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“Choking Women During Sex”: The Life of a Meme.

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Justin Timberlake tug’s on Ciara’s chain in the Love Sexy Magic video.

Various conversations have been generated around Jay Electronica’s comments and $20K bet with Nas on whether “All Women Like Being Choked During Sex.”

Crunktastic wrote a post at Crunkfeminists, “Why Jay Electronica Can Choke on His Own Words.”

Then Latoya cross posted it on Racialicious.

Then Davey D linked to the post on his blog and made an interesting comment.

First he said,

all women deserve respect and maybe you with hold it when u get disrespected.. This aint a situation where folks need to jump through hoops to earn respect per se especially when they haven’t done wrong…

Because there is systemic violence against women all over the world simply because they do have vaginas and hence aren’t considered equal with men, then we should recognize that sort of oppression and counter.. ie there’s a woman in Iran who is getting stoned for some male defined transgression..

The gray text is a good working definition of gender based oppression concisely explained in 34 words. I appreciate Davey D for saying this. Makes my work a bit easier.

On Crunkfeminists, a commenter provides context for why conversations about “non vanilla sex” are important and the writer emphasizes the fine line between choking and non consensual sexual domination.  Commenter MtnTopFeminism writes,

While we do have to challenge ourselves not to have gut reactions against kinky or nonnormative modes of sex, that fact doesn’t get all forms of sex off the hook. It is critical that we engage in discussions that focus on the varying levels of sexuality and how pleasure cannot be restricted to vanilla norms. At the same time, it is also important that while we are open to new expressions of sexuality, we never lose sight of the dangers associated with them.

…Within a BDSM relationship trust becomes the main component. It isn’t just about “I like to get slapped around.” There is much more there. Without that open communication and honest dialogue, many practices, including erotic asphyxiation, are highly dangerous and even deadly. Not only that, but it isn’t just women who like to have such things done to them…a fact which is often ignored. Without discussing the three main tenets of BDSM—safe, sane and consensual—we head toward dangerous territory by merely accepting any discussion on kinky sex at face value.

Latoya cross posted Crunktastic’s post on Racialicious. And peep game. The sister of the woman who was at the concert and spoke up read the post and left a comment. (The internet amplifies offline sound and light, via @afrolicious).

Speaking of @afrolicious she mentioned this in the comment section around having expectations for artists gender politics. She writes,

I learned a long time ago not to trust an image, especially that of a rapper. As much as I want hip hop to respect me as a woman, I don’t get that often, even from the best of the creators. Additionally, I don’t expect progressive gender politics from most people, so to some extent I’m not disappointed.

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It’s not a perfect rationale, but it’s how my filter works.

I hear her rationale,  and it is most certainly useful. I also believe that some statements can’t go unaddressed.

Another comment is from Rob, my colleague and a blogger at the Liberator (peep game here) wrote,

So here’s one of my initial reads: left-of-center hip-hop head blogosphere/twitterverse latched to jay because he’s a throwback to the golden age of conscious, Nation of Islam infused, east coast centric rapper who cares about his craft. However,the other side of all those early 90s dudes coming out of the NoI/NGE tradition is that when talking about women they were paternalists at best, if not outright misogynists. I don’t think anyone from that era escapes indictment.

I know lots of people have already made that connection, but I thought it bares repeating not to excuse what he did, but to historicize the comment and the evolution (or lack thereof) of gender politics in “conscious” hip-hop?

I responded saying,

I hear you on historicizing Jay Elec. However, I wonder if you or anyone would be willing to do the same thing in the face of White racism. What I am getting at is, in the last 24 hours, you are the second Black man to bring up the history out of which a Black man is rooted to contextualize their misogyny, the other time occurred in a conversation about Jim “I chase women out of windows” Brown last night.

I mean…I don’t hear people saying well you know…The Tea Partiers come out of a very particular history…..feel me? While I am not saying that Jay, the Tea Partiers or Jim Brown are analogous..I am certainly thinking of HOW and WHEN we deploy the “lets historicize” for a minute Renina steez. I guess this is me interrogating the historicizing…which is what your comment asked for.

He then explained that historicize is not the same as rationalize. I was relieved and I felt where he was coming from.

Our responses to Jay Electronica’s posts are influencing how I shape my research. I realize this after watching this meme evolve and, especially after a meeting with my professor Wednesday and hearing her tell me that I need to asks questions that give Black women the space to talk about desire, pleasure and danger. She felt that I was letting the interviewee’s off by going into pop culture and not asking them directly about #desire and #pleasure.

In responding to Jay’s comments I have read about women talking about their experiences. This is a positive outcome of this conversation.

Thoughts?

Why does sexual conversation’s send people into rigid randy mode? Hella defensive?

See any good meme’s lately?

Thinking About Grief & Kanye’s Monster Video Trailer

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This is for the little Basquait or Frida toiling somewhere in South Africa, Brazil or Mississipi. We are ready for you.

I am not certain what to make of this.

Earlier this week, I had a long Twitter conversation with@BritniDwrites about this video clip of Kanye’s new Monster video trailer.

Britni was  seemingly concerned with the presence of the White women models and  she questioned why such a video would be made in the first place. She wanted him to be less “Van Gough” and more “Basquiat.”

I was concerned because the video is dark. Real dark.

There are White women hanging from the ceiling and Kanye hugs and maneuvers White women’s seemingly comatose bodies that are laying in the bed with him in one of the scenes.

Given this countries historical treatment of sexual imagery, and the IDEA of sex between Black men and White women, I don’t know if he is being provocative and attempting to exploit this history or just kinda imploding right before our eyes or a combination therein.

When I watch this video I think of how after Reconstruction (1865 and after) mainstream culture said that Black men wanted White women sexually and responded by terrorizing Black men (Birth of a Nation) and Black communities as a whole by lynching them. The reality is that Black women were being sexually assaulted by both White and Black men, frequently with impunity.

Emmitt Till.

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Bigger Thomas. (Yes, its fiction but it is timeless because of its treatment of gender, race and sexuality.)

Would Kanye make a music video with Black men hanging from the ceiling?

In this video, I see a man in pain. A lot of pain. Trust me, seeing Oakland turn from pretty west coast, mulitiracial, industrial city to the crack hub of the Bay Area, I learned to recognize pain at a young age.

Two years ago I wrote Why People Hate 808’s and Heartbreak and I talked about how in one year Kanye West lost his momma and broke up with his lady friend. I am concerned about him as I am concerned about the mental health of many folks.

A couple of weeks ago writer and mental health advocate Bassey Ikpi wrote about Kanye on The Root saying,

I want to challenge the idea that Kanye is just ego and boasting. When I look at Kanye, when I watch that painful “interview” with Matt Lauer, when I see this man seemingly unravel in front of our eyes and the talking heads poke and prod and needle him for every …  single … misstep … , I don’t see a man with a big head and no redeeming qualities. I see a hurting. I see a man who loved his mother more than his very life and who is still dealing with the loss of the one person whom he knew loved him unconditionally.

As a mental health advocate, I’ve seen people crumble under lesser triggers. Losing your mother and your base and your support is the ultimate trigger. Yes, Kanye brags often about his riches, but I’m willing to bet my own baby boy that he would gladly give that all back just to have his mother for an hour, for a second.

Reading this video within the context of Bassey’s comments and within the context of the United States down right violent reaction to mixed race dating, something is amiss and I am concerned.

Thoughts?

Video gave you the heebee jeebees?

Are There 3 Kinds of Lovers?

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Last night my girl, Green Eyes, said that there are three kinds of lovers:

Givers,

Takers,

and In Betweeners.

I almost choked on my coffee when she told me a story about a dude so selfish that it felt like he was masturbating inside her. #Damn Gina.
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Clearly this post reflects my immersion in Black women’s sexuality narratives during finals.

You agree?

Disagree?

More Categories please?

#PeacetotheGivers. #Pow.

I Forgave Him

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Yesterday I decided to forgive SD.

And voila, he appears and I was given the space to say it in person.

Mercury in retrograde. I see you.

Honestly I wanted to keep the forgiveness to myself. But what good is that?

It was bugged in that when we saw each other he reached out for the greeting hug and I ain’t flinch.

I ain’t been seeing you. We don’t speak. AND you reaching out?

Uh.

No.

I have no problem with breaking social convention in order to preserve my physical autonomy. Who else is going to preserve it for me?

I do NOT do the compulsory hug. Full stop. Don’t touch me without my consent.
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Then he asked, please Renina, can I hug you?

I said yes, and, lets talk blood…

The east coast social circles of Artistic negro people and the folks who support us, are very small. So choosing to hold on to the anger, the hurt, required the kind of investment, that I was no longer willing to make.

It just struck me, walking to the train yesterday, #allcity, let it go.

This man knew I adored him, and he got at my girl on what I believe to be some petty shit. And I was focused on that. However, once I realized that I played a role in creating the conditions for a getting at to take place, forgiving just seemed MORE like the right thing for me to do. I had to hold myself and him responsible for that.

Anger is powerful but #LoveisStronger.

#ummhmm

You forgive anyone lately?

Why it be so hard?

You forgive then wish you could take it back?

Thinking About Jay Electronica & “Choking Women During Sex.”

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I hate them record scratch assed moments when I have to rethink whether or not to deal with an artist. Or whether I will be able to listen to them the same way after I heard them say something bugged out with regard to women, Black people or Black women.

Context. I rode for Jay. Read posts here and Jay Electronica is Basquiat on Wax.

I saw the videos this morning of Jay Electronica surveying his audience during his shows asking whether “All Women Liked to Be Choked” during sex (@00:20 sec).  Please note that in this clip he does say that he “didn’t say that all women liked being choked during sex,  some women do.”

I couldn’t help but think, man listen, here  goes another Clipse-esque “Tree Huggin Ass Bitch ” moment. The context is that I use to be a huge Clipse fan until I realized that they were calling me a “tree hugging ass bitch.” I still bump them from time to time, but it ain’t the same.

With regard to Jay Electronica, the issue isn’t the fact that he is discussing sex that involves erotic asphyxiation, or grabbing or smacking. Get it how you live. Sex on mutually agreed upon terms between two adults is what the streets want.

The issue is that when he asks “Do All Women Like Being Choked” question over and over again at different concerts, along with making statements like “You know what that means there’s a lot of women in Seattle getting choked against they will..[crowd laughter] ”  he is contributing to an environment that renders sexual violence as normal, an environment that already blames women for being sexually assaulted, a sexual ecosystem where 60% of sexual assaults are not reported to police,  a sexual ecosystem where every 2 minutes someone is sexual assaulted.

The issue is the silencing the woman in this video (@3:25 sec ) who tells him “It’s not funny.”  He responds saying “We know its not funny. Relax”  and then commands the crowd to repeat after him. Peace to her for speaking up. She is a #bravebear.

There is a woman who said she no longer felt safe after one of the “Do All Women Like Being Choked” incidences, and left the show.

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Mr.  Fantastic pointed out that Jay mentioned choking women in a freestyle on a mixtape, I haven’t heard it, so  if you have a link, please leave it.

He is also “surveying” here at a performance at the  Hiro ballroom in NYC last July.

@afrolicious and I use Exhibit C’ing as a verb. As in I will Exhibit C you. As in where is that art that you keep talking about producing? Get to it.

Artist have the power to change the world because people listen closely to what that they say, this is why they are influential.

For that reason I listen closely to what artists say.

What do you think of the video?

Isn’t a bet around whether women like to get choked during sex rather odd?

Other thoughts?