Black Women’s Sexuality Documentary: Can Black Women Reclaim Deviance?!?!?!?

Over the break, I was going back over my old posts and I saw that in two thousand and eight that I wanted to make a documentary after seeing Byron Hurt’s Barack and Curtis. In fact, I stated that I wanted to do FLOTUS and Nicki Minaj.

When I met with Boss Bear yesterday and told her what I wanted to do she asked me “What was I doing that was new?”, “What was my question?”, “Why a documentary?”.

She then zeroed in on my Byron Hurt inspiration, which is here. I would never think of doing anything around a binary in terms of Black women’s sexuality, because the binary is violent in terms of how/who it erases. However, knowing what I don’t want to do, doesn’t tell me what I am want to do.

I went on to say that I was using Nola Darling y Bryon Hurt’s doc as a point of departure for my new project…She challenged me as to WHY I was centering Black men’s voices but implying the influence of Ava Duvernay, Dee Rees, Gloria Naylor….

Naming is important. Peace to Quvenzhané.

I had no defense and simply said I was wrong and that I was thinking. I clearly know better, but it is important to see how we can not be aware of our own assumptions.

I went to sleep early, because I knew that I would wake up early processing the data. Before I went to sleep I re-read some work on Marlon Riggs, and I saw precisely what I needed to do, which was be brave and follow the heat.

The lesson, be careful who you use as a point of departure because you will be caught in the framework of their logic in your work. Choose deliberately.

But first, you have to learn that their logic. You can’t be in conversation with someone that you don’t understand, or whom you haven’t read.

I am not invested in a binary system of Black women’s sexuality or Black women’s gender, in fact it is why I am addressing the fact that Black Women’s* sexuality has an asterisk, because their are some Black female bodied people who do not identify as women.

Creating a project and coming up with questions entails a lot of sifting, and lot of condescending and doing what I call “looking for the heat energy.” Like where is the heat, where is the hot shit in this work?

Beep was clowning me because she thought I was talking about making a doc, like I was making a sandwich. She has an MFA, and so I respect and understand that folks need to have their work and time invested taken seriously.  In some ways, I was on some sandwich making in that I had not thought clearly about the narrative arch, and what I wanted to get out of the data. This distinction became clear yesterday in that boss bear made a clear distinction between getting a group of folks into a room to talk being a focus group, but what I was talking about was a narrative which answers a question.

#sandwichmaking. I like that.

So, I woke up with reclaiming deviance as a subtopic.

Why did I pick reclaiming deviance? Well, with reclaiming deviance, the politics of respectability is challenged head on, and  want that, I need that. Also, in my interdiscplinary paper, I talk about “ho tapes” and I talk about how ambivalent I am about “reclaiming deviance”, but ultimately, I knew this this would be the subject for the first video because I remember the conversation that I had on my blog. I remember seeing Pariah and the Black women responding and being like “what the hell do you mean by reclaiming deviance” and I know that the “what the hell do you mean” is what I want to dig into.

The other question lurking in here is that if Black women, reclaim deviance, what are the costs!?!?!

I will still engage Nola Darling, The Steve Harvey Industrial Complex, and MSNBC’s/The Washington Post and other folks investment in our dating lives, but my point of departure will be deviance, not these otro narratives.

Reclaiming deviance is about representation, power and Black women as subjects, as contradictory dynamic human beings and I am all about that. #fuckaBinary.

#Excited.

#Scared

#StillTrying

 

Free

Heart is broken. But I am free. And perhaps, most importantly, I have been transformed.

I am stubborn and typically only listen once I hit a bottom, I also listen if two different people tell me the same thing, I listen to the person I am dating, I listen to people who are more spiritually evolved than I am.

What I have learned is that I have an intimacy ceiling, that I keep most people at arms length and that if I want to grow, I need to figure out how to deal with at shit. stat.

The good and the bad news is that I will be going to see Erykah next week, to perform Mama’s Gun. What the fuck was I thinking?

Anyhoo.

A LOT of work on the back end here, than you all for supporting me.

The Black Girls Are from the Future Manifesto is coming…right now it is titled “The Historical Origins of Black Girls Are from The Future: BGFTF is a Fancy Way of Saying Fuck You..I’m From the Future”…..or “Black Girls are from the Future: An Oppositional Consciousness Rooted in the Day to Day Lives of Working Class Black Girls”<<< Or maybe these are subheadings FOR the essay. #WorkinProgress.

I am on deck to do some collaborative work  on why I think, as a Black Feminist, that Aaron Swartz is important, in spirit and in action to me and my work and to a lot of the digital Black feminist work.

There is a Black Girls Are From the Future short video Doc in the works.

Black Girls Are From the Future: Essays on Race, Gender and Pop Culture will be complete and for sale this summer.

Oh, and Black Girls are from the Future has been trademarked. #sayword. #Word.

However, in the midst of all of this, all of this gina, is that I have do deal with this ability to connect, to no sort people in inside and outside, rigidly because I don’t trust them. I cannot, write, blog, cook, eat, burbon, think, theorize swim my way through this. I simply have to address this shit. And I resent it. I resent having to do it. But I also know that I have been given a unique opportunity. Why is this a unique opportunity? Because, most people wrap folks in their own misery for years, rather then go deep into themselves and do that archival work. To find out the historical origins if your own/my own rage buttons.

How can you love another human being if you don’t understand that your first need is to trust. THE FIRST GINA. I haven’t been betrayed or anything like that. Quite the opposite. I simply have a hard time trusting. Now, some people ain’t shit, and you can’t trust them as far as you throw them, but some people CAN be trusted, and that is some shit that I have a hard time with. The rigid groups I put people into are no longer serving me, and I know I need to change.

I am also really clear on how much my work is worth, down to the cent, and I am moving about in the world with a very clear understanding of that.

I will not turn myself into an object. I will do my damnedest to do the work.

When I say everything for Oakland, I mean that shit. Doing that interior work will evolve me, when I evolve and can do the artistic work for myself and for Black girls in Oakland that I know I was put here to do. When I do that work, the connection, I believe, the ability to connect will become easier.

Thank you for the support.

You will be able to buy a BGFTF Bag and pre order the book here next week. Here is the BFGFT Facebook group, like if you wish 🙂

 

Logical and Emotional

I am as logical as I am emotional and this confounds people. Breaks them into little unintelligible peaces. Why?

What do you do with someone can think linearly, who can identify the logical conclusion of a line of reasoning, but who also understand that she has the right to cry if she so feels moved. What do you do with a person who creates the space for other people to feel?

My mother just made me so mad, I started cleaning to relieve the anger. I am 2000 miles away for Loves sake. And the bugged out part, is that while it was happening, I could feel it escalating. She pushed my buttons and I was not going to back down, because the issue isn’t what she did, the issue is a matter of principle. Remember what I said about logic?!?!?!

You have to teach the people around you how to treat you, even if it means intense moments of discomfort.

AND.

When you Love yourself, you stand up for yourself, (of course I understand that sometimes you can’t if it means that you may get killed #Oakland.)

</rantover>

Is it Me Or…………….

In August, I ran into a friend from the Bay who I knew when I was in high school. We chatted it up and exchanged numbers, and I assumed we may connect for an after work function, at the max.

He has sent me a text message once, after we exchanged numbers,  again a couple weeks later and yesterday when his birthday passed.

Is it me or is this inappropriate?

I am not a part of his inner circle and we were close once, but that was more than 10 years ago.

Which brings me to my question, is it acceptable for people who are in (presumptively) monogamous relationships be allowed to have passive contact with someone from their past?

Is this something that some heterosexual Black men do in 2012?

Am I putting 10 on 2 here?

Do you get random text messages from people?

What do you do? Ignore them?

 

Bodies or Taxes: Ideas on Gender and Technology

I am beginning to think that part of my calling is at the intersection of technology and social justice. I just had a really long conversation with a man of color who is a cybersecurity expert and it became clear to me that there is a difference between #ConservativeBlackpeopleiwithaGoodGovermentJob who care about social justice and those who don’t. The guy was nice and I learned a lot from him in our conversation about the history of the internet, but it became very clear that he was a boot-strapper, and that I felt that all of our boats would rise or fall together.

Now, in a  conversation with a White man who was also a developer, about a month ago,  we concluded that we are in the midst of a huge paradigm shift where we can either pay with bodies or taxes, made a huge impression on me. Because it showed me that there is immense thinking power that occurs when a person sits at the intersection of being a futurist, of understanding technology and has a sense of social justice.

I think it is very interesting when people bristle at the idea of bringing a gender lens to the underrepresentation of Women in STEM. How can we not when STEM careers are the careers positioned to grow in the next thirty years. When women are disproportional clustered in low wage service sector jobs, low wage care work jobs, I think that is important that we start asking where is the money, who has it and why?

I know that it can be difficult to casually talk with me, because in terms of gender I can see a persons assumptions 50 miles out, a good teacher and writer has to.

Why people be bristling?

Is it because the absence of women in STEM points to fundamental racial and gender inequalities?