not so innocent), he invited a blind date. #ummhmm.

Part of me is like, its cool, it is what it is, another part of me is like, can we go back to the original steez?

Then, we hung out just on some friends catching up steez. Normally the energy between us either crackles, that be part of the daggumit problem, or it is just regular. That night was a regular night, and I wasn’t pressed. On top of that we couldn’t find a place to post up, he was tired, I WAS tired. #Yawn.

Then he offered to play me the new Bilal (which was unreleased at the time), so I perked up,? then he rescinded because of some plans he made. My feelings were hurt.

We have since talked about it and? I was like dude “that ain’t even a way to just treat a friend” on g.p. let alone a boo thang. He? said he had thought about that too and apologized. It was nice to have that acknowledged.
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Then of course there is young Bacon Grits. He love HOARD. I enjoy it. I mean he takes pictures of me that look like this.

Josephine saw that pictures and was like #girrrrrrrrrl. I didn’t see what she meant, but now I do.

However he and I be beefing over ideas, ambition, work, the best way to go about shit. And as far as I am concerned, I need passion in my life. Not just passion for me, but a partner has to have a thang that gives them JOY when they jump outta bed, feel me. And he is working on cultivating that thang in the mean time a part of me is like “nains, remember the last time you had a passion beef, you left an entire apartment behind.” #Ummhmm

But I ain’t that person anymore either.

At the same time he was? observant enough to point out to me that he knows that I need to eat not when I am hungry, but right before I get hungry to avoid me turning into an #allcitygremlin. #Word. #WeknowBlackgirlssnackhabitsin 2010?

The truth is, I love both of them. In the name of all things #fearlessyvulnerble.

The Love is different for each, but its there.

I Love myself as well. This means that I try and do what makes me comfortable and try to be honest. In some ways writing this post is part of keeping it honest AND a part of not controlling outcomes. Feel me?

Again with regard to outcomes. I certainly have NO idea what will happen.

Fall is coming, and perhaps because of that, I been feeling some kinda way.I? have more work than ever, so I think my kickin’ it time is more precious than before because there is less of it.

And its #libraseason?

This been on my bird. It feel good to say it. I don’t mean no harm.

Why is it so hard to do shit and let go of the outcome?

You do that recently?

You ever share a kicking it’ space with a boo?

Was I bold for what I said?

Real Spit. #Oakland

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I am so Glad my mother is alive today.

Some shit went down in Oakland that I can’t get into and I think that much of the subtext of distress/anger I been feeling this week has to do with the fact that it is only by God’s grace that a bullet ain’t strike her.

That she is still alive.

As many of you know I was working on a proposal to study the impact of Crack on Oakland specifically but cities in general.

In one of my classes, one of my peers asked me the “so what” question.

The “so what” question is basically “who should give a fuck about the fact that you are doing this” question. It is reasonable. Right?

But peep game, this woman’s project was four condom. Meaning that she censored herself out of desire of be published.

People without heart need to stay out my face. #OnEverything.

Trust. I want to be published however, I am not gone compromise my heart to do it. I am the person that has to live with that shit every day, not anyone else.

And if I do compromise myself to do it, I ain’t gonna be up in people face ‘taumbout the “so what” question.

In class, a colleague spoke up for me, because I honestly was in shock and ain’t know what to say.

She said that my project has meaning for people who are interested in:

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Violence? as a Public Health Issue

Drug Policy

Race, Gender and Drug Policy

Race and Public Policy

Modern US? City History

The Crack Epidemic and the Global Economy

Etc.

For me. Violence is a feminist project. Violence is a huge part of my work because so much of where I come from is marked by it.

My mother’s experience reminds me.

I am glad she is alive. I almost ain’t have my mother, and it kinda got me fucked up.

Thank you for reading.

~Renina

Freedom Is Expensive or/ Being Sponsored is Being Owned

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About a month ago, Jonzey and I were having a conversation
on Twitter where she mentioned that she didn’t know that Miami had
sugar daddies.

And I responded saying something along the lines of, Being sponsored is being owned.

I mean, the moment you do some shit your sponsor don’t want, you get silenced. As an artist, what good is your voice if somebody always nippin’ at it?

She responded saying that Sallie Mae feeling like a long leash right now.
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The conversation ended w/ her saying that Shit. Freedom is Expensive.

I love that quote because it rang true at that moment.

She is right. Autonomy and freedom are expensive. As women, and as women of color we are reminded of this shit on the daily.

Do you think Freedom is expensive?

Why or why not?

#myadviserISogoingtoKickmyass

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So I was in the library the other day, looking for a book,
and I came across Maria Meis’s Patriarchy and Accumulation

on a World Scale.

She got me open like a Black Moon tape.

I have been looking for ways to talk about the city + Black women + capitalism. But I didn’t have a framework. Still don’t. But I do I have
better idea of what I don’t want to talk about so that helps.

I use this title for this post because I don’t have time to be reading no unassigned work, so #myAdviserISgoingtokickmyass.

But this book does have me thinking about my dissertation, which is a ways off, however I have been a little troubled about my original idea (Women, Food, The City), which I will talk about in another post.

I have also decided on the topic for my interdiscp paper, on Black Womens Sexuality, more about that later too. So in some ways I feel like I got one duck lined up, gotta line one more up.

So here are some Maria Mies quotes that I found interesting:

On Technology + Job’s
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Not only were millions of jobs destroyed by the introduction of these labour saving technologies, it also became clear that there would no longer be any substitute for these jobs in the future, and the full employment, hitherto the central demand of trade unions in the North, was becoming obsolete, and, even more disquieting, these new technologies began to undermine the very definition of ‘work’ in industrialized countries. Machines were now actually making human labour more redundant, not just for a while but for good, it seemed.

Machines were now actually making human labour more redundant, not just for a while but for good!!?!?!?!? Word.

Before you say to me well Renina, machines create more jobs.

Do machines create as many jobs as they destroy?

What happens when a society that defines people by their work, massively unemploys a huge portion of its people?

Surplus Human Capital?

Industrial Societies #dontnoNaan’

On Food + Class

People in industrialized societies have a particular difficulty in accepting the fact that food still comes out of the earth, that land therefor is the foundation of food production and security. [I hate the term food security by the way. RJ].? They are usually ready to accept that land is necessary? for ‘underdeveloped’ countries, but they do not see the need to be concerned about land in ‘developed’ societies. They are also reluctant to step out of their given mindset and dream of another economy. They fear to join a process, which is already underway, and contribute their own creativity and energy. They want security before they step out of their own house…

She had me rolling when I read this. Shit is true tho, “People in industrialized societies have a particular difficulty in accepting the fact that food still comes out of the earth” unless is synthetic.

So my adviser may not #kickmyass after all. She may in fact appreciate the fact that I am thinking about the Big D.

Thoughts?