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I told that man…

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two weeks ago that I was done, and getting off the ride.

Of all the  people I met around this time last year, I am on speaking terms with everyone. We cool, if we see each other we say wassup. If they call I pick up. If I call them they call I pick up. But…this one appears to thrive on the contention.

SD doesn’t know what shit or get off the pot means, but I said it and I meant it.

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I was leaving a spot on Thursday and I walked past him and said nothing, which is what I said was gone go down, depending on how I felt. Crossing the street I looked at my phone and saw a text that said “lol this is dumb.” Now I know this was not rook steez at all, (Rooks be all OVER the board and they keep the king in check) , but I walked back and got within two inches of his face and said, its not dumb, you just pissed because you are not in control of this moment. Flirting much. Yes. Serious Much. Yes. I will admit it.

Some other words were exchanged, but it comes down to me saying what I mean. It’s been a year. Decide or move on.

#Wingsup.

Kill Me or Leave Me Alone: Street Harassment as a Public Health Issue

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This one is for Afrolicious and the notion of Appophenia.

Last Saturday on the way home on the metro platform I was tired.

I had been dancing. Bier was consumed. I spent the afternoon reading, and the evening posted up with my friend All Spirit and then the night dancing.

All Spirit bounced early, and he was my ride so I darted home on the metro. Looking back I should have asked another homie for a ride home.

I am walking on the metro platform and these two young Black men, are eyeing, me, saying something and if you know me you know I always trust my intuition. Full stop.

My intuition told me that I wasn’t safe and that I needed to act.

So rather than go back and for with these cats because it is late,  and I still needed to get home, and the platform was relatively empty,  I say to him “Aye blood, I’m from East Oakland California, either kill me or leave me alone.”

Even as I type it, I still can’t believe that it came out my mouth.

One of the dudes was like she from Oakland. She from Oakland and kinda let me be.

The other one took it personal as a threat. He left me alone, but there were was definitely a threat of violence in his body language and his words.

Whatever my fate was that night, I was ready.

I am so sick and tired of being treated like shit because of what is between my legs.

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I mean, I understand full and well that things could have escalated. However over the last 3 months I have had these public interactions with Black men challenging, with the explicit threat of violence, my right to be in public.

So I called my brother to help me get some context. He told me that you never know what you are going to need to do to stay alive in a situation. Sometimes it is being silent, sometimes it is setting someone straight from the gate. After he said this, and related a similar experience that he had around standing up for himself when someone threatened him, I felt better. Still uneasy but better.

This street harassment+gendered violence experience also has me thinking about Charlie Sheen.

One of the reasons why I take all of these Charlie Sheen tweets so serious is because he beat his ex wife, and because he is imploding right in front of us.

The whole time I have been trying to think about how to write this post I have been watching the discourse around Charlie Sheen.

Men, Black men and White men can joke and shit about how Charlie and what not is funny, but as a Black woman, trying to get from point A to point B, who demands to be treated like a human being, violence or the threat of violence is a real part of my day to day existence.

Nothing Charlie says is funny because that man speaking to me that way on the train platform was not funny.

It really is out of pocket that I have to damn near be ready to die just to assert my humanity after dancing to Prince all night long.

Pow.

Street harassment as a public health issue?

Can you believe I said it?

Is it time for me to leave the city?

For Colored Girls Who Considered Love….

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Courtesy of @RichieFresh

Two weeks ago, I was out.  I wasn’t even suppose to be. However, I came across #Aquemini. Luminous eyes and June born. #Pow. I introduced myself to him and he kissed my cheek. Then he turned around and kissed Greeneye’s hand. I couldn’t let THAT ‘ish slide.

So we are chatting.  So I say, “Honey, can I share something with you, um, it’s not cool that you kiss women without their permission, I don’t really want anyone putting their mouth on me if I don’t know them.” He responded, “Well, I was just being a gentleman.” I said, ” I get it, you were trying to be, but honestly when a woman wants you to kiss her, she will let you know.”

He then left for a bit. Then came back. I was impressed. Why? Because men are socialized to resent being challenged by women, let alone a woman in public.

We chat a bit more, then he leaves and I go on about my night.

This Saturday, I am up, bagged packed full of books, at the brunch spot working on my lesson plan waiting for Greeneyes to come meet me.

And in he walks. #Aquemini. I was like, ummm, this is an interesting development. He invites me to come sit with him. I mention that I wanted to talk to him further when I last saw him but the circumstances didn’t permit. I tell him that he struck me because after I said something about the kissing without consent, he came back. That spoke to me about his willingness to listen and learn.

So boom, here we go, Greeneyes comes, and we are all eating and chopping it up. The energy is intense honey.

He keeps saying that he has met me before, and I am like blood no you didn’t, then I shared what @Afrolicious said about meeting somewhere else before we met here. It clicked. She was right. He ain’t believe me, but I understood.

What do I say, where do I begin?

Well the first thing is that we did a two step to Crown Royal on Ice at 4pm in the afternoon. Muerte.

The second thing is that I have never in my life hung out with someone who spoke to EVERYONE, joked laughed, entertained, yet I never once felt like I was getting played, like I wasn’t being attended to. You know how you be out with people and they got wondering eye balls and they be over associating? Well, #Aquemini was marinating both around us and with me. For instance, he was like “I like the natural color of your mouth, the way the color changes from the bottom to the top.” Who says things like this? Furthermore, there was a group of folks visiting from out of town, three women and two men. He gave ALL the women nick names, was chopping it up with the fellas. Again, it takes a certain kind of person to be out with a lady friend, engage with entire groups of people and holding both down.

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Greeneyes later said, man hanging with ya’ll was like being in a hot air balloon, and I felt her. I had to come down from it yesterday and bury my face in books for five hours last night. o.O
This is not to say we didn’t have a gender moment. So there was some point in the afternoon where cats, including him were being homophobic, saying no homo this, pause that. After everyone left I was like “Honey, you should know something about me. I do not tolerate that kind of language. In fact I find it just as offensive as when White folks say racist things around me.” I went on to say, “In the future, if that happens, Imma speak up, walk away, or both.” He tried to do the “I make fun of everyone” excuse. And of course that doesn’t matter to me, because when White folks say it its a cop out as well. Besides words have power, and bodies have histories. He listened to me and said “Renina, I know of other people who think like you do. I hear you.” #sawooon.

To be clear, I do not like feeling like I am being surveilled. I relish my autonomy. However, on this day I marinated in being with, even for a day. One of the women said, “Girl, I don’t know how you deal with him, how long ya’ll been together?”  I was like. “This is my second time seeing him ever in life.” o.O

The most absurd shit about the whole day. He stated that he adored me and would like to get off into my world, but contended that based on some of the demands in his life right now, he would fall back. I’m like nooooooooooooooooooooooooo #Aquemini.

In saw his heart, and I know he is angry and when he stops being angry, and forgives himself he will have more room for Love. But that is between him and his Jesus. Can’t no one make me do anything that I don’t want to, so I know better than to try and make others do the same.

I woke up with Bilal in my head. The joint is quite appropro and prolly will be on my byrd until I run into him again. #GodHelpusAll. #CantWaituntilSaturday. On the low.


Can you believe this?

Crown Royal on Ice two stepping?

Talking to other women but not violating?

Gemini’s be a handful, but they be on point honey.

On Being Honest and Saying No.

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I finally laid it down with SD on Friday. He saw me and wanted to sip and I said sure. But we needed to talk first.

I basically said listen, I need to get off this ride. I adore you, we have a lot in common but you come at me like you want to have your foot wedging a door open. You see, last time I saw him, he didn’t speak, then rolled up a few minutes later taumbout, yeah I just wanted to say hello. I was like the fuck? In his defense we did just start back speaking, but I’m like #comeoneson. Be vulnerable. Or stop.

I know me/us, its only a matter of time before something out of pocket jumps off.  #History. Uh. No. I said “I am a gift. We all are. The difference is that some of us see it and walk with that understanding.”

He listened then said his work comes first. Boom. I am grown. I can accept that. I’m on that Bleek Gilliam. My work comes first too, most the time. So I get it. In fact, I have 4 fifteen hour days ahead of me this week.

At the same time,  I ain’t gonna be bopping around thrusting flirts at people I got history with. Energy is powerful and it moves, honey.

I light weight can’t believe I actually said it.

Why? Because the liminal space is comfortable, sorta. Or maybe that’s not it, it is familiar. Ok. #boom. I just knew that I needed to take responsibility for my role.

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Keep the path clean.

The Original. #Aquemini.

And peep game, when I asked @afrolicious on Friday, what was going in the spiritual dimension of Wisconsin, she mentioned that well, things happen in that dimension first then we see them on the human level. I know I just looked at the phone and was like she be taking this #blackgirlsarefromthefuture ‘ish to a whole other level. However. I was suspect until….Saturday confirmed for me that she was right when I ran into the original #Aquemini at brunch…….you don’t know about my biggie wars. In fact it was quite pleasurable. Talk about becoming Janie…

Do you believe that when one door closes another one opens?

Why people stay in your system until you ready to let them go?

How do you muster up the courage to have conversations you would rather avoid?

Thank you for Moya and Jessica.

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For the last two years. Moya and Jessica have taken my calls, given me advice, listened to me while I was in tears and wanted to drop out.

Listened to me deal with breaking up with Filthy, listened to me deal with what it means to be a graduate student in a Research 1 University.

They are both hella busy.

Both dissertating. Both have jobs, family and Love bears of their own, yet they have taken the time to help me.

I am grateful, because they always challenge and support me.

Furthermore, they never play hide the ball on some “I ain’t gonna help her because she might get a job or fellowship I want” and they know #Blackgirlsarefromthefuture.
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You know how you call someone and say  “Hey, How do I go about finding a summer lecturing job doing the cold call” and you never hear back from them? Well, last week, I asked them both that question and they both answered quickly, with thorough assed answers.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you two have shown me what Love looks like while being Black womenin an academic space.

You don’t have to do what you do and I appreciate the fact, that, not only do you do it. But you do it consistently.

#Youareappreciated.

Love,

Renina.