This post can also be titled, “Dear Mercury, You evil little _____.”
Last week, I told MF Kennedy that things were going fine regarding the end of the semester, but that the hardest part of doing this work for me is the intense stretches of solitude. I went on to say that I was still chugging along with my to do list and making it crack off, and was happy with how upbeat I was.
In response, he sent me this video nearly a week ago.
I had not watched it until tonight, at which point I broke down in tears.
Why?
I because I felt read, read all up in my bone gristle.
When Professor Cornel West said:
“It takes more courage to look into the corners of your own soul than it does for a soldier to fight on a battlefield…”
“Courage is the most enabling virtue for any philosopher, for a human being…”
“To philosophize is to learn how to die. You can’t talk about truth without talking about learning how to die….the conditions of truth is to allow suffering to speak.”
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@ 5:53 “There is certain pleasure in the life of the mind that cannot be denied. Its true that you might be socially isolated because you are in the library or working at home…if you read…Ruskin, or Twain or Melville, you almost have to throw the book against the wall because you are so intensely alive that you need a break.”
Read?
Read like how my 96 year old Black woman neighbor read me this summer saying “Honey I can tell you LIKE to believe in the good in people, but some folks want to tear you down just to see you in pain. Now you can admit this or not, but based on my talking to you, you probably won’t because it just don’t seem in you.”
The fact that I knew that they were riding down Broadway in NYC, in the clip, having walked those streets many of times just kinda was like a 1,2 punch. Feel me?
Tears because in a conversation with BG today I was reminded that I don’t control outcomes and as much as I know that with my mind, my heart don’t be knowing it. And as I plan to get my knee taken care of in January (those miles on the BK bridge did it) it is hard to have that area of my life unstable when there is another part of me knowing that the stability may be more comfortable. Holding on or back out of fear has never been a good look for me. So I’m just going to ask for help as it arises, and listen real close to messages.
If I have learned or was reminded of anything this weekend, is that honey, when its time its time and it ain’t shit I can do about it.
Daggumit Mercury. You remind me that I am not the boss of anyone except for myself. ROAR!
You been read lately?
Mercury bring you a message you would have RATHER waited for?
As a writer does the solitude agree with you?
There is certain pleasure in the life of the mind that cannot be denied. Its true that you might be socially isolated because you are in the library or working at home…if you read…Ruskin, or Twain or Melville, you almost have to throw the book against the wall because you are so intensely alive that you need a break.”
—
I spend a lot of time all up in the corners of my soul.
I saw this movie a few months ago, and I was so blown away by this segment. Yes, I felt read (then and tonight) because I have to admit that I feel most alive in my solitude, and when I emerge for life things (including hanging out with my lovely community), I sometimes feel compromised, kind of like I gave up my mind life for a lesser (equally beautiful?) thing.
Honestly, the challenging thing for me is dealing with the social isolation. Not because I am particularly social, but because, as my social self, I still feel a profound isolation, and I know I am often misunderstood.
You dig?