I Don’t Control Outcome’s #VulnerbleyFearless

For T.dot, b/c he knows me better than I would like to admit sometimes.

Fork in the roads that arise while dating be trill.

In mid July, I ran into SD and he asked me how I thought he saw me. I said, “Well, you enjoy badu’n me and you enjoy my company.”

He was floored.

He asked what made me think this way.?? He said that he liked me as a person too. I responded. Well of course, that goes without saying.

He asked to walk me to the train. While he has put me in cab’s he ain’t been a? “Imma walk you to the train” kinda person. I was surprised. He wanted to talk.

I explained “Dude, these are the rules that you laid down months ago. All I am doing is making it explicit.”

He then asked how I felt about him, I said that “I have adored him. That meant that if he sent me a text message on a summer night at 10p m, and I was tired and just got home from a? shift, BUT wanted to kick it, I would get dressed, get a cab and come meet him.”

He was silent.

I went on to say “The difference I think is that I have changed my p lans for you, I don’t think you have for me.”

I meant no malice when I said it, I was actually hella honest, more honest than I could believe really.

He was silent, and said that, “Well, you can make plans for us.” And he is right, I could have, but my rationale is that the planner pays, and it has n’t been in my means to do so. However, this can be negotiated because I have other friends I do stuff with were the costs are shared or one person holds the other down and vice verse. I guess there just has to be space created for that.

Its been a little bumpy between us because we have a kickin’ it spot th at was a neutral space, a neutral space that I negotiated for WAY BACK when, because as a Black woman, having a safe space in public to post up in important to me.

I try and find one in every city.? It makes life better. In terms of the neutral spot, he brought someone (whom he termed innocent), I brought someone (not so innocent), he invited a blind date. #ummhmm.

Part of me is like, its cool, it is what it is, another part of me is like, can we go back to the original steez?

Then, we hung out just on some friends catching up steez. Normally the energy between us either crackles, that be part of the daggumit problem, or it is just regular. That night was a regular night, and I wasn’t pressed. On top of that we couldn’t find a place to post up, he was tired, I WAS tired. #Yawn.

Then he offered to play me the new Bilal (which was unreleased at the time), so I perked up,? then he rescinded because of some plans he made. My feelings were hurt.

We have since talked about it and? I was like dude “that ain’t even a way to just treat a friend” on g.p. let alone a boo thang. He? said he had thought about that too and apologized. It was nice to have that acknowledged.

Then of course there is young Bacon Grits. He love HOARD. I enjoy it. I mean he takes pictures of me that look like this.

Josephine saw that pictures and was like #girrrrrrrrrl. I didn’t see what she meant, but now I do.

However he and I be beefing over ideas, ambition, work, the best way to go about shit. And as far as I am concerned, I need passion in my life. Not just passion for me, but a partner has to have a thang that gives them JOY when they jump outta bed, feel me. And he is working on cultivating that thang in the mean time a part of me is like “nains, remember the last time you had a passion beef, you left an entire apartment behind.” #Ummhmm

But I ain’t that person anymore either.

At the same time he was? observant enough to point out to me that he knows that I need to eat not when I am hungry, but right before I get hungry to avoid me turning into an #allcitygremlin. #Word. #WeknowBlackgirlssnackhabitsin 2010?

The truth is, I love both of them. In the name of all things #fearlessyvulnerble.

The Love is different for each, but its there.

I Love myself as well. This means that I try and do what makes me comfortable and try to be honest. In some ways writing this post is part of keeping it honest AND a part of not controlling outcomes. Feel me?

Again with regard to outcomes. I certainly have NO idea what will happen.

Fall is coming, and perhaps because of that, I been feeling some kinda way.I? have more work than ever, so I think my kickin’ it time is more precious than before because there is less of it.

And its #libraseason?

This been on my bird. It feel good to say it. I don’t mean no harm.

Why is it so hard to do shit and let go of the outcome?

You do that recently?

You ever share a kicking it’ space with a boo?

Was I bold for what I said?

Musing on The Window Seat Video

Earlier today, I was on the phone with Bacon Grits, chit chatting,planning my outfit, my day, flirting, and he asked me I had seen the Window Seat video?? I continued looking for my fuchsia leggings, turned it on, put him on speaker, and continued to chat.? I sat down in front of the computer half way watching, listening, and then I noticed, “Erykah Badu is stripping?”

Then I tell him, wait, is she going to get naked?

He says, oh you haven’t seen it, wait until the end.

We both sat there quiet as I listened, and watched. Absorbed.

The Evolving tattoo? **Done.

The awesome lace undies. ***Fancy drawls #somuchwinblackgirlwin.

Keep in mind that I have been bumping Turn Me Away (Get MuNNy) for the last four days. The fact that she says “Let me be your robot girl” had me in the air, as I have been on some #blackgirlsarefromthefuture since I got reacquainted with Janie and Their Eyes Were Watching God in January.

The video struck me for a few reasons.

First, American culture in general and pop culture specifically has never been a hospitable place for nude Black women. Let alone nude Black women making high concept music and music videos.

When I saw the video, I tweeted:

“When was the last time you saw a Black womens body and sensuality centered FROM her perspective in Pop Culture? ***waits.”

“Real Spit. Window Seat is THE embodiment of Vulnerable y Fearless. Given the historical treatment of Black womens bodies in pop culture. +And American history. Window Seat feels like a lightweight Corrective for “Venus Hottentott” and thousands of nameless video vixens.”

The second reason that video hit me in my gut because some of my work is on Black Women’s sexuality and pop culture. THIS was the first time that I saw a self possessed Black women express her sensuality, within in pop culture.

Black women’s bodies are ALL through rap videos, but their voices are muted. Interchangeable, silent bodies are how American Black women are presented to the world, globally, in music videos, by and large.

Think about it like this. If you watch Beyonce’s Video Phone you may feel interested in the costumes and the dance moves. However, watching Window Seat you feel propelled forward. #blackgirlsarefromthefuture. Full stop. You sit there wantig to know what happens next. The distinction is the level of both intimacy and vulnerability that one performance has that the other lacks.

As I watched Erykah Badu, I thought of all the semi-nude and might as well be nude women in rap videos whose names we will never know, and if we don’t know their names, why should we care about them and who they are.

And don’t give me that “no one is putting a gun up to their head” to be in a video shit. People Love saying that, but d boys that sell crack “just need to feed they daughter.” Miss me with those. Our choices are limited to our options.

The third reason is that the video reminded me of Renee Cox’s work, in its fierceness, boundary pushing and its centering of a Black woman.

Renee Cox Yo Mama 1993

As I wrote this piece, I remembered that Erykah Badu tweeted a week or so ago that she had done one of the most scariest things in her life. I noticed the tweet and kept it moving. I now wager that, that experience must of been this music video.

I thank her for this, because it is the ultimate in being both vulnerable y fearless, which many of you know are two principles, I try as hard as possible to live by, and that I encourage others to do as well.

Other Reading Posts on Black Women’s Bodies:

I Know Why Zane Sells

Michelle Obama and the Black Female Body

Black Women Property Twice

Buffie the Body is Venus Hottentott

Why is it that we see nude and semi nude Black women so frequently yet this video hits us somewhere else?

Thoughts on Window Seat?