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On Desire and Being #VulnerableyFearless

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In the name of all things vulnerableyfearless.

Last night I ran into SD.

I was just posted up by myself, my Jeffersonian date ended early and last night was my Friday because I am going to be working through this weekend. Normally when I go out I either meet up with folks or run into folks and we just post up anyways. But last night I was just on my dolo and enjoying the end of the Wizards game and in he walks. I look but don’t speak. Why?

Because we ain’t speaking.

But peep game, he then says to me, “I don’t know if we are talking or not but can we talk about it? We see each other all the time.” Side eye, because on one level, I was just getting ready to leave, on another level, this needed to happen.

So, I think about it, and say, “I am thinking about it.”

He says that he wants to be able to buy me a drink and just be on speaking terms. I am like, ummp, I have to think about and reflect on that because the last time I spoke to you I found you to be manipulative.

Basically, I forgive him in December for some other past ‘ish, here is the post about that.

When he was forgiven he then turned around and got at me hard. “Where you been? You look good, you seeing anyone? Can I call you? Whatchu doing for Christmas and New Years? I miss you.” I was like #damnGina. Really. All up in the video. (peace to JJ.) I ain’t seen you in like nearly three months and you trying to get in my bone gristle. #UmmOkay.

On top of that I am getting little text messages Sunday and Monday, “can I text message you?, you out at this party, I think I just saw you.”

I was like nah, negro, I am at home grading papers. #Luls. I am not gonna front, it felt good be sweated.

The following week I flirted back and he was like nah, this isn’t a good idea, and I was like, what the hell is wrong with you, you don’t treat human beings like this. I am a human being, not an object. He thought it was cool, I was like, I am getting off this ride. Deuces, good luck because it didn’t have to be this way.

So last night we spoke. About it all.

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I took Mr. New Life showing up to mean that I should hear SD out, that people have stories to tell. So I decided to talk to him and he ordered a round and we chatted.

I stated that I felt that he was being manipulative when he came at me hard and then switched it up. He felt that he wasn’t because he had simply just changed how he was relating to women and honestly seeing me reminded him of an alternate and new path that he sees himself on. #hmmmp. The validity of this is between him and his Jesus, however I also know that I am a catalyst so I am not surprised by this in some ways.

I went on to say that I was seeing someone, Miami, intensely last month. While we were out once Miami asked me, “How is dating for you here?” I was like well, I have these intense busy periods, and then pretty steady work load with teaching, writing and classes. So there is a time constraint, except over break. I am funny, emotive and a #blackgirlfromthefuture, so it don’t really BE hard to find someone to kick it with. The hard thing is finding someone to do multiple things with. Like go to the museum AND the watch the Colts game AND to a Nikki Giovanni reading and to a Black feminist talk/art show jawn and watch the fight. Feel me?

I also shared that I recently learned three things about myself. First, that I speak with my eyes, and that while I try to choose my words carefully and deliberately, I also now need to do the same with my eyes. Second I am an energy conduit, I move information along as a writer. That I give it how I get it, so I need to be mindful of how and when I interact with people. #mirror.

So he apologized and I said thank you and that I appreciated him taking the initiative so say something. And then I was blunt and said, “If you want to be on speaking terms, how are you going to deal with your desire?”

He was like whaaaaaah? You mean my desire for you, and I was like yeah negro, that. Because it doesn’t go away. It stays in the cut.

I then went on to say, honey, I am an energy conduit, and I know now that people can SEE when I have a connection with another person. It’s visible. There is in fact chemistry between us, and you have been ambivalent about your desire, and it is most certainly there and it comes out sideways. #umNo. #imgrown. And trust, I keep my finger on the pulse of my desire and I typically follow it, because its one of the ways I allow myself to remain vulnerable while also pushing that fearlessness. Its also one of the ways that I remember that I don’t control outcomes. Sidebar: Desire had me on 10pm Bolt buses to Brooklyn this summer getting in at 2am, and returning back home on Monday at 6am to go to work. #ummhmm. Then I said, “I am cool with the desire, I can manage it, I am not so sure about you.”

So he ask’s “So I can’t flirt with you?” I respond, “Do you.” #deadass. I also said “and understand that there are consequences to that, that I give how I get, that you are dealing with a human being and not a lamp.” Undealt with desire comes out sideways, especially when it ain’t acknowledged.

Then I said, “So lets do this, you think about how you are going to deal with your desire, and I will pray on what my next right step is.”

#Ummhmm.

Ain’t forgiveness a lot of work?

Why people just be showing up when it be time to have a conversation?

Isn’t it awesome when men or women rethink how they treat women. I like that.

I Forgave Him

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Yesterday I decided to forgive SD.

And voila, he appears and I was given the space to say it in person.

Mercury in retrograde. I see you.

Honestly I wanted to keep the forgiveness to myself. But what good is that?

It was bugged in that when we saw each other he reached out for the greeting hug and I ain’t flinch.

I ain’t been seeing you. We don’t speak. AND you reaching out?

Uh.

No.

I have no problem with breaking social convention in order to preserve my physical autonomy. Who else is going to preserve it for me?

I do NOT do the compulsory hug. Full stop. Don’t touch me without my consent.
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Then he asked, please Renina, can I hug you?

I said yes, and, lets talk blood…

The east coast social circles of Artistic negro people and the folks who support us, are very small. So choosing to hold on to the anger, the hurt, required the kind of investment, that I was no longer willing to make.

It just struck me, walking to the train yesterday, #allcity, let it go.

This man knew I adored him, and he got at my girl on what I believe to be some petty shit. And I was focused on that. However, once I realized that I played a role in creating the conditions for a getting at to take place, forgiving just seemed MORE like the right thing for me to do. I had to hold myself and him responsible for that.

Anger is powerful but #LoveisStronger.

#ummhmm

You forgive anyone lately?

Why it be so hard?

You forgive then wish you could take it back?

How Adrienne Rich Helped Me Forgive My Ex.

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My ex contacted me a month ago. For many of my long time readers, ya’ll know that I had a torrid affair with Filthy. When you are? a#blackgirlfromthefuture and you ride with your partner, thirteen hours, while being sick, to meet and kick it with his family who is White, that’s Love on both ends.

Well, he contacted me via email a month ago taumbout congratulations on completing your first year of grad school.

We ain’t spoke since last year when the relationship ended. So, I was like ummmmm….why is the first point of contact an email? However, I found out from a mutual friend that he was considering calling but he hesitated.

The petty part of me was like the fuck?

The adult part of me was like, well, he doing what he could do at the time, I should go ahead and just let him live.

Last Sunday, looking for an earring underneath my dresser, I found a book,? “On Lies, Secrets, and Silence” by Adrienne Rich, that he gave me last August. I guess it fell back there when I moved. He didn’t give me books. He let me hold them, all the time. But his books were his books, and I get that as a scholar. You be needing to go back to your copy to refer to notes in margins and what not and to clarify quotes.

In finding and re-reading this book I realized that I could not be tight with him over our recent communications. Reading this book and understanding that that he gave it to me. This man Loved me. In fact, I think he gave me the copy that he got from a garage sell.? A first edition copy. #ummhmm. #Love.

There are three sections that really get at why this book is special to me.

The first is:

Responsibility to yourself means refusing to let others do your thinking, talking and naming for you; it means learning to respect and use your own brains and instincts; hence grappling, with hard work….It means insisting that those to whom you give your friendship and love are able to respect your mind. ~from Claiming an Education

The second is:

Women and men do not receive an equal education because outside of the classroom women are not perceived as sovereign beings but as prey…. the capacity to think independently, to take intellectual risks, to assert ourselves mentally is inseparable from our physical way of being in the world, our feelings of personal integrity. If it is dangerous for me to walk home late of an evening from the library because I am a woman and I can be raped then, how self possessed, how exuberant can I feel as I sit and work at the library? How much of my working energy is drained by by the subliminal knowledge that as a woman, I test my physical right to exist every time I go out alone. ~from Taking Women Students Seriously

This line killed it for me, “because outside of the classroom women are not perceived as sovereign beings but as prey.”

The third? is:
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I think of myself as a teacher of language: that is, as someone for whom language has implied freedom, who is trying to aide others in freeing themselves through the written word, and above all through learning to write it for themselves. I cannot know what it is they need to free, or what words they need to write; I can only try with them to get an approximation of the story that they want to tell. ~from Teaching Language in Open Admissions

“I cannot know what it is they need to free” #ummhmm. Her pedagogy weighs a ton.

Rereading this book, I realized that I was tripping because the communication didn’t happen the way that I preferred.

HA! Thats life.

More than anything, this book helped me to make sense of this last year of school, of my process of claiming my education and my voice in the classroom, on THIS blog and publicly, in real time on Twitter.

How can I be tight with a person who helped me do that? #Ummhmm.

When its time for us to chat we will. Until then. God bless him. Change me. #ummhmm.

Besides resentment and Love can’t live in the same heart, and if? I’m tight with him I am impacting my ability to see new Love awesomeness on the horizon.

I felt vulnerable writing this. But I posted it anyways.

#wingsup.

You forgive anyone lately?

Why or why not?

You know Adrienne Rich’s work?