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Crush’s and Being Human

by

Neens and D.J. Les courtesy of @sixfive

Thursday night, I went to a function.

Boom bap deliciousness, but I hadn’t anticipated it.

I had a big work day, and knew I wanted to chill later,? so I had given
KB a heads up.

Got a text? around @ 6:00 pm saying, “not going to be able to make it tonight.”

I was like word? Okay, thank you for letting me know.

Boom.

So I am out, decompressing, made a new lady friend, Connecticut Minnie.

I get a “Hey” text from KB around 7:30.

I respond. “Hey Love.”

“You get my Voice Mail?

I say, “Nah I don’t check vm’s, plus I am in a no service zone.”

He like, ” Oh two joints going on tonight, Black Milk and L.E.S spinning

I’m trying to go, would like for you to come.”

I’m like. Lawd I am not built for this.

First no, now, “Imma come meet you where you @?”

You know how you don’t wanna wait for somebody, but you
kinda do?

I couldn’t figure out where the LES jawn was, so I text J Boogie
and crew and they was like yeah girl, we here, come through.

He cool with J Boogie so I was like, ummp. How do I freak this?

Time goes by, I wait, Connecticut Minnie look at me,
and says boo, you want a ride? I am not going in but I will drop you.

I want to stay posted. She like YOU BEEN waiting, scoot, let him
swoop you. And I was kinda embarrassed because normally I be wanting time, places and plans LAID out, clean. I’m real particular about that.

But this, ummmp. New ‘ish.
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And that is not how THIS works. BUT its awesome, because
I am outside of my comfort zone, learning to do my part
and give the rest to God. Ummmp.

Fearless and Vulnerable, I’m trying at least.

The spot is all boom bappy and good. Like 1992 boom bappy.

30 minutes later. I look up Connecticut Minnie is there, I’m like WHAT, I thought you went home. Yeah, you came.

KB shows up, walks past me, thought he was playing me. Instinct
was to feel tight, but I know better, sorta.

I asked,? he say “Nah, I? ain’t see you.” Well he is near sighted. Luls.

“Glad to you see you made it.”

“Girl I came out here to see you, you think I came to see J Boogie,” lols.

“Of course you did.”

I dance, he don’t dance, but grabbed me.

“Watch you get caught up in my MEAN two step.” Looked at him like he was gone out his skull.

Lying if I wasn’t lightweight caught up in the mean two step, what part of the game is this?

Later that evening @sixfive captured the above flick.

I was kinda shook by how warm the colors are.

@Beautynubian says that I look like pure joy.

In some ways I think she right.

I had no idea how that night would turn out. And it was
lovely. My face shows it. Ummm hmmm.

Here’s to being more human humans in #2010 and letting
go of thangs so you can let OTHER thang’s do what it do.

Here’s to it all not needing time to be planned out down the hour and it being LOVELY anyways.

Letting go of anything in 2010?

Letting anything in in 2010?

Take any awesome smiley pictures lately?

How Zora and Jay Dilla Helped Me Claim My Crush

by

This one is for T.dot and Black girls desire.

A month ago, I read There Eyes Watching God in one sitting, in Oakland.

I hadn’t read the book since I was a 16. At that time I appreciated Zora’s use of language, but I didn’t have the life experience to appreciate the beauty of the ways in which Janey left her husbands but wasn’t crushed, the ways in which Janey held on to her humanity and to desire, and the general importance of seeing a Black woman’s interior life on paper.

Given the fact that I have been learning about centering women’s subjectivity, perspectives and experiences in my Women Studies course work, I immediately saw the significance of TEWWG. I also developed a critique of WHY Richard Wright didn’t get TEWWG. He didn’t understand the political significance of Black women’s voice’s, the importance of claiming desire and the distinction between speaking up and being voiceless in Black communities.

The origins of the US are rooted in Black women’s productive and reproductive labor in this country. So, if someone is affirming our interior lives,? it is most certainly a political act.

Wright wrote, in reviewing TEEWG,

“… The sensory sweep of her novel carries no theme, no message, no thought. In the main, her novel is not addressed to the Negro, but to a white audience whose chauvinistic tastes she knows how to satisfy. She exploits that phase of Negro life which is “quaint,” the phase which evokes a piteous smile on the lips of the “superior” race.”

Richard thought Zora was perpetually cooning, apolitical and setting the movement back.

Zora was affirming our humanity.

So how does this fit with my crush and Dilla?

A couple of weeks ago, my homie J-boogie invited me to a party at the end of February. Yeah for slowly? making new friends who invite me to stuff! WoOter. I learned that a friend of his, that I had recently peeped would be there, so I asked if he was single, liked Black girls and whether he was a raging misogynist. The answer was yes, yes and no, so I said, word? Crush Bears!

Silver leggings, green eye shadow. Outfit planned!

Fast forward to this past Saturday night. I walked into a function with Ms. Nikon Jawn and who would you know, my crush, KB is there.

I have a bit of a rubber face, so I was stuck, because my face said what my mind thought, which was “What ‘chu doing here, is that really you?” I had to collect myself. I didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t suppose to happen like this.

I had already mentioned to my homie Ms. Nikon the deal, so she insisted, “YO, go say something.” I was like, furrowed eyebrows, “NO!”

So we danced, chilled and danced and I kept an eye out for him.

Couple hours later, Ms.Nikon Jawn I are taking a breather,
and KB walks by. I stare, he waves. He comes over and introduces,
Ms. Nikon bounces upstairs to check on the time and I gather my courage to speak my piece:

KB: I saw you looking at me earlier, like you were mad at me.
R: Naw, I wasn’t angry, I was just surprised to see you, see
I know who you are, you are my crush, we both know J boogie,
and I planned on introducing myself at his function at the end of the month.
KB: He having a party? I didn’t know about that. [wow]
R: Yup, end of the month.
KB: So why me, not every day pretty girls come up to dudes, and say they have crushes.
R: I am at a point in my life where I am interested in being around people who are comfortable being themselves, and you strike me as one of those people. Your performance of Black male masculinity, is comfortable and eccentric. Me Gusta.

He nodded.

We chatted more.

We decided to leave and eat.
I checked in with my girl, said good bye and said,
“I see you, ummm hmm.” Told her to text me when she got in.

KB and I left to get something to eat.

I felt like Janey. Not letting the fear of rejection polarize me, choosing desire,
stating my piece and giving the outcome to God.

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He teased me, calling me Renina Jenkins. I was like stop or imma poke you.
Asked me how old I was, I handed him my ID, people
always ask me that ish, ‘cuz I read young but sound old.
I never show anyone my id. But I did that night.

Vulnerable y Fearless.

We talked about the fact that I have an old snow tubing tag
on my coat.
At one point he was being a little sassy and hurt my feelings
and I was like, yo, why you talking like that…he responded, I was just trying to impress you and be funny. I was like just be yourself, that’s good money as is. We were cool again.

We talked about his art.

Then somehow the Slum Village song, came to my head, it goes:

Le feeee, leee faaa, ohhh hhh aha aaaaaaaaaaaaah.

He was like, “They are saying, Don’t Sell Yourself
to Fall in Love.”

I was like “REALLY? Wow, I kill rap lyrics.”

“How you know which song I meant?”

He said, “I could hear the melody, what does your hair look like?”

Done.

Two hours go by, talking and I realized that I enjoyed the conversation
because it was just that, a conversation.

Not where do you work, live, study? etc. After three questions from someone, I be feeling like am being interrogated.

On the real, sometimes, I be feeling like I want to hand people a resume when I first meet them just to get all those questions out the way. It was simply affirming to kick it with someone who didn’t act hella confused by my usage of “love bear” language, or the other eccentricities that entail this #blackgirlfromthefuture.

In fact, I mentioned to him that #blackgirlsarefromthe future.

He responded, “You should put that on t-shirts.”

“Its already in the works.”

In the end, I don’t know what will come of it.
We will may not ever see each other again. While I don’t wish for that I am cool with it.

You see, on Wednesday, I saw a conversation on gmail buzz that kinda had my heart in my throat. This crush experience was a nice recovery because it reminded me that, life is cool and that things happen on Gods time, not mine.

It also reminded me that yes, there are people in the world that feel me and can keep up, with they eccentric selves.? Umm hmm. I just have to be patient and remind myself that Change and Love are always possible.

#Crushbears2010!

You have any crushes lately?

You tell ’em ? Why or why not?

Zora and Dilla in the same post = #somuchwin

What It Means to Be A Working Artist

by

Tonight I watched Chop Shop, a film by Ramin
Bahrani, about a 12 year old young man in Queens, who makes
his way in the world, with at least twelve different hustles.

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an interview he writes,

I see every film as its own entity. It begins and ends with itself. we must accept that i am making films about how the majority of people in this world live, and we must also accept that this majority is utterly ignored by Hollywood and independent film (or belittled and exploited by using famous rich actors to play the roles of the economically poor in order for said actors to try and win awards). Thus, you may say that the connection between the two films is there, but as relevant as saying I am making films about people and the human condition in the “modern” globalized world.

Chop Shop is available on the Netflix instant play jawn.

Racism, Sexism, Homophobia and Black Folks

by

So, racial theory, queer theory and whiteness theory
are all rather meaningless if we can’t use them to help liberate us,
or even just better understand how the ‘isms function
in our day to day lives.

Last week, I was in Whole Foods, in Oakland, with my momma
and she says to me, “Hmmp, that girl doesn’t know
if she wants to be a man or a woman.” The woman was
a mid twenties, and had what could be read as a
masculine woman’s self presentation.

Now, having done both disability theory, and queer theory
as well, and also being a Black woman, and this being
my momma I knew I had to tread lightly and firmly.

So I said, “Momma, come on now, let her be.”

Then I looked her dead and her face and said,
“Everyone has a right to be who they are.”

She kept going.

I responded, “Momma, you know I Love coming to this
place with you, but I will walk out of here. Serious
as a heart attack.”

I told her that I felt that way that I did, because
as Black folks, who have been mistreated by Whites
for three centuries, we of all people should know
what it feels like to be oppressed by a dominant group.

Her response was, “Well, White folks ain’t never bothered
me.” “Well there was the one time on that one job….”? and
she starts trailing off.

So then I KNEW I had to change my unit of analysis,
and “take it to the body” as the Black women feminists
say.

I was like, “Momma, she has a right to be who she is.
Saying stuff about who she is is like treating her the way
White folks treated grandmomma.”

My momma got it then.

My grandmomma was a dark skinned, “shoot you if you run
cut ‘chu if you still” kind Black woman.

At a time when Black women were seen is silent pillars of
the community or wenches or doormats, my grandmum
always asserted her humanity, whether or not
other folks understood it was none of her business.

She took nothing from NO one, White police included.

And because of this they messed with her from Richmond
to Dallas and back.

She is my namesake.

It was awesome to take relational thinking about
queer and racial theory and be able to get my momma to
see where I was coming from.

Then peep game. She turned around and stood up for me.
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I have an Uncle who is type homophobic. I Love him, but
the combo of rage and homophobia, I ain’t built for that.

So, he was insistent on seeing me last week.

And she told him, listen, “Your really homophobic,
and Renina don’t like being around that, really none
of us do, you gon’ alienate people.”

I was like, wow. She spoke my truth, but dang, it seemed
kinda harsh when she told me what she said.
The other side of the coin is that he now knows where
I stand.

Fast forward last night, I am on a date of sorts.

The guy, a Black man, Mr. Fresh and Clean, I met at a dance
party recently, and the subject of me being touched
without consent came up.

On the dance floor, at one point he reached for me.

The material issue was that I concluded that his intentions
weren’t malicious, he came across as shy and it was a benign
touch, but still I am big on consent.

So, I bring it up to him last night and said that I don’t care
for it.

I want to be able to walk the street the way Black men do,
with autonomy.

He responded, “So you want to be treated like a man.”

I said no, “I want to be treated like a human.”

“You want me to give you a pound.”

“No, if you are a stranger, then don’t touch me,
or ask if you can hug me.”

Then came my relational one two punch analysis.

“Listen, I understand that they police have job to do,
police are human too. BUT, I have huge problem with the
ways in which Black men are surveilled and treated in
the streets. Furthermore, I don’t want you all to turn
around and treat us the same way. Its not cool.”

He sat there silent. Stared at the nachos on his plate.
Then turned and looked at me and said, “Wow, I never
thought of it like that, us treating you the way the police
treat us.”

I was like yeah man.

That’s the truth.

Thoughts?

Have to deal with homophobia, or racism or sexism
recently in a relationship?

How do you decide when to say something or when to
shut up?

Review: Empire of Illusion

by

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