Frying Pan into the Fire….

Image Courtesy Allison Achauer

Well.

Today, I graded papers, made a mid term spread sheet and emailed it on time. Phew.

Spoke to my college roommate (first person I EVAR shared a room with) and told her I had NO idea how she went to graduate school for a Ph.D at 22. This shit is hard enough as old lady rap. It was nice to hear from her. She is defending in May, and she is going to send me her dissertation introduction and wants to collaborate on a project in the future. Win.

Today I saw the storify for Moya + Lex’s panel  Blackgirlsarefromthefuture x Octavia Butler at CESA, which I was suppose to be in Cali for. The storify had me blown. I was happy to see people be so interested in something we were talking about nearly a year ago. The room was packed. As (young)scholars we often work in isolation so to share the work and have it be appreciated goes hella far.

This evening, I played an awesome game of chess, where I realize I am now thinking two steps ahead AND I used my Rook and my Bishop together. The thing about chess is that its ALL process and I like that. Being trained to be a historian…I have to be into process. Process and context is really what it all comes down to.

Tonight I had a moment of serendipty where I walked out and SD walked in and I kept it moving, based on his facial expression, much to his chagrin, he he he.

Then I walked into the spot and there was Aquemini.

From the frying pan into the fire.

We ain’t spoke. And thats cool. Life happens, but the issue is that I reached out Thursday, and he didn’t respond and then I got an explanation tonight.

Black girls are from the future so they know they are a choice and not an option.

My feelings were hurt and rather than say that, I stayed for minute, spoke with my girl, used the rest room, didn’t see him and bounced.

My mind went to “What would the rook do?”

You and I both know that matters of the heart are not no daggumit chessboard, even though chess principles can be useful in terms of thinking things through.

I left him a message, and left the door cracked.

Courtbear, my dating coach said two things. First, she said, I be expecting people to do things the way I would do it. And she is right about that, and I am working on it. Second, she said people have to learn how to treat you, that it isn’t innate. I am not going to lie, this process is work honey. But the pay off is that  a Lovebear doesn’t to guess about what allcity likes.

Honestly though blood, I had to process that shit with the quickness, because I have hella work to do tomorrow, and even though I am certainly entitled to feeling my feelings, the outcome isn’t mine.

I realized that I fucked up when I wasn’t honest. I was neither vulnerable nor fearless and it shows.

What ever he did or how HE responded wasn’t any of my business. Looking back there really wasn’t space to have that conversation and you KNOW I am a space bear.

Resolved. I just needed to say my piece, and keep that thang clean. If I don’t keep the path clean then I won’t receive my gifts. AND I love the gifts, especially the human ones.

Energy Conduit.

Speaking to @afrolicious tonight she was like “Dang Gina, you went from furstration to acceptance just like that” and commented that it was probably because I am air sign. I was like how does that figure? She was like “You all  process quicker.”

Two things helped me to go from being angry to acceptance to forgiveness. First it was remembering that accepting people where they are and asking questions makes my life way easier.  That plus, no assumptions. No manipulation. Second was remembering that other peoples actions are none of my business. Nunya. That I need to have the courage to say how I feel and be honest. And so long as I do that God will take are of the rest. Boom.

I also have hella work to do tomorrow and I know that that work must get done and  if  I needed to dance tomorrow, then so be it. When I dance I am free. Boom.

What do you do to feel free?

When was the last time you went from the Frying Pan into the Fire?

Why is it that people who make your heart go thump thump, make your life extra hard?

Aquemini’s Helium Balloon

The last time I chilled with Aquemini, Green Eyes said being around the two of us is like being in a helium balloon and boy was she right.

After I left him yesterday I felt like I had Coltrane withdrawals, what every that fees like. However, it was nice to be able to just be myself around someone.

He did what he does, which his hold court and entertain, but in the midst of all of that nothing gets past him. Its bugged to be out with someone who see’s as much as I do.

#Intensemuch?

He kept saying, being out with you #allcity, is like being in a movie.

This is coming from a man who picked me up and walked out into oncoming traffic on 14th and U. o.O

At one point he was making bets with a young White cat on the likelihood of the last digit on the serial number of a dollar bill being above five or below five. The outcome of the bet would determine who would buy all of our brunches.

At another point we were at Davey’s a lounge doing way too much.

We are both similar in that we recognize the spirits in people, we just do it differently. He does so by speaking, to nearly everyone. I do it by recognizing that everyone has a right to be who they are. And intervening when it appears that it is not being recognized.

No se sponge bob. The outcome ain’t mine, but I would be lying if I didn’t want to run and hide or make a demand sometimes.

Oh, speaking of Sometimes, why I learn that that the first Bilal album was his top three, this is of course after I told him I woke up with Bilal’s Reminisce on my byrd two weeks ago.

Hot air balloons be fun, but when you go up, you got’s to come back down.

I need to be careful what I ask for, because I just might get it.

On Being Honest and Saying No.

I finally laid it down with SD on Friday. He saw me and wanted to sip and I said sure. But we needed to talk first.

I basically said listen, I need to get off this ride. I adore you, we have a lot in common but you come at me like you want to have your foot wedging a door open. You see, last time I saw him, he didn’t speak, then rolled up a few minutes later taumbout, yeah I just wanted to say hello. I was like the fuck? In his defense we did just start back speaking, but I’m like #comeoneson. Be vulnerable. Or stop.

I know me/us, its only a matter of time before something out of pocket jumps off.  #History. Uh. No. I said “I am a gift. We all are. The difference is that some of us see it and walk with that understanding.”

He listened then said his work comes first. Boom. I am grown. I can accept that. I’m on that Bleek Gilliam. My work comes first too, most the time. So I get it. In fact, I have 4 fifteen hour days ahead of me this week.

At the same time,  I ain’t gonna be bopping around thrusting flirts at people I got history with. Energy is powerful and it moves, honey.

I light weight can’t believe I actually said it.

Why? Because the liminal space is comfortable, sorta. Or maybe that’s not it, it is familiar. Ok. #boom. I just knew that I needed to take responsibility for my role.

So I said, I need to make sure I am comfortable and that I feel safe, so if I see you, I may or may not speak. Honestly, after that. I felt free. And it makes sense because the next day, at brunch, I ran into #Aquemini.

Keep the path clean.

The Original. #Aquemini.

And peep game, when I asked @afrolicious on Friday, what was going in the spiritual dimension of Wisconsin, she mentioned that well, things happen in that dimension first then we see them on the human level. I know I just looked at the phone and was like she be taking this #blackgirlsarefromthefuture ‘ish to a whole other level. However. I was suspect until….Saturday confirmed for me that she was right when I ran into the original #Aquemini at brunch…….you don’t know about my biggie wars. In fact it was quite pleasurable. Talk about becoming Janie

Do you believe that when one door closes another one opens?

Why people stay in your system until you ready to let them go?

How do you muster up the courage to have conversations you would rather avoid?