For Colored Girls Who Considered Love….

Courtesy of @RichieFresh

Two weeks ago, I was out.  I wasn’t even suppose to be. However, I came across #Aquemini. Luminous eyes and June born. #Pow. I introduced myself to him and he kissed my cheek. Then he turned around and kissed Greeneye’s hand. I couldn’t let THAT ‘ish slide.

So we are chatting.  So I say, “Honey, can I share something with you, um, it’s not cool that you kiss women without their permission, I don’t really want anyone putting their mouth on me if I don’t know them.” He responded, “Well, I was just being a gentleman.” I said, ” I get it, you were trying to be, but honestly when a woman wants you to kiss her, she will let you know.”

He then left for a bit. Then came back. I was impressed. Why? Because men are socialized to resent being challenged by women, let alone a woman in public.

We chat a bit more, then he leaves and I go on about my night.

This Saturday, I am up, bagged packed full of books, at the brunch spot working on my lesson plan waiting for Greeneyes to come meet me.

And in he walks. #Aquemini. I was like, ummm, this is an interesting development. He invites me to come sit with him. I mention that I wanted to talk to him further when I last saw him but the circumstances didn’t permit. I tell him that he struck me because after I said something about the kissing without consent, he came back. That spoke to me about his willingness to listen and learn.

So boom, here we go, Greeneyes comes, and we are all eating and chopping it up. The energy is intense honey.

He keeps saying that he has met me before, and I am like blood no you didn’t, then I shared what @Afrolicious said about meeting somewhere else before we met here. It clicked. She was right. He ain’t believe me, but I understood.

What do I say, where do I begin?

Well the first thing is that we did a two step to Crown Royal on Ice at 4pm in the afternoon. Muerte.

The second thing is that I have never in my life hung out with someone who spoke to EVERYONE, joked laughed, entertained, yet I never once felt like I was getting played, like I wasn’t being attended to. You know how you be out with people and they got wondering eye balls and they be over associating? Well, #Aquemini was marinating both around us and with me. For instance, he was like “I like the natural color of your mouth, the way the color changes from the bottom to the top.” Who says things like this? Furthermore, there was a group of folks visiting from out of town, three women and two men. He gave ALL the women nick names, was chopping it up with the fellas. Again, it takes a certain kind of person to be out with a lady friend, engage with entire groups of people and holding both down.

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Greeneyes later said, man hanging with ya’ll was like being in a hot air balloon, and I felt her. I had to come down from it yesterday and bury my face in books for five hours last night. o.O
This is not to say we didn’t have a gender moment. So there was some point in the afternoon where cats, including him were being homophobic, saying no homo this, pause that. After everyone left I was like “Honey, you should know something about me. I do not tolerate that kind of language. In fact I find it just as offensive as when White folks say racist things around me.” I went on to say, “In the future, if that happens, Imma speak up, walk away, or both.” He tried to do the “I make fun of everyone” excuse. And of course that doesn’t matter to me, because when White folks say it its a cop out as well. Besides words have power, and bodies have histories. He listened to me and said “Renina, I know of other people who think like you do. I hear you.” #sawooon.

To be clear, I do not like feeling like I am being surveilled. I relish my autonomy. However, on this day I marinated in being with, even for a day. One of the women said, “Girl, I don’t know how you deal with him, how long ya’ll been together?”  I was like. “This is my second time seeing him ever in life.” o.O

The most absurd shit about the whole day. He stated that he adored me and would like to get off into my world, but contended that based on some of the demands in his life right now, he would fall back. I’m like nooooooooooooooooooooooooo #Aquemini.

In saw his heart, and I know he is angry and when he stops being angry, and forgives himself he will have more room for Love. But that is between him and his Jesus. Can’t no one make me do anything that I don’t want to, so I know better than to try and make others do the same.

I woke up with Bilal in my head. The joint is quite appropro and prolly will be on my byrd until I run into him again. #GodHelpusAll. #CantWaituntilSaturday. On the low.


Can you believe this?

Crown Royal on Ice two stepping?

Talking to other women but not violating?

Gemini’s be a handful, but they be on point honey.

On Being Honest and Saying No.

I finally laid it down with SD on Friday. He saw me and wanted to sip and I said sure. But we needed to talk first.

I basically said listen, I need to get off this ride. I adore you, we have a lot in common but you come at me like you want to have your foot wedging a door open. You see, last time I saw him, he didn’t speak, then rolled up a few minutes later taumbout, yeah I just wanted to say hello. I was like the fuck? In his defense we did just start back speaking, but I’m like #comeoneson. Be vulnerable. Or stop.

I know me/us, its only a matter of time before something out of pocket jumps off.  #History. Uh. No. I said “I am a gift. We all are. The difference is that some of us see it and walk with that understanding.”

He listened then said his work comes first. Boom. I am grown. I can accept that. I’m on that Bleek Gilliam. My work comes first too, most the time. So I get it. In fact, I have 4 fifteen hour days ahead of me this week.

At the same time,  I ain’t gonna be bopping around thrusting flirts at people I got history with. Energy is powerful and it moves, honey.

I light weight can’t believe I actually said it.

Why? Because the liminal space is comfortable, sorta. Or maybe that’s not it, it is familiar. Ok. #boom. I just knew that I needed to take responsibility for my role.

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Keep the path clean.

The Original. #Aquemini.

And peep game, when I asked @afrolicious on Friday, what was going in the spiritual dimension of Wisconsin, she mentioned that well, things happen in that dimension first then we see them on the human level. I know I just looked at the phone and was like she be taking this #blackgirlsarefromthefuture ‘ish to a whole other level. However. I was suspect until….Saturday confirmed for me that she was right when I ran into the original #Aquemini at brunch…….you don’t know about my biggie wars. In fact it was quite pleasurable. Talk about becoming Janie

Do you believe that when one door closes another one opens?

Why people stay in your system until you ready to let them go?

How do you muster up the courage to have conversations you would rather avoid?

Keep That Thang Clean…

I woke up with clarity this morning.

You know THAT post that I wrote last week, well, I ran into him again. I wasn’t even suppose to be out Friday.

I passed on going to see the free Bilal show. Up early at a fundraiser brunch at 8:30 am, taught at 1pm, the day was long.  I was tired, but I needed to go meet up with my homie Green Eyes and once I got out I just kinda stayed.

I was pressed and normally I dance, pray, or eat something good and lay it down when I feel like that. #nothtebestCompany. #WhenThingsbeonmybyrd.

Green Eyes bounced, then in SD walks, but I don’t see him initially, he was behind me. Then he and his peoples leaves.

Five minutes later, I am figuring out my next move and he returns to “speak.” I chat with him.

If I wasn’t so distracted by the things on my byrd,  I would have said, Aye blood, why you speak now, but you ain’t before?  But I knew what it was, desire is coming out side ways. That shit is young to me. We grown, be vulnerable or bounce. Where in the heck is #aquemini. Lol.

Then he prepared to leave.

Can I get a hug?
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Uh. No.

A kiss on the cheek?

Uh. No.

A pound?

Nah Blood, I’m cool on all that.

He can desire a touch, but you ain’t in touch with yo’ desire. #comeonSon.

See, I been waiting for more info and I woke up with it this morning, and rather then go back to sleep, I felt hella rested and decided to get into my day at 5:15am. I had a HELLLLA work today today. I might be on my 15th hour. (It feels good to write though) and I got a lot accomplished.

So yeah, those actions are not to be tolerated and I am going to have to shut it down. If you give some negros an inch, they want the whole #City.

On Desire and Being #VulnerableyFearless

In the name of all things vulnerableyfearless.

Last night I ran into SD.

I was just posted up by myself, my Jeffersonian date ended early and last night was my Friday because I am going to be working through this weekend. Normally when I go out I either meet up with folks or run into folks and we just post up anyways. But last night I was just on my dolo and enjoying the end of the Wizards game and in he walks. I look but don’t speak. Why?

Because we ain’t speaking.

But peep game, he then says to me, “I don’t know if we are talking or not but can we talk about it? We see each other all the time.” Side eye, because on one level, I was just getting ready to leave, on another level, this needed to happen.

So, I think about it, and say, “I am thinking about it.”

He says that he wants to be able to buy me a drink and just be on speaking terms. I am like, ummp, I have to think about and reflect on that because the last time I spoke to you I found you to be manipulative.

Basically, I forgive him in December for some other past ‘ish, here is the post about that.

When he was forgiven he then turned around and got at me hard. “Where you been? You look good, you seeing anyone? Can I call you? Whatchu doing for Christmas and New Years? I miss you.” I was like #damnGina. Really. All up in the video. (peace to JJ.) I ain’t seen you in like nearly three months and you trying to get in my bone gristle. #UmmOkay.

On top of that I am getting little text messages Sunday and Monday, “can I text message you?, you out at this party, I think I just saw you.”

I was like nah, negro, I am at home grading papers. #Luls. I am not gonna front, it felt good be sweated.

The following week I flirted back and he was like nah, this isn’t a good idea, and I was like, what the hell is wrong with you, you don’t treat human beings like this. I am a human being, not an object. He thought it was cool, I was like, I am getting off this ride. Deuces, good luck because it didn’t have to be this way.

So last night we spoke. About it all.

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I took Mr. New Life showing up to mean that I should hear SD out, that people have stories to tell. So I decided to talk to him and he ordered a round and we chatted.

I stated that I felt that he was being manipulative when he came at me hard and then switched it up. He felt that he wasn’t because he had simply just changed how he was relating to women and honestly seeing me reminded him of an alternate and new path that he sees himself on. #hmmmp. The validity of this is between him and his Jesus, however I also know that I am a catalyst so I am not surprised by this in some ways.

I went on to say that I was seeing someone, Miami, intensely last month. While we were out once Miami asked me, “How is dating for you here?” I was like well, I have these intense busy periods, and then pretty steady work load with teaching, writing and classes. So there is a time constraint, except over break. I am funny, emotive and a #blackgirlfromthefuture, so it don’t really BE hard to find someone to kick it with. The hard thing is finding someone to do multiple things with. Like go to the museum AND the watch the Colts game AND to a Nikki Giovanni reading and to a Black feminist talk/art show jawn and watch the fight. Feel me?

I also shared that I recently learned three things about myself. First, that I speak with my eyes, and that while I try to choose my words carefully and deliberately, I also now need to do the same with my eyes. Second I am an energy conduit, I move information along as a writer. That I give it how I get it, so I need to be mindful of how and when I interact with people. #mirror.

So he apologized and I said thank you and that I appreciated him taking the initiative so say something. And then I was blunt and said, “If you want to be on speaking terms, how are you going to deal with your desire?”

He was like whaaaaaah? You mean my desire for you, and I was like yeah negro, that. Because it doesn’t go away. It stays in the cut.

I then went on to say, honey, I am an energy conduit, and I know now that people can SEE when I have a connection with another person. It’s visible. There is in fact chemistry between us, and you have been ambivalent about your desire, and it is most certainly there and it comes out sideways. #umNo. #imgrown. And trust, I keep my finger on the pulse of my desire and I typically follow it, because its one of the ways I allow myself to remain vulnerable while also pushing that fearlessness. Its also one of the ways that I remember that I don’t control outcomes. Sidebar: Desire had me on 10pm Bolt buses to Brooklyn this summer getting in at 2am, and returning back home on Monday at 6am to go to work. #ummhmm. Then I said, “I am cool with the desire, I can manage it, I am not so sure about you.”

So he ask’s “So I can’t flirt with you?” I respond, “Do you.” #deadass. I also said “and understand that there are consequences to that, that I give how I get, that you are dealing with a human being and not a lamp.” Undealt with desire comes out sideways, especially when it ain’t acknowledged.

Then I said, “So lets do this, you think about how you are going to deal with your desire, and I will pray on what my next right step is.”

#Ummhmm.

Ain’t forgiveness a lot of work?

Why people just be showing up when it be time to have a conversation?

Isn’t it awesome when men or women rethink how they treat women. I like that.

He is Such a Gemini.

#ummhmm.<<<<Click.

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