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On Not Controlling Outcomes

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This post can also be titled, “Dear Mercury, You evil little _____.”

Last week, I told MF Kennedy that things were going fine regarding the end of the semester, but that the hardest part of doing this work for me is the intense stretches of solitude. I went on to say that  I was  still chugging along with my to do list and making it crack off, and was happy with how upbeat I was.

In response, he sent me this video nearly a week ago.

I had not watched it until tonight, at which point I broke down in tears.

Why?

I because I felt read, read all up in my bone gristle.

When Professor Cornel West said:

“It takes more courage to look into the corners of your own soul than it does for a soldier to fight on a battlefield…”

“Courage is the most enabling virtue for any philosopher, for a human being…”

“To philosophize is to learn how to die. You can’t talk about truth without talking about learning how to die….the conditions of truth is to allow suffering to speak.”
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@ 5:53 “There is certain pleasure in the life of the mind that cannot be denied. Its true that you might be socially isolated because you are in the library or working at home…if you read…Ruskin, or Twain or Melville, you almost have to throw the book against the wall because you are so intensely alive that you need a break.”

Read?

Read like how my 96 year old Black woman neighbor read me this summer saying “Honey I can tell you LIKE to believe in the good in people, but some folks want to tear you down just to see you in pain. Now you can admit this or not, but based on my talking to you, you probably won’t because it just don’t seem in you.”

The fact that I knew that they were riding down Broadway in NYC, in the clip, having walked those streets many of times just kinda was like a 1,2 punch. Feel me?

Tears because in a conversation with BG today I was reminded that I don’t control outcomes and as much as I know that with my mind, my heart don’t be knowing it. And as I plan to get my knee taken care of  in January (those miles on the BK bridge did it) it is hard  to have that area of my life unstable when there is another part of me knowing that the stability may be  more comfortable. Holding on or back out of fear has never been a good look for me. So I’m just going to ask for help as it arises, and listen real close to messages.

If I have learned or was reminded of anything this weekend, is that honey, when its time its time and it ain’t shit I can do about it.

Daggumit Mercury. You remind me that I am not the boss of anyone except for myself. ROAR!

You been read lately?

Mercury bring you a message you would have RATHER waited for?

As a writer does the solitude agree with you?

Thinking About Grief & Kanye’s Monster Video Trailer

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This is for the little Basquait or Frida toiling somewhere in South Africa, Brazil or Mississipi. We are ready for you.

I am not certain what to make of this.

Earlier this week, I had a long Twitter conversation with@BritniDwrites about this video clip of Kanye’s new Monster video trailer.

Britni was  seemingly concerned with the presence of the White women models and  she questioned why such a video would be made in the first place. She wanted him to be less “Van Gough” and more “Basquiat.”

I was concerned because the video is dark. Real dark.

There are White women hanging from the ceiling and Kanye hugs and maneuvers White women’s seemingly comatose bodies that are laying in the bed with him in one of the scenes.

Given this countries historical treatment of sexual imagery, and the IDEA of sex between Black men and White women, I don’t know if he is being provocative and attempting to exploit this history or just kinda imploding right before our eyes or a combination therein.

When I watch this video I think of how after Reconstruction (1865 and after) mainstream culture said that Black men wanted White women sexually and responded by terrorizing Black men (Birth of a Nation) and Black communities as a whole by lynching them. The reality is that Black women were being sexually assaulted by both White and Black men, frequently with impunity.

Emmitt Till.

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Bigger Thomas. (Yes, its fiction but it is timeless because of its treatment of gender, race and sexuality.)

Would Kanye make a music video with Black men hanging from the ceiling?

In this video, I see a man in pain. A lot of pain. Trust me, seeing Oakland turn from pretty west coast, mulitiracial, industrial city to the crack hub of the Bay Area, I learned to recognize pain at a young age.

Two years ago I wrote Why People Hate 808’s and Heartbreak and I talked about how in one year Kanye West lost his momma and broke up with his lady friend. I am concerned about him as I am concerned about the mental health of many folks.

A couple of weeks ago writer and mental health advocate Bassey Ikpi wrote about Kanye on The Root saying,

I want to challenge the idea that Kanye is just ego and boasting. When I look at Kanye, when I watch that painful “interview” with Matt Lauer, when I see this man seemingly unravel in front of our eyes and the talking heads poke and prod and needle him for every …  single … misstep … , I don’t see a man with a big head and no redeeming qualities. I see a hurting. I see a man who loved his mother more than his very life and who is still dealing with the loss of the one person whom he knew loved him unconditionally.

As a mental health advocate, I’ve seen people crumble under lesser triggers. Losing your mother and your base and your support is the ultimate trigger. Yes, Kanye brags often about his riches, but I’m willing to bet my own baby boy that he would gladly give that all back just to have his mother for an hour, for a second.

Reading this video within the context of Bassey’s comments and within the context of the United States down right violent reaction to mixed race dating, something is amiss and I am concerned.

Thoughts?

Video gave you the heebee jeebees?

Are There 3 Kinds of Lovers?

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Last night my girl, Green Eyes, said that there are three kinds of lovers:

Givers,

Takers,

and In Betweeners.

I almost choked on my coffee when she told me a story about a dude so selfish that it felt like he was masturbating inside her. #Damn Gina.
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Clearly this post reflects my immersion in Black women’s sexuality narratives during finals.

You agree?

Disagree?

More Categories please?

#PeacetotheGivers. #Pow.

I Forgave Him

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Yesterday I decided to forgive SD.

And voila, he appears and I was given the space to say it in person.

Mercury in retrograde. I see you.

Honestly I wanted to keep the forgiveness to myself. But what good is that?

It was bugged in that when we saw each other he reached out for the greeting hug and I ain’t flinch.

I ain’t been seeing you. We don’t speak. AND you reaching out?

Uh.

No.

I have no problem with breaking social convention in order to preserve my physical autonomy. Who else is going to preserve it for me?

I do NOT do the compulsory hug. Full stop. Don’t touch me without my consent.
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Then he asked, please Renina, can I hug you?

I said yes, and, lets talk blood…

The east coast social circles of Artistic negro people and the folks who support us, are very small. So choosing to hold on to the anger, the hurt, required the kind of investment, that I was no longer willing to make.

It just struck me, walking to the train yesterday, #allcity, let it go.

This man knew I adored him, and he got at my girl on what I believe to be some petty shit. And I was focused on that. However, once I realized that I played a role in creating the conditions for a getting at to take place, forgiving just seemed MORE like the right thing for me to do. I had to hold myself and him responsible for that.

Anger is powerful but #LoveisStronger.

#ummhmm

You forgive anyone lately?

Why it be so hard?

You forgive then wish you could take it back?

Thinking About Jay Electronica & “Choking Women During Sex.”

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I hate them record scratch assed moments when I have to rethink whether or not to deal with an artist. Or whether I will be able to listen to them the same way after I heard them say something bugged out with regard to women, Black people or Black women.

Context. I rode for Jay. Read posts here and Jay Electronica is Basquiat on Wax.

I saw the videos this morning of Jay Electronica surveying his audience during his shows asking whether “All Women Liked to Be Choked” during sex (@00:20 sec).  Please note that in this clip he does say that he “didn’t say that all women liked being choked during sex,  some women do.”

I couldn’t help but think, man listen, here  goes another Clipse-esque “Tree Huggin Ass Bitch ” moment. The context is that I use to be a huge Clipse fan until I realized that they were calling me a “tree hugging ass bitch.” I still bump them from time to time, but it ain’t the same.

With regard to Jay Electronica, the issue isn’t the fact that he is discussing sex that involves erotic asphyxiation, or grabbing or smacking. Get it how you live. Sex on mutually agreed upon terms between two adults is what the streets want.

The issue is that when he asks “Do All Women Like Being Choked” question over and over again at different concerts, along with making statements like “You know what that means there’s a lot of women in Seattle getting choked against they will..[crowd laughter] ”  he is contributing to an environment that renders sexual violence as normal, an environment that already blames women for being sexually assaulted, a sexual ecosystem where 60% of sexual assaults are not reported to police,  a sexual ecosystem where every 2 minutes someone is sexual assaulted.

The issue is the silencing the woman in this video (@3:25 sec ) who tells him “It’s not funny.”  He responds saying “We know its not funny. Relax”  and then commands the crowd to repeat after him. Peace to her for speaking up. She is a #bravebear.

There is a woman who said she no longer felt safe after one of the “Do All Women Like Being Choked” incidences, and left the show.

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Mr.  Fantastic pointed out that Jay mentioned choking women in a freestyle on a mixtape, I haven’t heard it, so  if you have a link, please leave it.

He is also “surveying” here at a performance at the  Hiro ballroom in NYC last July.

@afrolicious and I use Exhibit C’ing as a verb. As in I will Exhibit C you. As in where is that art that you keep talking about producing? Get to it.

Artist have the power to change the world because people listen closely to what that they say, this is why they are influential.

For that reason I listen closely to what artists say.

What do you think of the video?

Isn’t a bet around whether women like to get choked during sex rather odd?

Other thoughts?