In mid January, a woman, a middle class, beautiful Jewish
woman shared a story with me about dating.
Among many things, she talked about dating men who drank,
and drank, and drank and wondering why she continued to
pick these dudes.
She went on to describe what it meant to shift from repeatedly
dating men that were unavailable and deciding to only get serious
with men who wanted to be in a relationship with her.
I thought hmmmmmm. Dating a man who wants to be in a
relationship with me. That’s cool.
Being willing to walk away if we don’t want the same thing.
Hard, but possible.
Hard because, in our society, women we are raised, to want to snag
the most handsome dude with the highest salary.
There was one thing that she said that stuck with me. She described
how she got to a point right before she met her current husband.
She had been dating with the intention of finding a partner, and because
of this within 2 or 3 dates, after the man made his intentions
known implicitly or explicitly, she kept it moving or proceeded.
She didn’t look at his resume, she didn’t take into consideration
how attractive he was, she didn’t consider whether he had a co-op,
or his MBA, the simple criteria was did he want to be in a relationship
and was he interested in a relationship with her?
Hearing her say this gave me the courage to start drawing
the line in my personal life. What I have found is that
there is a difference between a fence and a wall and most
people, will understand that you not only love them, but you love yourself
as well, so you cannot allow them to trample all over your boundaries.
Which brings me to Filthy. A couple of months ago,
he showed up on my block with yellow tulips, fresh quiche and
orange juice. My three favorites. I had just moved,
so he didn’t know my exact address, just the cross streets.
He had just planned on waiting for me to cross his path.
I was flattered.
His action was precipitated by the fact that we had just
had a conversation earlier that week, and had planned
on linking up, but I because of new information
I received, I was just on some “wait and see.”
One of my male homies was like “Wassup with you two,
what are you going to do?” I said, its on him. He responded, ” I
say this as a man, he may not know how extreme this situation is.
You know, how, when you are about to get laid off, you come in
early, you leave late, you kiss up extra at meetings, M.dot, this situation
requires that work.”
So I mentioned this conversation to Filthy and I also said, “I need
to be with someone who treats me like The Gift. You see, I knew
you were The Gift, you were my friend, I brought you tulips when I
met you. At this point in my life, I need to be with someone
who understands that I am The Gift as well.”
He was like, “What do you mean?”
I explained that, “This means being considerate, and doesn’t
necessarily have to do with a ton of money. For instance, I like
taco’s from the taco truck on 8th ave and 14th street, you could show
up to my door with 3 of those. They are $2 each.
I like tulips, a dozen at Trader Joes is $6. Its not about the money
its about thinking about another person, as much as you
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a weekend get away. I am down for that too. Ultimately tho,
I am not going to fight you to be with me. Both of us are much
too special for that.”
It was scary saying this to him. I didn’t know if he was going
to balk, or agree or decide I had gone crazy. I was standing
up for myself.
But I had to do it, and the odd thing has been, every since
I said it to him, it has been easier to recognize that I needed to
explicitly say what I need from others, without paralyzing fear
that they dramatically indifferent to my request.
Besides, I also knew that I had prayed for God to take
him out my life and only bring him back when he was
ready. I had not anticipated that his being ready would
require for me to work on being ready, to work on my
patience and my willingness.
I talk a whole lot of smack about personal transformation,
but it is completly different to actually believe that a person
can do it and to watch and support them while they try.
So, he showed up to my door, flowers, quiche and a half gallon
of Tropicana. Ready to wait. Willing to be considerate.
Looking back on that day, I could only think that this must
be a that dirty drawls love that my momma mentioned
when I growing up.
I want that for myself. I like it.
I also want to be disciplined enough to ensure that my needs
are met. But, I don’t won’t to be so caught up in the past that
I get in the way of my (our) future.
Besides, grudges stifle creativity and kill Love.
In the end. I am content. Its bumpy at times, other
times its flawless and familiar.
I can’t front. I adore the blue eyed bandit.
You have any Dirty Drawls Love lately?
Why is it so hard to say “this is what I need, I will not
be distracted, I am drawing the line here“?
Why does Tropicana OJ taste so good but cost so much?
a. simply orange is the bomb.
b. because it's hard being vulnerable & trusting someone will not use it against you.
c. you didn't send me the email you were talking bout.
Oh snap. I thought I did.
Hmmp. ***Goes and does it now.
voicing expectations is hard for me too. i’m not sure why…but lately have been forcing myself to in all sorts of relationships and it has necessarily meant my expectations get met but many times they are and, when not, i know why and don’t have to just be bubbling mad on the inside…
great post.
It’s not hard if it’s taught…early. I won’t make the mistake my mother made.
LOVE this post.
Hey miss Hot Comb Pics….Glad you like the post….You been here for most of this…Smile.
Hey Miss Nina…Glad you love this.
I felt REAL vulnerable…but it is what it is…
Very thoughtful and interesting post.
I very rarely comment on anything relationship-based, period, but here goes.
I would agree, it is important to be able voice your wants and your needs to a partner or potential partner. To me, those conversations push that person in one of three directions. One, they run for the border, saying wow this chick is out of her mind if she thinks I’m going to do x, y, and z, I barely know her. Two, they see that much potential in this person that they instantly step to the plate and meet your requirements. Or three, they fall somewhere in the middle, and either make a better effort as things progress, or make less of an effort as things deteriorate. And that’s when the relationship gets sort of muddied. It’s like, well this person is sorta OK, but they’re not great. And then you’re stuck.
I think that’s where a lot of us end up. You sort of settle.
It’s weird because it’s hard to tell a person what you want right up front. It’s very forward and direct, and ya’know, sometimes relationships aren’t even so well defined to the point where you can even have that conversation. Which is another topic altogether, but just saying.
Reading this does bring back some memories though. I remember having those convos with my last g/f, what she expected and wanted of me. Sort of funny in retrospect. They were such simple things, things I’d ordinarily do now without even a second guess, but back then I guess they were a big deal. Funny how a person grows.
For a r/ship to breathe its important that significant others remain significant to one another. I had to learn this the rather ‘hard’ way with my ex. It wasn’t until long after we broke up I realized I didn’t treat her nor put her on the pedestal she should’ve been. It took a lot of growing up on my part to see that, own up to it, admit and apologize.
Paullllllllllllllll.
Why did your comment just now post.
Thank you for sharing. I really appreciate your honesty.
I think that’s where a lot of us end up. You sort of settle.
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See. I work a lot on personal development. Which means dedicating hella time to dealing w/ my past, focusing on the future, and trying to be the person that God would have me to be. Settling…is just painful. Don’t trip, I did it for a minute and I paid for it. Undefined boundaries will have your heart, mind and wallet fucked up.
It’s weird because it’s hard to tell a person what you want right up front.
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Hard but not impossible.
You risk rejection.
BUT.
You also risk getting GETTING your needs met.
Awesome.
It’s very forward and direct, and ya’know, sometimes relationships aren’t even so well defined to the point where you can even have that conversation.
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True. I am not saying that every re
has to be define. Its just that
if I want to coast, then I should CHOOSE
to coast. If i want to just kick it with
a dude then I should CHOOSE to. Falling
into someone elses lane is a FAIL.
Funny how a person grows.
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Amen. I watch Filthy do it all the time.
For a r/ship to breathe its important that significant others remain significant to one another. I had to learn this the rather ‘hard’ way with my ex.
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Right. You had to learn. The fact that women are socialized to always say yes, doesn’t help us. So for us to say
no to someone we LOVE or have feelings for is like errrrkkkkk, record scratch.
Dude. I am telling you, being able to be alone or just have the tools to pre occupy your self is a gift.
I mean at one point I was seriously praying, “God take him out my life and fill in the hole, this hurts, and only you can fix it, bring him back if and when he is ready.” I mean. That is bugged ish to be praying for, but I am learned
how to do it, how to see that I wasn’t in control of it.
Yep and in addition you have to be prepped for whatever God decides to do which can and does sometimes include taking the person out of your life for good.
Yep and in addition you have to be prepped for whatever God decides to do which can and does sometimes include taking the person out of your life for good.
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You feel me. That ish hurts the worse man.
But, there ain’t no controlling.
I have two patnas that have been removed.
I use to stress it, but I now realize,
if it don’t fit don’t force it mayne.
Being abused is not a condition of friendship.
Tell me about it @ hurt. But that’s where He teaches us how to let go and let Him. It’s difficult ‘cos we wanna be in control we want the old times back but God is all about NEW.
God is all about NEW.
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Really? Hmmmmmmm… not so sure about that…God is about Love…new…?????