In the name of all things vulnerableyfearless.
Last night I ran into SD.
I was just posted up by myself, my Jeffersonian date ended early and last night was my Friday because I am going to be working through this weekend. Normally when I go out I either meet up with folks or run into folks and we just post up anyways. But last night I was just on my dolo and enjoying the end of the Wizards game and in he walks. I look but don’t speak. Why?
Because we ain’t speaking.
But peep game, he then says to me, “I don’t know if we are talking or not but can we talk about it? We see each other all the time.” Side eye, because on one level, I was just getting ready to leave, on another level, this needed to happen.
So, I think about it, and say, “I am thinking about it.”
He says that he wants to be able to buy me a drink and just be on speaking terms. I am like, ummp, I have to think about and reflect on that because the last time I spoke to you I found you to be manipulative.
Basically, I forgive him in December for some other past ‘ish, here is the post about that.
When he was forgiven he then turned around and got at me hard. “Where you been? You look good, you seeing anyone? Can I call you? Whatchu doing for Christmas and New Years? I miss you.” I was like #damnGina. Really. All up in the video. (peace to JJ.) I ain’t seen you in like nearly three months and you trying to get in my bone gristle. #UmmOkay.
On top of that I am getting little text messages Sunday and Monday, “can I text message you?, you out at this party, I think I just saw you.”
I was like nah, negro, I am at home grading papers. #Luls. I am not gonna front, it felt good be sweated.
The following week I flirted back and he was like nah, this isn’t a good idea, and I was like, what the hell is wrong with you, you don’t treat human beings like this. I am a human being, not an object. He thought it was cool, I was like, I am getting off this ride. Deuces, good luck because it didn’t have to be this way.
So last night we spoke. About it all.
But peep game, Right after he asked me whether or not we could talk and while I was thinking of whether or not to say anything, this cat walked up and said, “ya’ll make a fine assed couple.” SD was like “we are just friends.” I said, “Oh the irony of this moment” and my eyes spoke it as well. The guy (Mr. New Life), then said, “well, you need to get with her man, because you two look right together.” Here is the rub, this dude began to tell us his story of how he just got out on a manslaughter charge for a crime he didn’t commit, he just took the charge and didn’t snitch, he just came home from doing a dime, he told us his familial background, about his mother, father, brother and how good it feels to be on the street. #Intensemuch? God Bless him.
I took Mr. New Life showing up to mean that I should hear SD out, that people have stories to tell. So I decided to talk to him and he ordered a round and we chatted.
I stated that I felt that he was being manipulative when he came at me hard and then switched it up. He felt that he wasn’t because he had simply just changed how he was relating to women and honestly seeing me reminded him of an alternate and new path that he sees himself on. #hmmmp. The validity of this is between him and his Jesus, however I also know that I am a catalyst so I am not surprised by this in some ways.
I went on to say that I was seeing someone, Miami, intensely last month. While we were out once Miami asked me, “How is dating for you here?” I was like well, I have these intense busy periods, and then pretty steady work load with teaching, writing and classes. So there is a time constraint, except over break. I am funny, emotive and a #blackgirlfromthefuture, so it don’t really BE hard to find someone to kick it with. The hard thing is finding someone to do multiple things with. Like go to the museum AND the watch the Colts game AND to a Nikki Giovanni reading and to a Black feminist talk/art show jawn and watch the fight. Feel me?
I also shared that I recently learned three things about myself. First, that I speak with my eyes, and that while I try to choose my words carefully and deliberately, I also now need to do the same with my eyes. Second I am an energy conduit, I move information along as a writer. That I give it how I get it, so I need to be mindful of how and when I interact with people. #mirror.
So he apologized and I said thank you and that I appreciated him taking the initiative so say something. And then I was blunt and said, “If you want to be on speaking terms, how are you going to deal with your desire?”
He was like whaaaaaah? You mean my desire for you, and I was like yeah negro, that. Because it doesn’t go away. It stays in the cut.
I then went on to say, honey, I am an energy conduit, and I know now that people can SEE when I have a connection with another person. It’s visible. There is in fact chemistry between us, and you have been ambivalent about your desire, and it is most certainly there and it comes out sideways. #umNo. #imgrown. And trust, I keep my finger on the pulse of my desire and I typically follow it, because its one of the ways I allow myself to remain vulnerable while also pushing that fearlessness. Its also one of the ways that I remember that I don’t control outcomes. Sidebar: Desire had me on 10pm Bolt buses to Brooklyn this summer getting in at 2am, and returning back home on Monday at 6am to go to work. #ummhmm. Then I said, “I am cool with the desire, I can manage it, I am not so sure about you.”
So he ask’s “So I can’t flirt with you?” I respond, “Do you.” #deadass. I also said “and understand that there are consequences to that, that I give how I get, that you are dealing with a human being and not a lamp.” Undealt with desire comes out sideways, especially when it ain’t acknowledged.
Then I said, “So lets do this, you think about how you are going to deal with your desire, and I will pray on what my next right step is.”
Ain’t forgiveness a lot of work?
Why people just be showing up when it be time to have a conversation?
Isn’t it awesome when men or women rethink how they treat women. I like that.