I was riding through Ohio the other day on a road trip toMichigan.
Filthy was looking for NPR when we settled on the Michael
Baisden show. I was intrigued because the show was about
whether a woman, a wife, has the right to “Go on Strike”and
hold out on sex from her husband. Seeing as my research
interests are women and sexuality, I was intrigued about the
possibilities that the discussion presented.
So, I am listening to the show, and at 6:40 Baisden says to a caller, “If you were
my woman, not feeling like it is not a reason to give me some.” Word?
At 7:53 Baisden says, “If you are not in the mood, just lay there and take it.”
[Laughter].
The woman caller says that if she doesn’t feel like it she isn’t doing it.
Then Baisden’s co-host says, “Your feelings are obselete, your feelings don’t
matter for 30 minutes.” [Laughter].
Record scratch.
I understand that withholding sex from your partner is a very serious
matter and typically indicative of other issues going on in the relationship.
However, “You should just lay there and take it” is a very serious line of
thought and action for Black women for many reasons.
Think about it this way.
We are raped at a higher rate than all other women in the United States.
We are murdered at a higher rate than all other women in the United States.
We are beat by our intimate partners at a higher rate than all other women
in the United States.
According to study conducted by the Department of Justice, African
American women:
- …were victimized by intimate partners a significantly higher rates than persons of any other race between 1993 and 1998. Black females experienced intimate partner violence at a rate 35% higher than that of white females, and about 22 times the rate of women of other races. Black males experienced intimate partner violence at a rate about 62% higher than that of white males and about 22 times the rate of men of other races.
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According to the study published by the Africana Voices Against Violence, Tufts University:
- The number one killer of African-American women ages 15 to 34 is homicide at the hands of a current or former intimate partner.
- In a study of African-American sexual assault survivors, only 17% reported the assault to police.
I was waiting for Baisden to insert some kind of disclaimer, and
say, “Ya’ll know I am just playing, I don’t want you all to call here
cursing me out”, but he didn’t.
Baisden’s comments got me to thinking. I am currently in the
middle of writing a review to Steve Harvey’s “Act Like A Lady,
Date Like a Man” and I couldn’t help but think
about about how the Black male talk show hosts are just as
patriarchal as some of the rappers.
Really what is the difference between Snoop saying “Bitches
Ain’t Shit But Ho’s and Tricks” and “Just lie there and take It?”
Granted the show mellowed out a bit when Baisden brought
on a therapist, Dr. Gail Saltz who specializes in relationships
and sex, but the statement had already been made.
Baisdens comments are also interesting because,
in the United States, it has historically been permissible for
a husband to have non consensual sex with his wife.
We had no legal standing to refuse to have sex with our husbands.
The courts position was that getting married meant a lifetime
of permanent consent. This meant that a wife could not be raped.
So you mean to tell me we have rappers, blogs and talk
show host’s trashing us? I’m cool on those.
My contention is that every time you visit a site, play a tape,
listen to a show, you are voting.
Why vote for a man who thinks that non consensual sex with your husband
is okay or that you should just lie there and take it, is okay?
Why do we passively accept Baisden’s actions?
What does a healthy Black Female sexuality look like if we
are just lying there and taking it?
Who is he getting money with?