Crush’s and Being Human

Neens and D.J. Les courtesy of @sixfive

Thursday night, I went to a function.

Boom bap deliciousness, but I hadn’t anticipated it.

I had a big work day, and knew I wanted to chill later,? so I had given
KB a heads up.

Got a text? around @ 6:00 pm saying, “not going to be able to make it tonight.”

I was like word? Okay, thank you for letting me know.

Boom.

So I am out, decompressing, made a new lady friend, Connecticut Minnie.

I get a “Hey” text from KB around 7:30.

I respond. “Hey Love.”

“You get my Voice Mail?

I say, “Nah I don’t check vm’s, plus I am in a no service zone.”

He like, ” Oh two joints going on tonight, Black Milk and L.E.S spinning

I’m trying to go, would like for you to come.”

I’m like. Lawd I am not built for this.

First no, now, “Imma come meet you where you @?”

You know how you don’t wanna wait for somebody, but you
kinda do?

I couldn’t figure out where the LES jawn was, so I text J Boogie
and crew and they was like yeah girl, we here, come through.

He cool with J Boogie so I was like, ummp. How do I freak this?

Time goes by, I wait, Connecticut Minnie look at me,
and says boo, you want a ride? I am not going in but I will drop you.

I want to stay posted. She like YOU BEEN waiting, scoot, let him
swoop you. And I was kinda embarrassed because normally I be wanting time, places and plans LAID out, clean. I’m real particular about that.

But this, ummmp. New ‘ish.
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And that is not how THIS works. BUT its awesome, because
I am outside of my comfort zone, learning to do my part
and give the rest to God. Ummmp.

Fearless and Vulnerable, I’m trying at least.

The spot is all boom bappy and good. Like 1992 boom bappy.

30 minutes later. I look up Connecticut Minnie is there, I’m like WHAT, I thought you went home. Yeah, you came.

KB shows up, walks past me, thought he was playing me. Instinct
was to feel tight, but I know better, sorta.

I asked,? he say “Nah, I? ain’t see you.” Well he is near sighted. Luls.

“Glad to you see you made it.”

“Girl I came out here to see you, you think I came to see J Boogie,” lols.

“Of course you did.”

I dance, he don’t dance, but grabbed me.

“Watch you get caught up in my MEAN two step.” Looked at him like he was gone out his skull.

Lying if I wasn’t lightweight caught up in the mean two step, what part of the game is this?

Later that evening @sixfive captured the above flick.

I was kinda shook by how warm the colors are.

@Beautynubian says that I look like pure joy.

In some ways I think she right.

I had no idea how that night would turn out. And it was
lovely. My face shows it. Ummm hmmm.

Here’s to being more human humans in #2010 and letting
go of thangs so you can let OTHER thang’s do what it do.

Here’s to it all not needing time to be planned out down the hour and it being LOVELY anyways.

Letting go of anything in 2010?

Letting anything in in 2010?

Take any awesome smiley pictures lately?

How Zora and Jay Dilla Helped Me Claim My Crush

This one is for T.dot and Black girls desire.

A month ago, I read There Eyes Watching God in one sitting, in Oakland.

I hadn’t read the book since I was a 16. At that time I appreciated Zora’s use of language, but I didn’t have the life experience to appreciate the beauty of the ways in which Janey left her husbands but wasn’t crushed, the ways in which Janey held on to her humanity and to desire, and the general importance of seeing a Black woman’s interior life on paper.

Given the fact that I have been learning about centering women’s subjectivity, perspectives and experiences in my Women Studies course work, I immediately saw the significance of TEWWG. I also developed a critique of WHY Richard Wright didn’t get TEWWG. He didn’t understand the political significance of Black women’s voice’s, the importance of claiming desire and the distinction between speaking up and being voiceless in Black communities.

The origins of the US are rooted in Black women’s productive and reproductive labor in this country. So, if someone is affirming our interior lives,? it is most certainly a political act.

Wright wrote, in reviewing TEEWG,

“… The sensory sweep of her novel carries no theme, no message, no thought. In the main, her novel is not addressed to the Negro, but to a white audience whose chauvinistic tastes she knows how to satisfy. She exploits that phase of Negro life which is “quaint,” the phase which evokes a piteous smile on the lips of the “superior” race.”

Richard thought Zora was perpetually cooning, apolitical and setting the movement back.

Zora was affirming our humanity.

So how does this fit with my crush and Dilla?

A couple of weeks ago, my homie J-boogie invited me to a party at the end of February. Yeah for slowly? making new friends who invite me to stuff! WoOter. I learned that a friend of his, that I had recently peeped would be there, so I asked if he was single, liked Black girls and whether he was a raging misogynist. The answer was yes, yes and no, so I said, word? Crush Bears!

Silver leggings, green eye shadow. Outfit planned!

Fast forward to this past Saturday night. I walked into a function with Ms. Nikon Jawn and who would you know, my crush, KB is there.

I have a bit of a rubber face, so I was stuck, because my face said what my mind thought, which was “What ‘chu doing here, is that really you?” I had to collect myself. I didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t suppose to happen like this.

I had already mentioned to my homie Ms. Nikon the deal, so she insisted, “YO, go say something.” I was like, furrowed eyebrows, “NO!”

So we danced, chilled and danced and I kept an eye out for him.

Couple hours later, Ms.Nikon Jawn I are taking a breather,
and KB walks by. I stare, he waves. He comes over and introduces,
Ms. Nikon bounces upstairs to check on the time and I gather my courage to speak my piece:

KB: I saw you looking at me earlier, like you were mad at me.
R: Naw, I wasn’t angry, I was just surprised to see you, see
I know who you are, you are my crush, we both know J boogie,
and I planned on introducing myself at his function at the end of the month.
KB: He having a party? I didn’t know about that. [wow]
R: Yup, end of the month.
KB: So why me, not every day pretty girls come up to dudes, and say they have crushes.
R: I am at a point in my life where I am interested in being around people who are comfortable being themselves, and you strike me as one of those people. Your performance of Black male masculinity, is comfortable and eccentric. Me Gusta.

He nodded.

We chatted more.

We decided to leave and eat.
I checked in with my girl, said good bye and said,
“I see you, ummm hmm.” Told her to text me when she got in.

KB and I left to get something to eat.

I felt like Janey. Not letting the fear of rejection polarize me, choosing desire,
stating my piece and giving the outcome to God.

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He teased me, calling me Renina Jenkins. I was like stop or imma poke you.
Asked me how old I was, I handed him my ID, people
always ask me that ish, ‘cuz I read young but sound old.
I never show anyone my id. But I did that night.

Vulnerable y Fearless.

We talked about the fact that I have an old snow tubing tag
on my coat.
At one point he was being a little sassy and hurt my feelings
and I was like, yo, why you talking like that…he responded, I was just trying to impress you and be funny. I was like just be yourself, that’s good money as is. We were cool again.

We talked about his art.

Then somehow the Slum Village song, came to my head, it goes:

Le feeee, leee faaa, ohhh hhh aha aaaaaaaaaaaaah.

He was like, “They are saying, Don’t Sell Yourself
to Fall in Love
.”

I was like “REALLY? Wow, I kill rap lyrics.”

“How you know which song I meant?”

He said, “I could hear the melody, what does your hair look like?”

Done.

Two hours go by, talking and I realized that I enjoyed the conversation
because it was just that, a conversation.

Not where do you work, live, study? etc. After three questions from someone, I be feeling like am being interrogated.

On the real, sometimes, I be feeling like I want to hand people a resume when I first meet them just to get all those questions out the way. It was simply affirming to kick it with someone who didn’t act hella confused by my usage of “love bear” language, or the other eccentricities that entail this #blackgirlfromthefuture.

In fact, I mentioned to him that #blackgirlsarefromthe future.

He responded, “You should put that on t-shirts.”

“Its already in the works.”

In the end, I don’t know what will come of it.
We will may not ever see each other again. While I don’t wish for that I am cool with it.

You see, on Wednesday, I saw a conversation on gmail buzz that kinda had my heart in my throat. This crush experience was a nice recovery because it reminded me that, life is cool and that things happen on Gods time, not mine.

It also reminded me that yes, there are people in the world that feel me and can keep up, with they eccentric selves.? Umm hmm. I just have to be patient and remind myself that Change and Love are always possible.

#Crushbears2010!

You have any crushes lately?

You tell ’em ? Why or why not?

Zora and Dilla in the same post = #somuchwin

Future Global Gated Communites

I strongly suspect that our world is bifurcating into a global gated community where the folks in the first world/ global north will have access to:
Fruits and vegetables
Water
The internet
Physical Books
Information Economy Jobs
Jobs that provide direct support to the information economy

Whereas the folks in the third world/global south will:
Be the nannies, nurses and factory workers of the world
Be without adequate water
Subsist of off Mud Patties/ Fast + Junk food
Have limited or no meaningful access to the internet, outside of that for entertainment purposes

How did I get here?

Food.

Or more precisely vegetables.

Tom Philpott, a thinker, writer, environmental dude who? understands race, history, structural forces and labor, is the person that put me on to food deserts, which are basically neighborhoods with hella junk food but no fruits, vegetables and good grocery stores.

Perhaps most importantly he is the person who said outloud that cheap food requires cheap labor. I have never seen a White man with a public platform connect food, to labor and essentially globalization and race.

Reflecting on food and social justice on Martin Luther King Jr. Day last month Philpott writes,

In our society, there?s a strong focus on individual solutions to the problems I?m laying out here. Commentators focus on personal choice; we are urged to ?transform our food system one bite at a time? by exercising our consumer power to buy fresh, local, sustainably raised food.

But the choices we have are limited by structural forces. Yes, people need to take responsibility for their food choices, but if we?re really going to throw off the dead hand of industrial food, we need to transform the conditions under which people make their food choices.

Last week during the fourth day of the great blizzard, the Giant ran out of vegetables, so I schlepped a subway station and 5 more blocks south to Whole Foods for carrots and mushrooms to make baked ziti, and paid 25% more for the groceries than I would have at the Giant. I spent my pedicure money.? Its been eight weeks. Arrrg.

It was then that I realized that given our conversation’s about food, access to fresh foods, to fruits and vegetables is a privilege for the middle class and the elite.

I thought it was ironic that this was also the day in which Mrs. Obama launched her Let’s Move child obesity initiative I was hunting down vegetables for a weeks worth of dinner.

I had a twitter conversation about this issue with @Rafikam and he asked why don’t low income hoods?raise hell when they don’t have access to fresh fruits, vegetables and good grocery stores? He stated that if fresh fruits and vegetables weren’t available on the upper east side, there would be a ruckus.

I responded asking him:
Can folks in the hood can’t get d-boys off of their corners?
Can folks in the hood also stop the police from shooting them in cold blood?

We went back and forth and we both concluded? that the issue is both systemic and personal, simultaneously.

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So,? how do I tie this into global gated communities.

Ultimately there are a few things that have me thinking about society
bifurcating into two communities.

As I discussed above, the first thing is food.

The second issue that the Supreme court allowing the corporations
to classified as persons for the purposes of spending money
in elections. For me that is akin to a dope boy moving from the corner,
hustling, to moving to my living room to hustle. And daring me to say something about it.

What happens to a democracy when corporations can spend unlimited amounts on campaigns without having to disclose that they have?

The second is the Ipad/Amazon/MacMillan fall out. The gist of it is
that MacMillan and a few other publishers pulled their books from Amazon.com a couple of weeks ago. ALL their print and digital titles, while they tried figure out how much to charge for e-books, $9.99-$14.99.

The first thing I thought was, if books go digital, whats to stop them from being bootlegged like albums?

If books go digital, how will people in the global south have access to books that can help free them? Liberate them?

Let me put it this way. If the global south is being touted as the nanny/sexworker/factory zone of the world, why would the elites who run the global north give the internet to folks in the global south?

When you play chess do you help the other team win?

The fourth, I was reading Field Guide to the Global Economy for class and learning that when GM moved jobs from Detroit in 1996, they paid $18.96 an hour, when they moved to Mexico they paid workers $1.54. But the cost of a GM Suburban didn’t go down. In 1994 it was $21-24K, in 1996 they were $23,500-$31K

Funny, whenever we hear about jobs being moved, the actual dollar amounts are never mentioned. Puts things into perspective no?

The fifth issue that has influenced my thinking about global gated communities is the slow motion implosion of California, the worlds 8th largest economy and the privatization of the UC System. What happens to a state when working class and middle class parents can no longer send their children to a public institution for an education?

The sixth and last issue that has influenced my thinking is learning that that the igeneration expects to be connected digitally 24 hours per day. Sharon Jayson writes in USA Today,

Kathryn Montgomery, a communication professor at American University in Washington, D.C., and author of the 2007 book Generation Digital, hears similar stories from her students. “They tell me their younger siblings have different relationships with these technologies,” she says.

The difference is that these younger kids “don’t remember a time without the constant connectivity to the world that these technologies bring,” she says. “They’re growing up with expectations of always being present in a social way ? always being available to peers wherever you are.”

After I read this, I thought, what happens to a society where the young people expect to be connected digitally, 24 hours per day? How will this impact their ability to interact with other human beings without a layer of technology acting as a median?

Global Gated Communities?

Thoughts?

Am I wrong for nannies/sexworkers/factoryworkers?

“Niggers, Fags and John Mayer, Oh My”

The reason why Black women’s sexuality and pop culture is one of my research interests is because I know that when you dominate someone sexually, you dominate them physically and spiritually as well.

No one was put on this earth to be dominated, all humans
are intrinsically valuable, so I/we resist.

Before I get into John Mayer, I need to provide some background
on why I am writing this. I have an investment in writing about this because I had a turning point in 2006, while blogging about Don Imus and raising my hand in my Evidence class to counter a comment that a White male colleague made about the victim in the Duke rape case.

In thinking about John Mayer, I see how much I have grown as a thinker and a writer. This piece is another turning point of sorts. In some ways I found my blogging groove when Don Imus called the women on the Rutgers Basketball team Nappy Headed Ho’s.

What I knew then, that I didn’t have the courage to say is
that its not cool when Don Imus, Snoop, Wayne, or Common
call’s Black women 50 Million ho’s. It took me a LOOOOOONG time to be able to criticize hip hop publicly because so much of my blog life was wrapped up in that world. I know now that I Love Hip Hop BUT, I Love myself more.

To be silent when Black men refer to us as 50 million ho’s implies that because they are Black they have a right to call us that shit and they don’t.

I don’t want the police harassing and beating on them,
I don’t want them harassing and beating on us. Full stop.

Might don’t make right, as my momma says.

Now that I have provided some context for this post,
lets get into how John Mayer kinda stepped into it with his Playboy
interview.

The John Mayer Playboy interview as a whole is about, his childhood, his relationships, dealing with becoming a celebrity. The last third is where he gets into, race and sexuality, homophobia and white supremacy.

I am going to focus on three aspects of his interview:
his fascination with pornography, his usage of the term nigger and fags,
and the ways in which his interview is a treatise in how whiteness
works.

In the book Race Matters, Cornel West, provides a historical context for John Mayer’s comments and a framework for Black and White sexuality. West writes,

“Americans are obsessed with sex and fearful of Black sexuality.The obsession has to do with a search for stimulation and meaning in a fast passed, market driven culture; the fear is rooted in visceral feelings abut black bodies fueled by sexual myths of black women and men.”

“The demthyologizing of black sexuality is crucial for black America because music of Black self hatred and self contempt has to do with refusal of many black Americans to love their own black bodies- especially their black noses, hips, lips and hair. Just as many white americans view black sexuality with disgust so do many black Americans- but for very different reasons and with very different results. White supremacist ideology is based first and foremost on the degradation of black bodies in order to control them. One of the best ways to instill fear in the people is to terrorize them. Yet this fear is best sustained by convincing them that their bodies are ugly, their intellect is inherently underdeveloped, their culture is less civilized and their future warrants less concern than that of other peoples.

“White supremacist ideology is based first and foremost on the degradation of black bodies in order to control them.”

What an incredible statement in light of the fact that John Mayer said that he has a “David Duke dick.”

Porn

MAYER: “By the way, pornography? It?s a new synaptic pathway. You wake up in the morning, open a thumbnail page, and it leads to a Pandora?s box of visuals. There have probably been days when I saw 300 vaginas before I got out of bed.”

“MAYER: When I watch porn, if it?s not hot enough, I?ll make up backstories in my mind. My biggest dream is to write pornography.”

What does it mean when a “successful” White mans biggest dream is
to “write” porn?

What does it mean to see 300 vagina’s before you get out of bed.? I get it, its a Playboy article, so he may be hamming it up. Still.? It must be acknowledged.

In Empire of Illusion, Chris Hedges, has an incredible chapter on the convergence of pornography and technology. Hedges writes,

Porn has evolved from the airbrushed misogyny of glossy spreads in Playboy and smutty films sold in seedy shops. It is corporate and easily available. Its products today focus less on sex between a man and woman and increasingly on groups of men beating off on a woman’s face or tearing her anus open with his penis. Porn has evolved to its logical conclusion. It first turned women into sexual commodities and then killed women as human beings. And it has won the culture war. Pornography and the commercial mainstream have fused. The publicity for the pron production company Wicked could be lifted from a Victoria Secret catalog.

Nigger
MAYER: Someone asked me the other day, ?What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?? And by the way, it?s sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a nigger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass? But I said, ?I can?t really have a hood pass. I?ve never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, ?We?re full.?”

I am not sure that he is saying here, however, the issue with a lot of Black people was that he used the term “nigger.” For me it was all the subhuman terminology that was problematic.

At first when I read it, I thought it was a critique absurdity in the ways in which race and gentrification functions and the fact that hood passes’s have to exist in the first place. Rereading it,? I concluded that I didn’t? have reason to believe that he is enlightened enough to have such a sophisticated critique.


White Supremacy

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PLAYBOY: Do black women throw themselves at you?

MAYER: I don?t think I open myself to it. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I?ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin? David Duke cock. I?m going to start dating separately from my dick.

I found this to be profoundly interesting because of the access that men and general and White men specifically have always had Black women’s bodies, historically.

In one sentence he illuminates, sex, power, race and how they have converged between Black women and White men throughout history.

White men and Black men have had a very specific kind of relationship in US history because the ways in which our bodies have been tied to White male wealth. Adreinne Davis writes in the essay “Don’t Let Nobody Bother Yo’ Principle”? “Wealth was not transferred from Blacks to Whites, as scholars have noted, but in addition, was transferred from black women to white men. Hence the economics of slavery were gendered and raclialized.

Desiring Black Women

PLAYBOY: Let?s put some names out there. Let?s get specific.

MAYER: I always thought Holly Robinson Peete was gorgeous. Every white dude loved Hilary from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. And Kerry Washington. She?s superhot, and she?s also white-girl crazy. Kerry Washington would break your heart like a white girl. Just all of a sudden she?d be like, ?Yeah, I sucked his dick. Whatever.? And you?d be like, ?What? We weren?t talking about that.? That?s what ?Heartbreak Warfare? is all about, when a girl uses jealousy as a tactic

“Kerry Washington would break your heart like a white girl.”
Implied in this statement is that Black women are not desirable.
Only White women can break hearts.
The only way a Black woman could break a heart is if she is like a
White woman. Wow.

After reading this I thought of Beyonce’s appeal and how the Black
women that we see fall within what T. Sharpley Whiting has termed the “ascriptive mulatta” she isn’t Black, she isn’t White, she is mixed, with Eurocentric features and extremely attractive.

Black women, do not get shine in main stream media. To this end
one of the reasons why we enjoy seeing Michelle Obama is because she is curvy, brown skinned and you rarely see a beauty like hers centered in mainstream media. In fact there is such a hunger for seeing ourselves in mainstream media that some of us get upset when rappers make videos featuring only light skinned women. This happened this week with Wale’s new video his song Pretty Girls, and Drake’s video for best I ever had. More on Pretty Girls here and here.

Fags

PLAYBOY: Among the things we?ve read about you online is this: You?re gay. Have you ever kissed a man?

MAYER: The only man I?ve kissed is Perez Hilton. It was New Year?s Eve and I decided to go out and destroy myself. I was dating Jessica at the time, and I remember seeing Perez Hilton flitting about this club and acting as though he had just invented homosexuality. All of a sudden I thought, I can outgay this guy right now. I grabbed him and gave him the dirtiest, tongue-iest kiss I have ever put on anybody?almost as if I hated fags. I don?t think my mouth was even touching when I was tongue kissing him, that?s how disgusting this kiss was. I?m a little ashamed. I think it lasted about half a minute. I really think it went on too long.

I found it interesting that much of the Black response yesterday dealt only with the “John Mayer doesn’t like black girls” or “John used the word nigger” but not the fact that he used the term “fag” and that his dream is to “write porn.”

Multiple interlocking oppression’s can be hard to name and deal with.? I get it.

But I’m calling spades. There is a theme of subhumanity operating in this interview that and? I believe that this says something about both our world and human relations.

John Mayer’s usage of these terms reminds me of George Yanceys conception of how whiteness works.? In Feminism and the Subtext of Whiteness, ?whiteness goes unmarked? yet ?it assumes to speak with universal authority and truth.? He goes on to say,

Whiteness assumes the authority to marginalize other identities, discourses perspectives and voices. By constituting itself as the center, non white voices are Othered, marginalized and rendered voiceless.

John Mayer’s fascination with porn, his casual usage of the terms Nigger, Fag and the fact that he called his penis? “David Duke” leads me to believe that he is a profoundly troubled man. It also reminds me how whiteness operates by naming yet remaining unnamed.

I would imagine that one of the reasons that Black women have responded strongly to what John Mayer has said, because he has confirmed some of our suspicions,? and has stated explicitly what mainstream media says implies all the time: which is? that? Black women are not attractive and they only are to the extent that they are look like White women.

Trust. I understand that most of us don’t evaluate our beauty through the eyes of whiteness, or the levels of self hate would be even higher and depression would be higher as well.

We do our own thing. #blackgirlsarefromthefuture

However, it is shocking, when someone like John Mayer, who is in a powerful position in society and who is? member of the dominant group in society comfortably uses loaded racialialized,? sexualized terms in national publication, albeit a porn magazine.

What kind of society produces a John Mayer?

Now let me keep it even.

What kind of society produces an R. Kelly?

What will have to happen for us to hold R. Kelly and John Mayer
to the same standard?

Link list – Black Women Bloggers Respond to John Mayer:

Black Snob: WTF John Mayer Gets Creeptastical in Playboy Magazine
Jezebel: Its Impossible to Have Benneton Heart and a White Supremacist Dick
The Tuskegee Experiment: Nigger and (Dumb White) Guys
What Would Thembi Do:? Johhn Mayers Lies and the Brown Nipple Theory
Womanist Musings: My Dick is Sorta Like a White Supremacist

Two Heavy Post’s

Concurrently, I am working on John Mayer jawn,
and a jawn on my new idea about how society is going
break into a global gated community and bifurcate
around food and the internet.

Light stuff, hunh?

The good thing about having these ideas, is that they
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you all is invaluable.

The hard part is sitting down and writing them.

I also hoped my RSS feed update worked.

Oh and I KNOW that I need to install a search bar. Working on it.

~neens