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Are There 3 Kinds of Lovers?

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Last night my girl, Green Eyes, said that there are three kinds of lovers:

Givers,

Takers,

and In Betweeners.

I almost choked on my coffee when she told me a story about a dude so selfish that it felt like he was masturbating inside her. #Damn Gina.
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Clearly this post reflects my immersion in Black women’s sexuality narratives during finals.

You agree?

Disagree?

More Categories please?

#PeacetotheGivers. #Pow.

I Forgave Him

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Yesterday I decided to forgive SD.

And voila, he appears and I was given the space to say it in person.

Mercury in retrograde. I see you.

Honestly I wanted to keep the forgiveness to myself. But what good is that?

It was bugged in that when we saw each other he reached out for the greeting hug and I ain’t flinch.

I ain’t been seeing you. We don’t speak. AND you reaching out?

Uh.

No.

I have no problem with breaking social convention in order to preserve my physical autonomy. Who else is going to preserve it for me?

I do NOT do the compulsory hug. Full stop. Don’t touch me without my consent.
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Then he asked, please Renina, can I hug you?

I said yes, and, lets talk blood…

The east coast social circles of Artistic negro people and the folks who support us, are very small. So choosing to hold on to the anger, the hurt, required the kind of investment, that I was no longer willing to make.

It just struck me, walking to the train yesterday, #allcity, let it go.

This man knew I adored him, and he got at my girl on what I believe to be some petty shit. And I was focused on that. However, once I realized that I played a role in creating the conditions for a getting at to take place, forgiving just seemed MORE like the right thing for me to do. I had to hold myself and him responsible for that.

Anger is powerful but #LoveisStronger.

#ummhmm

You forgive anyone lately?

Why it be so hard?

You forgive then wish you could take it back?

Thinking About Jay Electronica & “Choking Women During Sex.”

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I hate them record scratch assed moments when I have to rethink whether or not to deal with an artist. Or whether I will be able to listen to them the same way after I heard them say something bugged out with regard to women, Black people or Black women.

Context. I rode for Jay. Read posts here and Jay Electronica is Basquiat on Wax.

I saw the videos this morning of Jay Electronica surveying his audience during his shows asking whether “All Women Liked to Be Choked” during sex (@00:20 sec).  Please note that in this clip he does say that he “didn’t say that all women liked being choked during sex,  some women do.”

I couldn’t help but think, man listen, here  goes another Clipse-esque “Tree Huggin Ass Bitch ” moment. The context is that I use to be a huge Clipse fan until I realized that they were calling me a “tree hugging ass bitch.” I still bump them from time to time, but it ain’t the same.

With regard to Jay Electronica, the issue isn’t the fact that he is discussing sex that involves erotic asphyxiation, or grabbing or smacking. Get it how you live. Sex on mutually agreed upon terms between two adults is what the streets want.

The issue is that when he asks “Do All Women Like Being Choked” question over and over again at different concerts, along with making statements like “You know what that means there’s a lot of women in Seattle getting choked against they will..[crowd laughter] ”  he is contributing to an environment that renders sexual violence as normal, an environment that already blames women for being sexually assaulted, a sexual ecosystem where 60% of sexual assaults are not reported to police,  a sexual ecosystem where every 2 minutes someone is sexual assaulted.

The issue is the silencing the woman in this video (@3:25 sec ) who tells him “It’s not funny.”  He responds saying “We know its not funny. Relax”  and then commands the crowd to repeat after him. Peace to her for speaking up. She is a #bravebear.

There is a woman who said she no longer felt safe after one of the “Do All Women Like Being Choked” incidences, and left the show.

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Mr.  Fantastic pointed out that Jay mentioned choking women in a freestyle on a mixtape, I haven’t heard it, so  if you have a link, please leave it.

He is also “surveying” here at a performance at the  Hiro ballroom in NYC last July.

@afrolicious and I use Exhibit C’ing as a verb. As in I will Exhibit C you. As in where is that art that you keep talking about producing? Get to it.

Artist have the power to change the world because people listen closely to what that they say, this is why they are influential.

For that reason I listen closely to what artists say.

What do you think of the video?

Isn’t a bet around whether women like to get choked during sex rather odd?

Other thoughts?

What in the Name of Venus Hottentot is Going on With Regis Philbin?

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Speaking to Jonzey Saturday I brought up the video of Regis touching Nicki’s behind on Live with Regis and Kelly (@1:42 sec). Listen to him say “looks like you are wearing a little strap there.” #sideeye

Jonzey responded saying, “I have thoughts about it, and they are different from yours.” Isn’t it awesome when your friends ALREADY BE KNOWING your arguments?

She argued that because Nicki Minaj holds herself out there as a sexual object, with hyper cartoonish hair colors and provocative clothing, then she will be treated like a sexual object.

I bit my lip and thought, she is right I disagree.

So I responded, wait, that same rationale is used to justify raping women. The argument goes, well, she is a ho, she wasn’t wearing panties, she asked to be raped. Jonzey said it wasn’t analogous. She is right, it ISN’T analogous, but the thinking is the same in that it places responsibility on the person acting, not the recipient of a non consensual touch.

I then asked her about the Adrian Brody kissing Halle Berry at the Oscars. She said, no that wasn’t the same because of how Halle holds herself out there.

She then brought up Diana Ross fondling Kim’s breast at at the VMA’s in 1999, 11 years ago.

And I asked if that was analgous to Regis touching Nicki and she said yes.

I bit my tongue.

Then finally said, “Girrlllllllllll. You know Imma have to write about this conversation. You know I don’t agree with you about this. I routinely get treated like a sex worker in the streets, especially in the summer time.”

I continued, “No one has the right to touch me, unless I consent to it, regardless of what I am wearing. That goes for Nicki and Kim or whomever.”

Besides, historically Black women have been seen, as a result of the ideologies of slavery as “Natural Ho’s” and most of rap music nor representations of Black women as hypersexual or invisible or as mammies certainly hasn’t helped in terms of refuting this.

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So um no.

Regis wrong.

Adrian Brody wrong.

Diana Ross wrong.

Don’t touch me/us.

Full stop.

Oh and for more context. Peep this old post “Buffy the Body is Venus Hottentott.”

Moya wrote about this too @ Crunkfeminists.

Women’s Media Center sent out a open letter to Regis. One paragraph caught my eye,

“A highly toxic media environment and sexual harassment in workplaces, streets, and public spaces is a daily reality for women in the United States. Sexual objectification and harassment in the media injures individual women and perpetuates this climate.”

You see the video?

What do you think?

Do women who hold themselves out as sexual beings invite and consent to being touched?

If  yes, do Black men, by virtue of being born Black and Male invite and consent to being touched by police?

My Daddy Ain’t No Feminist

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Saturday I was talking to my daddy and was catching him up on my week. I told him I was reading this awesome book on Billie Holiday, If You Can’t Be Free Be a Mystery by Farah Griffin,  and that I was having a public conversation with another writer, a Black man, about the importance of having a working understanding of gender analysis if one is going to examine race in a meaningful way.

My father responded, well, Renina,  racism, sexism and homophobia are connected.  I sat there speechless. Quiet.

I didn’t expect him to say that.

That the man who raised me says things like this is telling. My dad the retired truck/bus driver.

You see, he went back to take some college courses at Merritt College (a community college in Oakland) in 2005 in his late fifties. At Merritt he took a class on Black studies with Dr. Love and they read Paula Giddings “When and Where I Enter.” In fact, HE read the book before I did.  We are both readers.

The fact that my father said this to me illustrated something that I haven’t been able to put my finger on in terms of my conversation with Ta-Nehisi.

I am not asking Ta-Nehisi to become a feminist, I am merely asking him to show me the same respect that I showed him and his work and read something that I have suggested. Furthermore, looking back, the reason why I picked up Nixonland (which then led me to finally start the book club here) because Ta-Nehisi recommended that I read it when I asked him for a book that would help me to understand the electoral politics of the 60’s and 70’s that would lead us to the dope game fresh era of the 80’s.

Framing the conversation as me asking him to become a feminist is lightweight absurd.
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It reminds of some kinda Black feminist one drop rule. If you read one work, your shit might turn like that press and curled hair in the rain. <<<#turrible aren’t I?

My daddy ain’t no feminist. But having read Paula Giddings book he can say matter of factually that racism, sexism and homophobia are related, and I would imagine if probed we could discuss why.

Side bar. My daddy also read Malcolm’s Autobiography when I was 14, after I read it. It had a pretty profound effect on me, as it tends to, so my dad wanted to know what was going on. He read it too, and it impacted him as well. In fact, as I write this I realize how our journey’s as readers was connected. Because my dad is a working class Black man, I have had the working assumption that working class Black men read. I am learning, that this is false. I am finding that this isn’t the case, especially, as I date.

Friday I ran into a friend of mine, Mr. Fantastic, who is a historian as well and he chatted with me about this conversation I have been having with Ta-Nehisi.  He said something pretty daggumit profound which was, “Who is responsible for telling both sides of the story and why?”  and “Is there more than one side.”  I don’t have an answer, but I am thinking about it. These are the kinds of things that historians say. #Theybekillingme.

Why is the fact that I am suggesting that a text be read  being framed as asking someone to become a feminist or even a gender analysis expert?

Maybe my daddy is a feminist or perhaps an ally? Luls.

Thoughts?

How old were you when you read Malcolm’s Autobiography?