I told that man…

two weeks ago that I was done, and getting off the ride.

Of all the  people I met around this time last year, I am on speaking terms with everyone. We cool, if we see each other we say wassup. If they call I pick up. If I call them they call I pick up. But…this one appears to thrive on the contention.

SD doesn’t know what shit or get off the pot means, but I said it and I meant it.

Boundaries are only respected when they are enforced.

I was leaving a spot on Thursday and I walked past him and said nothing, which is what I said was gone go down, depending on how I felt. Crossing the street I looked at my phone and saw a text that said “lol this is dumb.” Now I know this was not rook steez at all, (Rooks be all OVER the board and they keep the king in check) , but I walked back and got within two inches of his face and said, its not dumb, you just pissed because you are not in control of this moment. Flirting much. Yes. Serious Much. Yes. I will admit it.

Some other words were exchanged, but it comes down to me saying what I mean. It’s been a year. Decide or move on.

#Wingsup.

For Colored Girls Who Considered Love….

Courtesy of @RichieFresh

Two weeks ago, I was out.  I wasn’t even suppose to be. However, I came across #Aquemini. Luminous eyes and June born. #Pow. I introduced myself to him and he kissed my cheek. Then he turned around and kissed Greeneye’s hand. I couldn’t let THAT ‘ish slide.

So we are chatting.  So I say, “Honey, can I share something with you, um, it’s not cool that you kiss women without their permission, I don’t really want anyone putting their mouth on me if I don’t know them.” He responded, “Well, I was just being a gentleman.” I said, ” I get it, you were trying to be, but honestly when a woman wants you to kiss her, she will let you know.”

He then left for a bit. Then came back. I was impressed. Why? Because men are socialized to resent being challenged by women, let alone a woman in public.

We chat a bit more, then he leaves and I go on about my night.

This Saturday, I am up, bagged packed full of books, at the brunch spot working on my lesson plan waiting for Greeneyes to come meet me.

And in he walks. #Aquemini. I was like, ummm, this is an interesting development. He invites me to come sit with him. I mention that I wanted to talk to him further when I last saw him but the circumstances didn’t permit. I tell him that he struck me because after I said something about the kissing without consent, he came back. That spoke to me about his willingness to listen and learn.

So boom, here we go, Greeneyes comes, and we are all eating and chopping it up. The energy is intense honey.

He keeps saying that he has met me before, and I am like blood no you didn’t, then I shared what @Afrolicious said about meeting somewhere else before we met here. It clicked. She was right. He ain’t believe me, but I understood.

What do I say, where do I begin?

Well the first thing is that we did a two step to Crown Royal on Ice at 4pm in the afternoon. Muerte.

The second thing is that I have never in my life hung out with someone who spoke to EVERYONE, joked laughed, entertained, yet I never once felt like I was getting played, like I wasn’t being attended to. You know how you be out with people and they got wondering eye balls and they be over associating? Well, #Aquemini was marinating both around us and with me. For instance, he was like “I like the natural color of your mouth, the way the color changes from the bottom to the top.” Who says things like this? Furthermore, there was a group of folks visiting from out of town, three women and two men. He gave ALL the women nick names, was chopping it up with the fellas. Again, it takes a certain kind of person to be out with a lady friend, engage with entire groups of people and holding both down.

Greeneyes later said, man hanging with ya’ll was like being in a hot air balloon, and I felt her. I had to come down from it yesterday and bury my face in books for five hours last night. o.O
This is not to say we didn’t have a gender moment. So there was some point in the afternoon where cats, including him were being homophobic, saying no homo this, pause that. After everyone left I was like “Honey, you should know something about me. I do not tolerate that kind of language. In fact I find it just as offensive as when White folks say racist things around me.” I went on to say, “In the future, if that happens, Imma speak up, walk away, or both.” He tried to do the “I make fun of everyone” excuse. And of course that doesn’t matter to me, because when White folks say it its a cop out as well. Besides words have power, and bodies have histories. He listened to me and said “Renina, I know of other people who think like you do. I hear you.” #sawooon.

To be clear, I do not like feeling like I am being surveilled. I relish my autonomy. However, on this day I marinated in being with, even for a day. One of the women said, “Girl, I don’t know how you deal with him, how long ya’ll been together?”  I was like. “This is my second time seeing him ever in life.” o.O

The most absurd shit about the whole day. He stated that he adored me and would like to get off into my world, but contended that based on some of the demands in his life right now, he would fall back. I’m like nooooooooooooooooooooooooo #Aquemini.

In saw his heart, and I know he is angry and when he stops being angry, and forgives himself he will have more room for Love. But that is between him and his Jesus. Can’t no one make me do anything that I don’t want to, so I know better than to try and make others do the same.

I woke up with Bilal in my head. The joint is quite appropro and prolly will be on my byrd until I run into him again. #GodHelpusAll. #CantWaituntilSaturday. On the low.


Can you believe this?

Crown Royal on Ice two stepping?

Talking to other women but not violating?

Gemini’s be a handful, but they be on point honey.

On Being Honest and Saying No.

I finally laid it down with SD on Friday. He saw me and wanted to sip and I said sure. But we needed to talk first.

I basically said listen, I need to get off this ride. I adore you, we have a lot in common but you come at me like you want to have your foot wedging a door open. You see, last time I saw him, he didn’t speak, then rolled up a few minutes later taumbout, yeah I just wanted to say hello. I was like the fuck? In his defense we did just start back speaking, but I’m like #comeoneson. Be vulnerable. Or stop.

I know me/us, its only a matter of time before something out of pocket jumps off.  #History. Uh. No. I said “I am a gift. We all are. The difference is that some of us see it and walk with that understanding.”

He listened then said his work comes first. Boom. I am grown. I can accept that. I’m on that Bleek Gilliam. My work comes first too, most the time. So I get it. In fact, I have 4 fifteen hour days ahead of me this week.

At the same time,  I ain’t gonna be bopping around thrusting flirts at people I got history with. Energy is powerful and it moves, honey.

I light weight can’t believe I actually said it.

Why? Because the liminal space is comfortable, sorta. Or maybe that’s not it, it is familiar. Ok. #boom. I just knew that I needed to take responsibility for my role.

So I said, I need to make sure I am comfortable and that I feel safe, so if I see you, I may or may not speak. Honestly, after that. I felt free. And it makes sense because the next day, at brunch, I ran into #Aquemini.

Keep the path clean.

The Original. #Aquemini.

And peep game, when I asked @afrolicious on Friday, what was going in the spiritual dimension of Wisconsin, she mentioned that well, things happen in that dimension first then we see them on the human level. I know I just looked at the phone and was like she be taking this #blackgirlsarefromthefuture ‘ish to a whole other level. However. I was suspect until….Saturday confirmed for me that she was right when I ran into the original #Aquemini at brunch…….you don’t know about my biggie wars. In fact it was quite pleasurable. Talk about becoming Janie

Do you believe that when one door closes another one opens?

Why people stay in your system until you ready to let them go?

How do you muster up the courage to have conversations you would rather avoid?

Keep That Thang Clean…

I woke up with clarity this morning.

You know THAT post that I wrote last week, well, I ran into him again. I wasn’t even suppose to be out Friday.

I passed on going to see the free Bilal show. Up early at a fundraiser brunch at 8:30 am, taught at 1pm, the day was long.  I was tired, but I needed to go meet up with my homie Green Eyes and once I got out I just kinda stayed.

I was pressed and normally I dance, pray, or eat something good and lay it down when I feel like that. #nothtebestCompany. #WhenThingsbeonmybyrd.

Green Eyes bounced, then in SD walks, but I don’t see him initially, he was behind me. Then he and his peoples leaves.

Five minutes later, I am figuring out my next move and he returns to “speak.” I chat with him.

If I wasn’t so distracted by the things on my byrd,  I would have said, Aye blood, why you speak now, but you ain’t before?  But I knew what it was, desire is coming out side ways. That shit is young to me. We grown, be vulnerable or bounce. Where in the heck is #aquemini. Lol.

Then he prepared to leave.

Can I get a hug?

Uh. No.

A kiss on the cheek?

Uh. No.

A pound?

Nah Blood, I’m cool on all that.

He can desire a touch, but you ain’t in touch with yo’ desire. #comeonSon.

See, I been waiting for more info and I woke up with it this morning, and rather then go back to sleep, I felt hella rested and decided to get into my day at 5:15am. I had a HELLLLA work today today. I might be on my 15th hour. (It feels good to write though) and I got a lot accomplished.

So yeah, those actions are not to be tolerated and I am going to have to shut it down. If you give some negros an inch, they want the whole #City.

How Oakland Brought Me #Aquemini

On Saturday, I met #Aquemini.

I was posted up, waiting for someone, doing me. He then spoke, and asked if I was a professor. I had just come from writing the midterm and reading so I had a bag of books next to my chair. I responded no, I am a teacher. I asked him if he taught, he said, yes, once. He was a substitute teacher in East Oakland and he was just getting ready to talk shit about the Town and I said, “Baby, I’m from there.”

He responded, “Oh, really.” Yeah, Oakland.

I gave him another look, my undivided attention and said, “When is your birthday.” He stated, “June 11th.” I was like shit.

You are #Aquemini. It sounds really creepy as I write it, but I have been really deliberate about having a Gemini or Aquarius in my life.

I have been so specific about #Aqeumini that A dub walked over and said hello, and I introduced her to him and said girl, he is #aquemini, and she raised her eyebrows like word. Word.

I ask people their birthday’s before their names. Why? I am being purposeful.

So we conversate. Marinate. All that.

He apparently saw me before. And spoke last summer. I asked if I was nice. Sometimes I shut it down. He said yeah, “You were nice, but it was clear that I were reading your book and didn’t want to be bothered.” That DO be the case sometimes and I am entitled to that. Time and place for everything, no?

He is currently and anti war lobbyist, adorable and White honey. Like Kevin Costner eye crinkles and everything. As I contemplate the politics of puttering around on that interracial in DC. Man listen.

Black girls pay a social cost when they date someone other then Black men. Because I walk like I have a right to be in the city, the threat of violence is always there. Our current sex/gender system says that women are not entitled to be in public, let alone claim the right to occupy city space publicly. Domination is maintained through violence and the threat of violence.

Ah, but the synchronicity of the night.

So, first there is the Oakland connection. Then some how he brings up Ta-Nehisi’s blog. And I say #ummp.

He says, the man has awesome prose. And I respond saying, well he does, however I had a really public conversation with Ta-Nehisi last fall when he asked whether or not For Colored Girls was a classic at a White publication in front of a largely White audience, even though he hadn’t read the book since he was a teenager. #Ummp.

I went on to say that Ta-Nehisi didn’t respond well to being challenged intellectually around his gender politics, and I am referring to his willingness to read a Black feminist text to broaden his analysis, and that I found this unwillingness to be problematic.

He was like, what “That was you” and kinda put his hand over his mouth like “Oh Shit.”  I answered yes. Now see, this is surreal because I am not use to my work preceding me.

Further it speaks to importance of remembering that your words go places that YOU don’t go.

Lastly he has done work in South Africa around the Truth and Reconciliation Commission. You and I both know I Love me some TRC’s. So. Um. Yeah.

I can’t call it.

Oh. And I don’t think we exchanged info. #Extra. So Yeah. #Aquemini. Holler @cha girl. You know where to find me @2:26 sec.

#BoomandPow

#VulnerableyFearless

Can you believe that East Oakland ‘ish?

Peace to the Gemini’s.