Janie and Tea Cake

A photo he took of me Labor Day Weekend @ Havana’s. This man made me look like Zora. #Tears. #Ummhmm.

I don’t know what to say.

I realized two nights ago that I am grieving the fact that I just walked away from someone who is father material. We are still friends but….it ain’t the same.

I knew something was up with me because I caught myself obsessing over two people that I had no business doing so. Thinking about them from time to time, yes, because you DO be needing to process life events and what not, but the level that I was doing it was way too much.

Then I realized rather than feel my feelings I was thinking of other people. #Allbad.

Feeling vs. Thinking are two different things when it comes to healing. Full stop.

I was reading a book on the subject and it said that, “You start to grieve when you get ready to.”

I have dated, I am #oldladyrap, but this situation was like two ships passing and then when I finally put two and two together I realized that amongst a few things our timing was janky.

As a Black feminist I take parenting seriously. Like really serious. Isn’t it bugged that I have never written about this personal choice before? Well, it’s close to my heart. But nearly everything I write is, luls. Perhaps it is because this is close in another, arguably more profound way. I talk about it with the homies, but I haven’t written about it.

When I write it I make it real.

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The thing about it is blood, everybody ain’t parenting material. I have dated very few other people who I saw as being dad material. In some ways he is the only one seemed to not only desire it but was focused on being good at it. #damngina.

People ask me, especially on dates, where your little bears at? And I tell them that this is a society that needs children in order to survive, but refuses to support mothers, while simultaneously expecting them to perpetually raise new generations. I am cool on those.

If men gave birth there would be cheap and accessible child care on every corner.

How did I get to this point?

The turning point for me about this was over two years ago, Filthy was real clear about how he knows hella organizers whose children don’t talk to them. I was kinda stuck. I had to think real hard about what being #BlackgirlBleekGilliam means to me.

I think this is why I am so fascinated by Lauryn Hill and her choice to leave and raise her babies and peoples reaction TO that choice.

So yeah. I am grieving the loss. And I have to accept it. But daggumit if I don’t want to some days.

You ever think about the choice to parent?

Would you do it over again different?

Why people think Lauryn Hill owe them something?

You all know that I LOVE me some Their Eyes Were Watching God.

A couple of weeks ago, Mark Anthony Neal posted a piece about Tea Cake as an Imagined Black Feminist Manhood.

I like the idea of taking Tea Cake for this purpose. However, I was insistent that Tea Cakes violence be dealt with front and center.

In particular, I took issue with the fact that Neal rephrased the beating as occasional hitting. Which was problematic.

We went back and forth over it,? and he came to see my point about the importance of violence being acknowledged and I acknowledged that Tea Cake represents a possibility, not perfection. But I been on the symbolism of Janie and Tea Cake? since January. TC and J helped me open my heart to Loving and being Loved again.

So, you know the historian in me went back and re-read the passage where Tea Cake beat Janie. I was actually light weight mortified and reaffirmed that I stuck to my guns because of the explicitness regarding his motivations and reaffirmed.? Hurston writes,
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When Mrs. Turners brother came and she brought him over to be introduced, Tea Cake had a brainstrom. Before week was over had whipped Janie. Not because her behavior justified his jealousy, but it relived that awful fear inside him. Being able to whip her reassured him in possession. No brutal beating at all. He just slapped her around a bit to show he was boss. Everybody talked about it the next day in teh fields. It aroused a sort of envy in both men and women. The way he petted and pampered her as if those two or three face slaps had nearly killed her made the women see visions and the helpless way she hung on him made the men see dreams.

“Tea Cake you sho is a lucky man,” Sop-de-Bottom told him. “Uh person can see every place you hit her. Ah bet she never raised her hand tuh hit yuh back, neither. Take some uh dese ol’ rusty black women and dey would fight yuh all night long and next day. Nobody couldn’t tell you ever hit ’em. Dat’s de reasons Ah doe quit beatin’ mah woman. You can’t make no mark on ’em at all. Lawd! Wouldn’t Ah love tuh whip uh tender woman lak Janie! Ah bet she don’t even holler. She jus cries Tea Cake.

Yeah.

What was bugged out was when I re-read it, its like he beat her on general principal.? Like I’m insecure, so let me knock the shit out of you a little bit and let everybody know wassup. #ummp.

Thoughts about Tea Cake and Janie?

Remember when I went from looking for Tea Cake to becoming Janie?

Josephine recently said that she BEYOND becoming Janie, ummhmm.

On Raising Babies and Leaving Lovers

Thinking about Tea Cake + Violence