On Desire and Being #VulnerableyFearless

In the name of all things vulnerableyfearless.

Last night I ran into SD.

I was just posted up by myself, my Jeffersonian date ended early and last night was my Friday because I am going to be working through this weekend. Normally when I go out I either meet up with folks or run into folks and we just post up anyways. But last night I was just on my dolo and enjoying the end of the Wizards game and in he walks. I look but don’t speak. Why?

Because we ain’t speaking.

But peep game, he then says to me, “I don’t know if we are talking or not but can we talk about it? We see each other all the time.” Side eye, because on one level, I was just getting ready to leave, on another level, this needed to happen.

So, I think about it, and say, “I am thinking about it.”

He says that he wants to be able to buy me a drink and just be on speaking terms. I am like, ummp, I have to think about and reflect on that because the last time I spoke to you I found you to be manipulative.

Basically, I forgive him in December for some other past ‘ish, here is the post about that.

When he was forgiven he then turned around and got at me hard. “Where you been? You look good, you seeing anyone? Can I call you? Whatchu doing for Christmas and New Years? I miss you.” I was like #damnGina. Really. All up in the video. (peace to JJ.) I ain’t seen you in like nearly three months and you trying to get in my bone gristle. #UmmOkay.

On top of that I am getting little text messages Sunday and Monday, “can I text message you?, you out at this party, I think I just saw you.”

I was like nah, negro, I am at home grading papers. #Luls. I am not gonna front, it felt good be sweated.

The following week I flirted back and he was like nah, this isn’t a good idea, and I was like, what the hell is wrong with you, you don’t treat human beings like this. I am a human being, not an object. He thought it was cool, I was like, I am getting off this ride. Deuces, good luck because it didn’t have to be this way.

So last night we spoke. About it all.

But peep game, Right after he asked me whether or not we could talk and while I was thinking of whether or not to say anything, this cat walked up and said, “ya’ll make a fine assed couple.” SD was like “we are just friends.” I said, “Oh the irony of this moment” and my eyes spoke it as well. The guy (Mr. New Life), then said, “well, you need to get with her man, because you two look right together.” Here is the rub, this dude began to tell us his story of how he just got out on a manslaughter charge for a crime he didn’t commit, he just took the charge and didn’t snitch, he just came home from doing a dime, he told us his familial background, about his mother, father, brother and how good it feels to be on the street. #Intensemuch? God Bless him.

I took Mr. New Life showing up to mean that I should hear SD out, that people have stories to tell. So I decided to talk to him and he ordered a round and we chatted.

I stated that I felt that he was being manipulative when he came at me hard and then switched it up. He felt that he wasn’t because he had simply just changed how he was relating to women and honestly seeing me reminded him of an alternate and new path that he sees himself on. #hmmmp. The validity of this is between him and his Jesus, however I also know that I am a catalyst so I am not surprised by this in some ways.

I went on to say that I was seeing someone, Miami, intensely last month. While we were out once Miami asked me, “How is dating for you here?” I was like well, I have these intense busy periods, and then pretty steady work load with teaching, writing and classes. So there is a time constraint, except over break. I am funny, emotive and a #blackgirlfromthefuture, so it don’t really BE hard to find someone to kick it with. The hard thing is finding someone to do multiple things with. Like go to the museum AND the watch the Colts game AND to a Nikki Giovanni reading and to a Black feminist talk/art show jawn and watch the fight. Feel me?

I also shared that I recently learned three things about myself. First, that I speak with my eyes, and that while I try to choose my words carefully and deliberately, I also now need to do the same with my eyes. Second I am an energy conduit, I move information along as a writer. That I give it how I get it, so I need to be mindful of how and when I interact with people. #mirror.

So he apologized and I said thank you and that I appreciated him taking the initiative so say something. And then I was blunt and said, “If you want to be on speaking terms, how are you going to deal with your desire?”

He was like whaaaaaah? You mean my desire for you, and I was like yeah negro, that. Because it doesn’t go away. It stays in the cut.

I then went on to say, honey, I am an energy conduit, and I know now that people can SEE when I have a connection with another person. It’s visible. There is in fact chemistry between us, and you have been ambivalent about your desire, and it is most certainly there and it comes out sideways. #umNo. #imgrown. And trust, I keep my finger on the pulse of my desire and I typically follow it, because its one of the ways I allow myself to remain vulnerable while also pushing that fearlessness. Its also one of the ways that I remember that I don’t control outcomes. Sidebar: Desire had me on 10pm Bolt buses to Brooklyn this summer getting in at 2am, and returning back home on Monday at 6am to go to work. #ummhmm. Then I said, “I am cool with the desire, I can manage it, I am not so sure about you.”

So he ask’s “So I can’t flirt with you?” I respond, “Do you.” #deadass. I also said “and understand that there are consequences to that, that I give how I get, that you are dealing with a human being and not a lamp.” Undealt with desire comes out sideways, especially when it ain’t acknowledged.

Then I said, “So lets do this, you think about how you are going to deal with your desire, and I will pray on what my next right step is.”

#Ummhmm.

Ain’t forgiveness a lot of work?

Why people just be showing up when it be time to have a conversation?

Isn’t it awesome when men or women rethink how they treat women. I like that.

On Raising Babies and Leaving Lovers

A photo he took of me Labor Day Weekend @ Havana’s. This man made me look like Zora. #Tears. #Ummhmm.

Dedicated to @mistmattnash

I don’t know what to say.

I realized two nights ago that I am grieving the fact that I just walked away from someone who is father material. We are still friends but….it ain’t the same.

I knew something was up with me because I caught myself obsessing over two people that I had no business doing so. Thinking about them from time to time, yes, because you DO be needing to process life events and what not, but the level that I was doing it was way too much.

Then I realized rather than feel my feelings I was thinking of other people. #Allbad.

Feeling vs. Thinking are two different things when it comes to healing. Full stop.

I was reading a book on the subject and it said that, “You start to grieve when you get ready to.”

I have dated, I am #oldladyrap, but this situation was like two ships passing and then when I finally put two and two together I realized that amongst a few things our timing was janky.

As a Black feminist I take parenting seriously. Like really serious. Isn’t it bugged that I have never written about this personal choice before? Well, it’s close to my heart.  But nearly everything I write is, luls. Perhaps it is because this is close in another, arguably more profound way. I talk about it with the homies, but I haven’t written about it.

When I write it I make it real.

I did start a post way back in 2009 titled “Babies vs. Dreams” or as @BritnidWrites corrected me “Baby Dreams vs. Other Dreams.”  But it was really involved and contained interviews and what not, school started and it kinda just got away from me.

The thing about it is blood, everybody ain’t parenting material. I have dated very few other people who I saw as being dad material. In some ways he is the only one seemed to not only desire it but was focused on being good at it. #damngina.

People ask me, especially on dates, where your little bears at? And I tell them that this is a society that needs children in order to survive, but refuses to support mothers, while simultaneously expecting them to perpetually raise new generations. I am cool on those.

If men gave birth there would be cheap and accessible child care on every corner.

How did I get to this point?

The turning point for me about this was over two years ago, Filthy was real clear about how he knows hella organizers whose children don’t talk to them. I was kinda stuck. I had to think real hard about what being #BlackgirlBleekGilliam means to me.

I think this is why I am so fascinated by Lauryn Hill and her choice to leave and raise her babies and peoples reaction TO that choice.

So yeah. I am grieving the loss. And I have to accept it. But daggumit if I don’t want to some days.

You ever think about the choice to parent?

Would you do it over again different?

Why people think Lauryn Hill owe them something?

Men are Fragile :: Humans are Fragile

In the name of all things vulnerable and fearless.

The other night I had dinner with a friend.
I am glad I followed my intuition and reach out to him
because as soon as he sat down he told me that his mom
had recently passed and apologized for not sharing it sooner.

I am glad that he shared. I had to go home and finish grading 19 final exams essays and calculate grades, which was an enormous amount of work but him saying that put it into perspective. He seems to be holding up well. He has a broad social support system, and I didn’t really know what to say, so I listened.

Then I suggested that he find a therapist and he agreed. Loss be hard to deal with and some people never recover. Human beings are fragile.

He asked me how my life was going and I was saying that I trying to grind it out, was focused on lining up summer 2011 work and trying to be mindful of my heart and desires.

He was like “you are forward with people just like that, you just tell them you like them” I was like yeah, and he asked me to teach him. I was like honey, I know that I have to say what I have to say and the outcome is not mine. It’s as simple as that. I really just try and pray through things.

With this in the back of my mind I had an experience last night.

Last night, I ran into SD and flirted, and he commenced to treating me like a these overtures were unwanted nor desired. Peep game though, dude was conveying the exact opposite last week.

Record scratch.

I mean honestly blood, there was one point last week where I had to give him a “saved hug” because he was a ‘lil too close to me, hand in the small of my back, ‘taumbout “I miss you“.  Along with asking me, “Are you seeing anyone?” “Can I call you?” #ummp.

So,  I asked him to reconcile the discrepancy, and I stood there and waited.

He explained saying that he simply felt different, that the social circles are small. I walked away saying “It didn’t have to be like this.”

That shit is sloppy.

JJ said something profound when I ran this by her which is that he doesn’t seem to know what he wants, yet, needs to know that he has an in with you, that he knows where he stands.

Absurd, but the facts match her theory.

Last week, Courtbear my dating coach told me “#allcity, if you do this, its going to be bumpy.” I was like I am not *doing* anything. I just don’t want to cringe when I walk into a room, the circles we travel in are small.

I guess I am just trying to find the balance. Its the libra in me. I try to be firm and honest.

However, neither my Love nor my forgiveness is thin. My heart don’t pump kool-aid.

So I feel the need to commit to what I said I was going to do and forgive. But damn if I ain’t feel manipulated. I got a big assed resentment over that shit blood.

I will admit that I played a role in being a recipient to the messages.

It’s like I already had evidence of sloppiness, stayed away and did my thing, waved the peace flag, only to get more sloppiness. I feel like I should have known better. I will forgive myself, have a soft heart and assert my humanity when I feel it’s not being respected.

When I call him Mc Sloppy in my head, I smile. #turrible. But it is what it is.

At the end of the day,  we are both human beings. Full stop.

Speaking of manipulation, one of the little bears wrote on their final that when desire isn’t dealt with it comes out as manipulation.

Manipulation is a tool of control. Two of the ways human beings attempt to manipulate is by not sharing information, and by not stating their intentions.

This reminds of how once I heard a hustla say that there are three kind of people in the world who are dangerous:

  • Someone who doesn’t know what s/he wants.
  • Someone who is jealous of you.
  • Someone with no fear of going to the Pen.

People who don’t know what they want are dangerous because they spend time fiddling with yo’ heart or perhaps even your friendship, while the are figuring out which drawls to wear. #Icant. I ain’t no object.

#Blackgirlsarefromthefuture and if you can’t treat me like you understand that then you need to stay the fuck out my face. Full stop.

To be said another way. Treat people like they human or leave them alone.

Today, I saw Lady Metta who said, you know what men are fragile. And I get what she meant. We live in a society that doesn’t allow boys the space to feel.  How are they going to be able to relate to other people? How are they going to be human in this context?

I responded, humans are fragile.

*After I wrote this post, Lady Metta read it and and sent me a poem Alice Walker sent to Aung San Suu Kyi titled “Loving Humans.” #Tears. Imma go ahead and forgive him. He don’t have no act right, but I have a code, and I will stick to it. Wow. This is a moment of transformation. Who knew?

Why people be testing your forgiveness?

Why people be sloppy?

Why people need to know if they have an *in*? Shit. Ego. Duh.

#LoveisStronger.

On Not Controlling Outcomes

This post can also be titled, “Dear Mercury, You evil little _____.”

Last week, I told MF Kennedy that things were going fine regarding the end of the semester, but that the hardest part of doing this work for me is the intense stretches of solitude. I went on to say that  I was  still chugging along with my to do list and making it crack off, and was happy with how upbeat I was.

In response, he sent me this video nearly a week ago.

I had not watched it until tonight, at which point I broke down in tears.

Why?

I because I felt read, read all up in my bone gristle.

When Professor Cornel West said:

“It takes more courage to look into the corners of your own soul than it does for a soldier to fight on a battlefield…”

“Courage is the most enabling virtue for any philosopher, for a human being…”

“To philosophize is to learn how to die. You can’t talk about truth without talking about learning how to die….the conditions of truth is to allow suffering to speak.”

@ 5:53 “There is certain pleasure in the life of the mind that cannot be denied. Its true that you might be socially isolated because you are in the library or working at home…if you read…Ruskin, or Twain or Melville, you almost have to throw the book against the wall because you are so intensely alive that you need a break.”

Read?

Read like how my 96 year old Black woman neighbor read me this summer saying “Honey I can tell you LIKE to believe in the good in people, but some folks want to tear you down just to see you in pain. Now you can admit this or not, but based on my talking to you, you probably won’t because it just don’t seem in you.”

The fact that I knew that they were riding down Broadway in NYC, in the clip, having walked those streets many of times just kinda was like a 1,2 punch. Feel me?

Tears because in a conversation with BG today I was reminded that I don’t control outcomes and as much as I know that with my mind, my heart don’t be knowing it. And as I plan to get my knee taken care of  in January (those miles on the BK bridge did it) it is hard  to have that area of my life unstable when there is another part of me knowing that the stability may be  more comfortable. Holding on or back out of fear has never been a good look for me. So I’m just going to ask for help as it arises, and listen real close to messages.

If I have learned or was reminded of anything this weekend, is that honey, when its time its time and it ain’t shit I can do about it.

Daggumit Mercury. You remind me that I am not the boss of anyone except for myself. ROAR!

You been read lately?

Mercury bring you a message you would have RATHER waited for?

As a writer does the solitude agree with you?

On Becoming Bleek Gilliam, On Becoming Janie

If you know me you know I can’t stand no Bleek Giliam nor the people

who remind me of him.? Yet I tend to date them anyways. #Ouch.

Bleek Gilliam is Denzel Washington’s in Mo’ Betta Blues who Loved his Boo’s and often Loved his art even more.

Last week, I realized why I hate Bleek so much, because in many ways I am him. Arrrrrg.

Earlier this month at a little Libra function two different people I dealt with were there.

The night went fine until the next morning when I learned that SD got one of my best girl friends.

I was like “Aye Blood, How you gone get at her knowing that I Love her, that shit was real sloppy.” It was then that I realized that he ain’t got no code, and because of that he dangerous.

It was one thing for him to BRING a pretty Black girl to the function, I expected that I wasn’t excited but she we grown, let it do what it do. It was another thing to holler @ my homie. Feel me. Sloppy!

He subsequently apologized and said he was ashamed but you know what blood,? its been awkward ever since, which is a reminder that that shit ain’t right.

I was very careful with the invitations. I prayed on them to be honest. What I didn’t do is give the right of first refusal and say, “Aye Blood, so and so gone be there, so you better have some act right” or ” you may or may not want to come, just an fyi.”

A couple of days later when Sbot learned what I did, she said call Bacon Grits, quick. I listened to her and I was glad I did. He suspected something was fishy and because I am taking some time to fall back and focus on my classes and teaching this fall, he knew we wouldn’t be talking to me as much, so he decided to wait to say something.

By bringing it up, I showed both integrity and a willingness to admit that I fucked up. He recognized that what I did wasn’t malicious, but still, I ain’t know.? I now realize going forward that I need to give folks the right of refusal.

I learned in that conversation that he was angry enough to stop dealing with me. I got #shook.

So how am I Bleek?

Bleek had his Love Bears. He also LOVED his work, his art.

I realize that as much as this quality irritates me in the people that I date, I also find it attractive AND I can also be the same way. Arrg.

You see I was hurting a couple of weekends ago. I told BG I was gon’ fall back, pray, listen to my heart, and get some work done.

I got A LOT of work done, but my life was so quiet without the constant hum of our contact. Phone calls, text messages, etc.

I was like dannnng. What if he meet somebody else in the meantime.

What is I gone do?

I can’t control that though. It is what it is until it ain’t.

It was then that I realized that this dude is in a whole OTHER category because he centers his relationships with his friends and family. He PUTS THEM over money. I know very few people like this, let alone Black men. (No shade to Black men, but ya’ll be representing #teamPatriarchy-A man ain’t a man unless he go stoopid dough, real hard.)

I understand how valuable and precious this is. Full stop.

At the same time I know I am driven and attracted to that? passion, a plan, conviction and commitment, OTHER Bleeks.

Court Bear,my datingn co blew my byrd up when she said people in general, men specifically, are rarely good at both as they are not socialized to be. Plus learning to be good at relationships takes time and a willingness to learn, like being good at anything. Arrg.

Which is brings me to Bleek. Ms. Nikon Jawn shared with me on Thursday that women are socialized to “give up their ” lives in pursuit of a partner. That sounds like a fertile ground for growing resentments.? And that this is a part of the reverb that I am feeling.

Trust. I am rooted in desire.? This is where Janie comes in. Janie looking for a bee for a her blossom, moving on when husbear number one or two wasn’t doing her right. I try to treat people humanly with the tools that I have at the moment.

I don’t know WHAT to make of all this. What I do know fer show, is that the outcome of none of this is mine. Honestly when I admit this and my Bleek tendencies, I feel better. I also feel better when I admit that it is my job to seek advice, listen to my heart and apologize when I fuck up.

#blackgirlsarefromthefuture.

yzr.

You know any Bleek Gilliam’s?

Does that analogy make sense?

Do you be Bleek too?