A photo he took of me Labor Day Weekend @ Havana’s. This man made me look like Zora. #Tears. #Ummhmm.
Dedicated to @mistmattnash
I don’t know what to say.
I realized two nights ago that I am grieving the fact that I just walked away from someone who is father material. We are still friends but….it ain’t the same.
I knew something was up with me because I caught myself obsessing over two people that I had no business doing so. Thinking about them from time to time, yes, because you DO be needing to process life events and what not, but the level that I was doing it was way too much.
Then I realized rather than feel my feelings I was thinking of other people. #Allbad.
Feeling vs. Thinking are two different things when it comes to healing. Full stop.
I was reading a book on the subject and it said that, “You start to grieve when you get ready to.”
I have dated, I am #oldladyrap, but this situation was like two ships passing and then when I finally put two and two together I realized that amongst a few things our timing was janky.
As a Black feminist I take parenting seriously. Like really serious. Isn’t it bugged that I have never written about this personal choice before? Well, it’s close to my heart. But nearly everything I write is, luls. Perhaps it is because this is close in another, arguably more profound way. I talk about it with the homies, but I haven’t written about it.
When I write it I make it real.
I ordered one immediately sildenafil pills check out my store and it came in a discreet package. order viagra no prescription The professional driving instructors are at your beck and call and help one complete the online course alongside the “in-car lessons” that are a part of the “get behind the wheel” training. People who undergo Scoliosis surgery experience severe pain in buy viagra line the pelvis and result in a build-up of prostatic fluid. Erectile Dysfunction A study by the Journal of Urology suggests that Ginseng can be effective in the course of sexual cialis in india encounter. I did start a post way back in 2009 titled “Babies vs. Dreams” or as @BritnidWrites corrected me “Baby Dreams vs. Other Dreams.” But it was really involved and contained interviews and what not, school started and it kinda just got away from me.
The thing about it is blood, everybody ain’t parenting material. I have dated very few other people who I saw as being dad material. In some ways he is the only one seemed to not only desire it but was focused on being good at it. #damngina.
People ask me, especially on dates, where your little bears at? And I tell them that this is a society that needs children in order to survive, but refuses to support mothers, while simultaneously expecting them to perpetually raise new generations. I am cool on those.
If men gave birth there would be cheap and accessible child care on every corner.
How did I get to this point?
The turning point for me about this was over two years ago, Filthy was real clear about how he knows hella organizers whose children don’t talk to them. I was kinda stuck. I had to think real hard about what being #BlackgirlBleekGilliam means to me.
I think this is why I am so fascinated by Lauryn Hill and her choice to leave and raise her babies and peoples reaction TO that choice.
So yeah. I am grieving the loss. And I have to accept it. But daggumit if I don’t want to some days.
You ever think about the choice to parent?
Would you do it over again different?
Why people think Lauryn Hill owe them something?
It’s a tough choice. I’m in law school & as excited as I am about practicing law (I know that my time in the profession will be limited. Law is very demanding but when I have kids, I need to be available to raise my children & be their advocate in the public school system, especially during those crucial elementary years. I plan to transition into academia and do pro bono work on the side when I can, b/c there’s no way I can work in a firm or do criminal work and keep 9-5 hours. It means I won’t achieve all of the professional goals I would like to, but at the end of the day I’d regret not having kids & giving them the best more than I would giving up professional prestige.
Kudos to you for not feeling guilty about your choice though. Parenthood is a burden and should not be undertaken lightly.
After reading this post, my boy @sweeneykovar posted this link on twitter about Lauryn Hill.
http://bugginout.wordpress.com/2011/01/20/heroes-eventually-die-lauryn-hill-and-us/
I watched the interviews and read the beautiful prose.
I thought about the importance of experience and living for an artist like you.
thank you for sharing. love.
this topic has come up a good deal for me… primarily because I decided, over a decade ago, that I didn’t want any children. and I’ve had to defend that choice- a lot. Most hilariously in a debate with jackie robinson’s brother…
“The thing about it is blood, everybody ain’t parenting material.”
*Nodding* I’ve thought about my reasoning about not having children to the point that my parents have given up talking to me about it. If someone wants to have a child, they should look at it with the same seriousness, and alignment with life purpose…
.02
So the first video is ten years old but i found an interview from the summer.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gafdu7tf-1U&feature=related
wow. privacy. normalcy. freedom. love. life. expression. #blackgirlsarefromthefuture
In this thoughtful and well written blog, why was there no mention if marriage?
Why put the cart before the horse?
If he’s not worth marrying, he’s not worth procreating with.
Um.
Thank you for recognizing that it is thoughtful and well written blog.
Why do you assume that I believe in the institution of marriage?
Whose interests are being served by this statement “If he’s not worth marrying, he’s not worth procreating with.”
~Renina
I dont know how I missed this one!
I’m parenting now, and I have sacrificed somethings, but that’s the decision I made. Single Parenting is hard shit!! Real Talk!
I have decided to NOT parent any others. I love my boy, but these teenage years show you what you really made of. + raising a Black Boy in this day and time, #uuumhmmmm.
I’m doing it tho! another one of yours that I like #wingsup 🙂
People think all entertainers owe them something, really?? With her I believe it ties in real heavy with all the gender politics you teach/speak about.
Love this topic, your blog & you!! 🙂
@Renina
Well, I didn’t assume. I asked, why no mention of marriage. 🙂
I would hope that if one wish to bring a life into the world they would WANT to do it with both parents under one roof. Can they both be under the same roof without being married? Sure, but I think there’s a better likelihood of maintaining the relationship if the couple is married.
Leaving a spouse takes a lot more thought, time and energy than leaving a boyfriend or girlfriend.
In regards to not being worth procreating with . . . if two (one would hope) reasonable adults can’t make a relationship work and sacrifice for each other, I don’t know how much they will be willing to sacrifice for a small being that isn’t rational and does not know the meaning of compromise.
Babies want/need what they want/need it. I see too many people with children that aren’t ready to sacrifice everything that came before, for the sake of that child.
Ahhh.
I see.
The piece that Moya wrote
I don’t subscribe to the idea that a nuclear family is the best for children, or anyone for that matter. Its patriarchal (centered on the idea that men have the right to dominate and protect women and children), and not the healthiest scenario for me.
Children need an entire support network of kinfolks and a safety net within broader society in order to make it.
The piece that Moya wrote on the Crunk Feminists site in response to the ideology set forth by NWNW gets at my thinking
around this topic. Read it and let me know what you think.
http://crunkfeministcollective.wordpress.com/2010/09/30/on-eddie-long-and-nwnw/
~R
I just left a comment over at the Crunk Feminist blog……interesting thought you raise here. Here is my two cents as a young, early 20s African American female: I agree that children need an entire support network of kinfolk and a safety net within broader society, however, that doesn’t negate the need for a strong nuclear family. It’s not a matter of choosing a, b, or c, as the best choice, it’s about realizing that it’s d – all of the above. My mother was a full time stay-at-home mom in the 90s and 2000s (even though, lol, I guess that really wasn’t all that long ago) and even with a lot of support from my dad, there was still plenty of room for the much needed help that came from my grandparents, aunts and uncles, and older cousins. Mom, dad, grandparents, aunts, and uncles all changed diapers, took turns feeding, combed hair, and took me (and later, my brothers) to preschool and kindergarten. My mom passed away my senior year in high school, after battling an illness for many years that took a sudden turn for the worse… and even with a lot of family and community support (my mom and dad were well known around town so when tragedy struck, everyone really, really jumped to lend a hand) my dad will tell anyone in a heartbeat how much work it is to be a single parent. As he likes to tell me and my brothers – quite frequently – he and my mom were committed to creating a specific environment for their family, and while they were the front-runners and bore the most responsibility, extended family, teachers, coaches, and counselors also played a considerable role as well.
Actually…thinking it about more deeply…most men I know, including the men I have dated, that are strongly family-oriented and committed to their families favor marriage.
I’d like to hear from the men, though, on a child-rearing model that places them at the front and center of child caretaking. I do think that could be useful.