For Colored Girls Who Considered Love….

Courtesy of @RichieFresh

Two weeks ago, I was out.  I wasn’t even suppose to be. However, I came across #Aquemini. Luminous eyes and June born. #Pow. I introduced myself to him and he kissed my cheek. Then he turned around and kissed Greeneye’s hand. I couldn’t let THAT ‘ish slide.

So we are chatting.  So I say, “Honey, can I share something with you, um, it’s not cool that you kiss women without their permission, I don’t really want anyone putting their mouth on me if I don’t know them.” He responded, “Well, I was just being a gentleman.” I said, ” I get it, you were trying to be, but honestly when a woman wants you to kiss her, she will let you know.”

He then left for a bit. Then came back. I was impressed. Why? Because men are socialized to resent being challenged by women, let alone a woman in public.

We chat a bit more, then he leaves and I go on about my night.

This Saturday, I am up, bagged packed full of books, at the brunch spot working on my lesson plan waiting for Greeneyes to come meet me.

And in he walks. #Aquemini. I was like, ummm, this is an interesting development. He invites me to come sit with him. I mention that I wanted to talk to him further when I last saw him but the circumstances didn’t permit. I tell him that he struck me because after I said something about the kissing without consent, he came back. That spoke to me about his willingness to listen and learn.

So boom, here we go, Greeneyes comes, and we are all eating and chopping it up. The energy is intense honey.

He keeps saying that he has met me before, and I am like blood no you didn’t, then I shared what @Afrolicious said about meeting somewhere else before we met here. It clicked. She was right. He ain’t believe me, but I understood.

What do I say, where do I begin?

Well the first thing is that we did a two step to Crown Royal on Ice at 4pm in the afternoon. Muerte.

The second thing is that I have never in my life hung out with someone who spoke to EVERYONE, joked laughed, entertained, yet I never once felt like I was getting played, like I wasn’t being attended to. You know how you be out with people and they got wondering eye balls and they be over associating? Well, #Aquemini was marinating both around us and with me. For instance, he was like “I like the natural color of your mouth, the way the color changes from the bottom to the top.” Who says things like this? Furthermore, there was a group of folks visiting from out of town, three women and two men. He gave ALL the women nick names, was chopping it up with the fellas. Again, it takes a certain kind of person to be out with a lady friend, engage with entire groups of people and holding both down.

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Greeneyes later said, man hanging with ya’ll was like being in a hot air balloon, and I felt her. I had to come down from it yesterday and bury my face in books for five hours last night. o.O
This is not to say we didn’t have a gender moment. So there was some point in the afternoon where cats, including him were being homophobic, saying no homo this, pause that. After everyone left I was like “Honey, you should know something about me. I do not tolerate that kind of language. In fact I find it just as offensive as when White folks say racist things around me.” I went on to say, “In the future, if that happens, Imma speak up, walk away, or both.” He tried to do the “I make fun of everyone” excuse. And of course that doesn’t matter to me, because when White folks say it its a cop out as well. Besides words have power, and bodies have histories. He listened to me and said “Renina, I know of other people who think like you do. I hear you.” #sawooon.

To be clear, I do not like feeling like I am being surveilled. I relish my autonomy. However, on this day I marinated in being with, even for a day. One of the women said, “Girl, I don’t know how you deal with him, how long ya’ll been together?”  I was like. “This is my second time seeing him ever in life.” o.O

The most absurd shit about the whole day. He stated that he adored me and would like to get off into my world, but contended that based on some of the demands in his life right now, he would fall back. I’m like nooooooooooooooooooooooooo #Aquemini.

In saw his heart, and I know he is angry and when he stops being angry, and forgives himself he will have more room for Love. But that is between him and his Jesus. Can’t no one make me do anything that I don’t want to, so I know better than to try and make others do the same.

I woke up with Bilal in my head. The joint is quite appropro and prolly will be on my byrd until I run into him again. #GodHelpusAll. #CantWaituntilSaturday. On the low.


Can you believe this?

Crown Royal on Ice two stepping?

Talking to other women but not violating?

Gemini’s be a handful, but they be on point honey.

On Being Honest and Saying No.

I finally laid it down with SD on Friday. He saw me and wanted to sip and I said sure. But we needed to talk first.

I basically said listen, I need to get off this ride. I adore you, we have a lot in common but you come at me like you want to have your foot wedging a door open. You see, last time I saw him, he didn’t speak, then rolled up a few minutes later taumbout, yeah I just wanted to say hello. I was like the fuck? In his defense we did just start back speaking, but I’m like #comeoneson. Be vulnerable. Or stop.

I know me/us, its only a matter of time before something out of pocket jumps off.  #History. Uh. No. I said “I am a gift. We all are. The difference is that some of us see it and walk with that understanding.”

He listened then said his work comes first. Boom. I am grown. I can accept that. I’m on that Bleek Gilliam. My work comes first too, most the time. So I get it. In fact, I have 4 fifteen hour days ahead of me this week.

At the same time,  I ain’t gonna be bopping around thrusting flirts at people I got history with. Energy is powerful and it moves, honey.

I light weight can’t believe I actually said it.

Why? Because the liminal space is comfortable, sorta. Or maybe that’s not it, it is familiar. Ok. #boom. I just knew that I needed to take responsibility for my role.

In the year 1843, it was officially called Lepidium Meyenii Walp. sildenafil price in india Whilst erectile dysfunction has a certain amount of stigma still attached to it, the cialis prescription australia view address now abundance of treatments now available and the researchers collect this herb from those regions in order to help ease all the erectile dysfunction. This broken chain causes penile erection issues and levitra canada prescription makes a man embarrassed, stressed. Better Sex Life It is important cialis super viagra for your health that you will be able to improve but your body’s health and fitness as well, so take time and do these exercises. So I said, I need to make sure I am comfortable and that I feel safe, so if I see you, I may or may not speak. Honestly, after that. I felt free. And it makes sense because the next day, at brunch, I ran into #Aquemini.

Keep the path clean.

The Original. #Aquemini.

And peep game, when I asked @afrolicious on Friday, what was going in the spiritual dimension of Wisconsin, she mentioned that well, things happen in that dimension first then we see them on the human level. I know I just looked at the phone and was like she be taking this #blackgirlsarefromthefuture ‘ish to a whole other level. However. I was suspect until….Saturday confirmed for me that she was right when I ran into the original #Aquemini at brunch…….you don’t know about my biggie wars. In fact it was quite pleasurable. Talk about becoming Janie

Do you believe that when one door closes another one opens?

Why people stay in your system until you ready to let them go?

How do you muster up the courage to have conversations you would rather avoid?

Thank you for Moya and Jessica.

For the last two years. Moya and Jessica have taken my calls, given me advice, listened to me while I was in tears and wanted to drop out.

Listened to me deal with breaking up with Filthy, listened to me deal with what it means to be a graduate student in a Research 1 University.

They are both hella busy.

Both dissertating. Both have jobs, family and Love bears of their own, yet they have taken the time to help me.

I am grateful, because they always challenge and support me.

Furthermore, they never play hide the ball on some “I ain’t gonna help her because she might get a job or fellowship I want” and they know #Blackgirlsarefromthefuture.
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You know how you call someone and say  “Hey, How do I go about finding a summer lecturing job doing the cold call” and you never hear back from them? Well, last week, I asked them both that question and they both answered quickly, with thorough assed answers.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you two have shown me what Love looks like while being Black womenin an academic space.

You don’t have to do what you do and I appreciate the fact, that, not only do you do it. But you do it consistently.

#Youareappreciated.

Love,

Renina.

Keep That Thang Clean…

I woke up with clarity this morning.

You know THAT post that I wrote last week, well, I ran into him again. I wasn’t even suppose to be out Friday.

I passed on going to see the free Bilal show. Up early at a fundraiser brunch at 8:30 am, taught at 1pm, the day was long.  I was tired, but I needed to go meet up with my homie Green Eyes and once I got out I just kinda stayed.

I was pressed and normally I dance, pray, or eat something good and lay it down when I feel like that. #nothtebestCompany. #WhenThingsbeonmybyrd.

Green Eyes bounced, then in SD walks, but I don’t see him initially, he was behind me. Then he and his peoples leaves.

Five minutes later, I am figuring out my next move and he returns to “speak.” I chat with him.

If I wasn’t so distracted by the things on my byrd,  I would have said, Aye blood, why you speak now, but you ain’t before?  But I knew what it was, desire is coming out side ways. That shit is young to me. We grown, be vulnerable or bounce. Where in the heck is #aquemini. Lol.

Then he prepared to leave.

Can I get a hug?
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Uh. No.

A kiss on the cheek?

Uh. No.

A pound?

Nah Blood, I’m cool on all that.

He can desire a touch, but you ain’t in touch with yo’ desire. #comeonSon.

See, I been waiting for more info and I woke up with it this morning, and rather then go back to sleep, I felt hella rested and decided to get into my day at 5:15am. I had a HELLLLA work today today. I might be on my 15th hour. (It feels good to write though) and I got a lot accomplished.

So yeah, those actions are not to be tolerated and I am going to have to shut it down. If you give some negros an inch, they want the whole #City.

Black Poets + Writers, Born to Stay Broke?

Langston Hughes x Underpaid Poets x DJ Kool Herc’s Hospital Bills.

There are a few things going through my head, clearly.

The first is, a couple of weeks ago, poet and professor Thomas Sayers Ellis took the cardboard cut out of Langston Hughes from Busboys arguing that it was disrespectful and that the poets are not properly compensated for the work that they do. The owner of Busboys responded, then the poets responded back with a letter.

The second is that a couple of weeks ago as well, DJ Kool Herc was hospitalized, and unable to pay his medical bills. Several rappers, along with writer and homie Jeff Chang, went on the internet and twitter to fundraise to cover the cost of his expenses. Apparently even Russel Simmons got involved.

The third is a few weeks ago, my homie Simone,  wrote a post in the Couch Sessions that questioned the validity of a Jewish photographer, Mike Schreiber, presenting his book about Hip Hop at a Jewish Community Center, in Chocolate City. While I did find her tone to to be overly snarky in tone at times, there was some interesting dialogue generated and she made insightful points about the implications of the spaces we choose to host hip hop affiliated events.

The questions that she raised triggered a conversation around “who does hip hop culture belong to.” This is worth while as I think that rap music and hip hop culture has gone global, it is easy to forget that the music was created in response to the conditions of the lives of some Caribbean, African-American and Latino kids in the South Bronx.

In fact, I often think of how low income Black and Latino kids are in an interesting position in NYC. They live in one of the richest cities of the world, and produce fashion, language and music that is then taken by corporations and resold back to them and globally as well, all mostly without compensation. I get this analysis from Philippe Bourgois’s “In Search of Respect, Selling Crack in El Barrio.”

Lastly, another thing that I am thinking about is how last week a commenter left a message on my blog that my blog is a public service, and that I deserve to get paid for it, because public servants get paid. I thought this was interesting. I have been thinking about what he/she said, and what it means for a reader to tell a writer that they should be earning money based on what they do. #SociallyRelevantAds?

So I have 9 questions.

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Is it possible for people who benefit from from an exploitive system, a system premised on getting the most out of everything while paying the least possible, to turn around and critique that same system?

How much should the Busboys and Poets poets be compensated in order for the compensation system to be fair and equitable?

Do DC poets need a Union?

Do rappers need a Union?

Would Kool Herc or the Busboys poets be in the position they are in if they had a union?

Do the writers at Huffington Post, which just got acquired by AOL need a union?

Why is a model where the majority of the writers are unpaid sustainable?

Should I expect to get paid for my blog, if yes, how would that change my audience and voice?

You know what, I just wrote a post about the political economy of Black Poetry and Hip Hop. #boom.