Girl. Where do I even began.
I love you how Sula loved Nel. In fact teaching Sula for all of these years has helped me to better understand our friendship. Time.
Especially seeing that you have been there for every major break up I have ever had in my life. Morrison’s Sula made our friendship make even more sense.
I think about you every day. I oscillate between wishing you were here and being grateful that you don’t have to navigate this piece of shit assed world.
Often times I just settle on the fact that God saw to it that I was fit to be your friend through so many cross country moves, so many apartments, so many holidays, so many summer plans and so much advice. So much advice. Time.
Do you know that you are the only person in the world who could tell me the truth and I would never second guess it?
In part it is because you held pregnant pauses where most people rambled. You remembered everything.
I remember when I was deciding whether or not to leave my ex and I asked you, “All things aside, give me your advice on whether I should stay or go. Tell me the truth but don’t be mean to me.” You said “You are either going to have to develop thicker skin or be okay with being miserable because you both get mad at one another and speak terribly to one another. It does not look like he is going to stop.” I will never forget hearing that information from you.
There is no one else in my life who could have said that to me without me swinging on them. There is also no one else in my life that I would have even trusted enough to ask that question. I knew that I could ask you and I knew that you would never weaponize it against me. A once in a lifetime friendship.
After you said that I knew I needed to leave and I did.
I went to Brooklyn in March and I sat in Moes and thought about you. Someone said “you talk about her like your partner died.” Honestly the way you know me. It does feel that way at times. Everyone thought you were fantastic. People adopted me because I was missing you. I was in mourning. (Ft. Greene look atrocious by the way.)
Remember that time we were there during Afropunk and you told me we have to go and I didn’t even question you? I just finished my beverage and left. YOU KNEW that the person sitting next to you was getting ready to start something with me, and East Oakland don’t play. I didn’t question you. I just paid and left. We just dipped. Hood rules. I never second guessed your judgment.
But it was not just the way that you knew me. I knew you. I knew that you always asked for your salmon to be cooked hard at Sharaku which made my eyes roll.
I knew that you would always over plan on vacations. Queen of doing too much because you had to squeeze every activity in. Then you would turn around be tired after having had a vacation.
I knew that your treat after a bad day is that white mocha at Starbucks and fries from McDonalds or Wendy’s.
I knew that you missed your grandmother tremendously.
I knew that you loved all of the work that the Girl Trek ladies were doing because they focused on community and health. I knew
I don’t even dare give myself a pity party because I think it is an affront to God. How many Black women even get to know someone like you? I can’t even bring myself to spend the Chipotle card you sent me in the “girl get your degree” care package you sent me in 2020.
A positive patty. Always down to help. To work. To listen. Painfully empathic.
Who loves Black women in this world? In word and deed? Very few people especially when it comes to not valuing us BASED on what we do for others.
Who loves us simply because we believe we have a right to exist in this world?
I think that the thing that we both admired about one another is that we both had immense courage in a world that simply was not kind to us. We made a way out of no way. We were happy when people understood us and took it on the chin when they didn’t because we had each other.
Here is the thing about you. You were weird. Proudly weird. One of my nick names for you is Black girl Daria. Because Daria was weird, precocious and nerdy with these over sized glasses but she knew who she was on the world.
In fact, the newest Netflix version of the Adams family focuses on Wednesday and she is dead pan, aggressively dark humored, done with this world and, dedicated to building her own internal universes- just like you.
I will never forget when you told me you had four degrees. FOUR. A JD and an MFA. You was going to write the contracts and make the movies? BOFFEM? You did. You did. Why do Black women go to school so much? Because we like rainbow wigs, good food and we like to help the children in our family. We know what it is like to be smol and need help. We don’t believe in pulling up the ladder after we got on. We believe in mitigating the horror.
It was a gift to simply observe your light.
We was girls together. Happy Birthday Marquette Jones.
I cannot believe I have to live in this world without you.
Love,
Renina
A version of this letter will appear in my forthcoming book “Black Girls Are From the Future vl II.” Available for preorder here.
I am also fundraising for my sabbatical here.
Thank you for reading and supporting me.
The holidays are thick Ya’ll. Take good care of yourselves.
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Are you missing anyone this holiday season?
What do you think makes a good friend?
What do you think is the most remarkable aspect of friendship?