On Dating a Giver

^^^ #NomNomNominaction

For Josephine & For T.dot.

Oooh, Uh Ohhh Dropped your knot, scooped it up put in my sock… ~e. badu

I turned around and I realized that I am dating a giver.

Someone who never lets my IPA get too low,? who makes sure the waitress brings my water with no ice, who understands that I am a monster until I have that iced coffee in the morning, someone who sent me? a text message last week that said “groceries bought.” #ummp.

This was hard to do at first.

I enjoy my freedom.

As women we are socialized to get with the most affluent, attractive person that we meet.? So when all the niceness was getting thick, I was like wait, does this mean I am WITH this person now?

I thought about it, and I have decided to enjoy the attention AND maintain my autonomy.

For me to enjoy this kind of attention, at my own pace and keep my freedom is new and I often don’t know what I am doing. When I admit that though, I remind myself that I am a human being and that I don’t have to be perfect.

I mean, I spoke at the Black Arts Festival in Philly in May and the man came down to meet me and then coordinated his ticket so we could leave Philly together. Who does this? Really?

Him: Yeah, I’ll come see you. Let me know.

Me: You gone come all the way to Philly to marinate with me?

Him: Yeah, just let me know.


A month ago, speaking to Court Bear, my dating coach and sister, about my desire to run she said, unlace the sneakers, stay still and enjoy it.

It felt good to hear her say that. I mean, the only reason to run from a person treating you nice is because you are scared they are going to leave.

And because I KNOW that I don’t control outcomes, me running would only hurt myself. Not very vulnerable or fearless either.

Speaking to Josephine about it, we were discussing what it means to be desired and just cared for on g.p. and how odd it can feel because as women in general and Black women specifically we are socialized to put everyone else first; Our momma’s, our children, our partners, our jobs.

Never us.

So to be on the receiving end of some care is both comforting and challenging.

Its comforting because its nice when someone makes a snack that YOU like, that YOU can’t wait to eat. Not eating on some obligatory steez, but on some, I REALLY LIKE THIS, nom, nom, nom, and MORE nom.

Its challenging because it has forced me to think about what kind of treatment I have accepted in the past, and the kind of treatment that I will require in the future. There is also the challenge of not comparing how one person treats me versus another, in terms of levels of consideration while dating. I can’t help it sometimes tho’.

You date a giver before?

Were you the giver?

You run? You stay?

How did it feel?

Dirty Drawls Love

In mid January, a woman, a middle class, beautiful Jewish
shared a story with me about dating.

Among many things, she talked about dating men who drank,
and drank, and drank and wondering why she continued to
pick these dudes.

She went on to describe what it meant to shift from repeatedly
dating men that were unavailable and deciding to only get serious
with men who wanted to be in a relationship
with her.

I thought hmmmmmm. Dating a man who wants to be in a
relationship with me. That’s cool.

Being willing to walk away if we don’t want the same thing.
Hard, but possible.

Hard because, in our society, women we are raised, to want to snag
the most handsome dude with the highest salary.

There was one thing that she said that stuck with me. She described
how she got to a point right before she met her current husband.

She had been dating with the intention of finding a partner, and because
of this within 2 or 3 dates, after the man made his intentions
known implicitly or explicitly, she kept it moving or proceeded.

She didn’t look at his resume, she didn’t take into consideration
how attractive he was, she didn’t consider whether he had a co-op,
or his MBA, the simple criteria was did he want to be in a relationship
and was he interested in a relationship with her?

Hearing her say this gave me the courage to start drawing
the line in my personal life. What I have found is that
there is a difference between a fence and a wall and most
people, will understand that you not only love them, but you love yourself
as well, so you cannot allow them to trample all over your boundaries.

Which brings me to Filthy. A couple of months ago,
he showed up on my block with yellow tulips, fresh quiche and
orange juice. My three favorites. I had just moved,
so he didn’t know my exact address, just the cross streets.
He had just planned on waiting for me to cross his path.

I was flattered.

His action was precipitated by the fact that we had just
had a conversation earlier that week, and had planned
on linking up, but I because of new information
I received, I was just on some “wait and see.”

One of my male homies was like “Wassup with you two,
what are you going to do?” I said, its on him. He responded, ” I
say this as a man, he may not know how extreme this situation is.
You know, how, when you are about to get laid off, you come in
early, you leave late, you kiss up extra at meetings, M.dot, this situation
requires that work.”

So I mentioned this conversation to Filthy and I also said, “I need
to be with someone who treats me like The Gift. You see, I knew
you were The Gift, you were my friend, I brought you tulips when I
met you. At this point in my life, I need to be with someone
who understands that I am The Gift as well.”

He was like, “What do you mean?”

I explained that, “This means being considerate, and doesn’t
necessarily have to do with a ton of money. For instance, I like
taco’s from the taco truck on 8th ave and 14th street, you could show
up to my door with 3 of those. They are $2 each.
I like tulips, a dozen at Trader Joes is $6. Its not about the money
its about thinking about another person, as much as you
think about yourself. That doesn’t mean that you can’t plan
a weekend get away. I am down for that too. Ultimately tho,
I am not going to fight you to be with me. Both of us are much
too special for that.”

It was scary saying this to him. I didn’t know if he was going
to balk, or agree or decide I had gone crazy. I was standing
up for myself.

But I had to do it, and the odd thing has been, every since
I said it to him, it has been easier to recognize that I needed to
explicitly say what I need from others, without paralyzing fear
that they dramatically indifferent to my request.

Besides, I also knew that I had prayed for God to take
him out my life and only bring him back when he was
ready. I had not anticipated that his being ready would
require for me to work on being ready, to work on my
patience and my willingness.

I talk a whole lot of smack about personal transformation,
but it is completly different to actually believe that a person
can do it
and to watch and support them while they try.

So, he showed up to my door, flowers, quiche and a half gallon
of Tropicana. Ready to wait. Willing to be considerate.

Looking back on that day, I could only think that this must
be a that dirty drawls love that my momma mentioned
when I growing up.

I want that for myself. I like it.

I also want to be disciplined enough to ensure that my needs
are met. But, I don’t won’t to be so caught up in the past that
I get in the way of my (our) future

Besides, grudges stifle creativity and kill Love.

In the end. I am content. Its bumpy at times, other
times its flawless and familiar.

I can’t front. I adore the blue eyed bandit.

You have any Dirty Drawls Love lately?

Why is it so hard to say “this is what I need, I will not
be distracted, I am drawing the line here

Why does Tropicana OJ taste so good but cost
so much?