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Thank you for Moya and Jessica.

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For the last two years. Moya and Jessica have taken my calls, given me advice, listened to me while I was in tears and wanted to drop out.

Listened to me deal with breaking up with Filthy, listened to me deal with what it means to be a graduate student in a Research 1 University.

They are both hella busy.

Both dissertating. Both have jobs, family and Love bears of their own, yet they have taken the time to help me.

I am grateful, because they always challenge and support me.

Furthermore, they never play hide the ball on some “I ain’t gonna help her because she might get a job or fellowship I want” and they know #Blackgirlsarefromthefuture.
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You know how you call someone and say  “Hey, How do I go about finding a summer lecturing job doing the cold call” and you never hear back from them? Well, last week, I asked them both that question and they both answered quickly, with thorough assed answers.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you two have shown me what Love looks like while being Black womenin an academic space.

You don’t have to do what you do and I appreciate the fact, that, not only do you do it. But you do it consistently.

#Youareappreciated.

Love,

Renina.

Keep That Thang Clean…

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I woke up with clarity this morning.

You know THAT post that I wrote last week, well, I ran into him again. I wasn’t even suppose to be out Friday.

I passed on going to see the free Bilal show. Up early at a fundraiser brunch at 8:30 am, taught at 1pm, the day was long.  I was tired, but I needed to go meet up with my homie Green Eyes and once I got out I just kinda stayed.

I was pressed and normally I dance, pray, or eat something good and lay it down when I feel like that. #nothtebestCompany. #WhenThingsbeonmybyrd.

Green Eyes bounced, then in SD walks, but I don’t see him initially, he was behind me. Then he and his peoples leaves.

Five minutes later, I am figuring out my next move and he returns to “speak.” I chat with him.

If I wasn’t so distracted by the things on my byrd,  I would have said, Aye blood, why you speak now, but you ain’t before?  But I knew what it was, desire is coming out side ways. That shit is young to me. We grown, be vulnerable or bounce. Where in the heck is #aquemini. Lol.

Then he prepared to leave.

Can I get a hug?
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Uh. No.

A kiss on the cheek?

Uh. No.

A pound?

Nah Blood, I’m cool on all that.

He can desire a touch, but you ain’t in touch with yo’ desire. #comeonSon.

See, I been waiting for more info and I woke up with it this morning, and rather then go back to sleep, I felt hella rested and decided to get into my day at 5:15am. I had a HELLLLA work today today. I might be on my 15th hour. (It feels good to write though) and I got a lot accomplished.

So yeah, those actions are not to be tolerated and I am going to have to shut it down. If you give some negros an inch, they want the whole #City.

Black Poets + Writers, Born to Stay Broke?

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Langston Hughes x Underpaid Poets x DJ Kool Herc’s Hospital Bills.

There are a few things going through my head, clearly.

The first is, a couple of weeks ago, poet and professor Thomas Sayers Ellis took the cardboard cut out of Langston Hughes from Busboys arguing that it was disrespectful and that the poets are not properly compensated for the work that they do. The owner of Busboys responded, then the poets responded back with a letter.

The second is that a couple of weeks ago as well, DJ Kool Herc was hospitalized, and unable to pay his medical bills. Several rappers, along with writer and homie Jeff Chang, went on the internet and twitter to fundraise to cover the cost of his expenses. Apparently even Russel Simmons got involved.

The third is a few weeks ago, my homie Simone,  wrote a post in the Couch Sessions that questioned the validity of a Jewish photographer, Mike Schreiber, presenting his book about Hip Hop at a Jewish Community Center, in Chocolate City. While I did find her tone to to be overly snarky in tone at times, there was some interesting dialogue generated and she made insightful points about the implications of the spaces we choose to host hip hop affiliated events.

The questions that she raised triggered a conversation around “who does hip hop culture belong to.” This is worth while as I think that rap music and hip hop culture has gone global, it is easy to forget that the music was created in response to the conditions of the lives of some Caribbean, African-American and Latino kids in the South Bronx.

In fact, I often think of how low income Black and Latino kids are in an interesting position in NYC. They live in one of the richest cities of the world, and produce fashion, language and music that is then taken by corporations and resold back to them and globally as well, all mostly without compensation. I get this analysis from Philippe Bourgois’s “In Search of Respect, Selling Crack in El Barrio.”

Lastly, another thing that I am thinking about is how last week a commenter left a message on my blog that my blog is a public service, and that I deserve to get paid for it, because public servants get paid. I thought this was interesting. I have been thinking about what he/she said, and what it means for a reader to tell a writer that they should be earning money based on what they do. #SociallyRelevantAds?

So I have 9 questions.

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Is it possible for people who benefit from from an exploitive system, a system premised on getting the most out of everything while paying the least possible, to turn around and critique that same system?

How much should the Busboys and Poets poets be compensated in order for the compensation system to be fair and equitable?

Do DC poets need a Union?

Do rappers need a Union?

Would Kool Herc or the Busboys poets be in the position they are in if they had a union?

Do the writers at Huffington Post, which just got acquired by AOL need a union?

Why is a model where the majority of the writers are unpaid sustainable?

Should I expect to get paid for my blog, if yes, how would that change my audience and voice?

You know what, I just wrote a post about the political economy of Black Poetry and Hip Hop. #boom.

How Oakland Brought Me #Aquemini

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On Saturday, I met #Aquemini.

I was posted up, waiting for someone, doing me. He then spoke, and asked if I was a professor. I had just come from writing the midterm and reading so I had a bag of books next to my chair. I responded no, I am a teacher. I asked him if he taught, he said, yes, once. He was a substitute teacher in East Oakland and he was just getting ready to talk shit about the Town and I said, “Baby, I’m from there.”

He responded, “Oh, really.” Yeah, Oakland.

I gave him another look, my undivided attention and said, “When is your birthday.” He stated, “June 11th.” I was like shit.

You are #Aquemini. It sounds really creepy as I write it, but I have been really deliberate about having a Gemini or Aquarius in my life.

I have been so specific about #Aqeumini that A dub walked over and said hello, and I introduced her to him and said girl, he is #aquemini, and she raised her eyebrows like word. Word.

I ask people their birthday’s before their names. Why? I am being purposeful.

So we conversate. Marinate. All that.

He apparently saw me before. And spoke last summer. I asked if I was nice. Sometimes I shut it down. He said yeah, “You were nice, but it was clear that I were reading your book and didn’t want to be bothered.” That DO be the case sometimes and I am entitled to that. Time and place for everything, no?

He is currently and anti war lobbyist, adorable and White honey. Like Kevin Costner eye crinkles and everything. As I contemplate the politics of puttering around on that interracial in DC. Man listen.

Black girls pay a social cost when they date someone other then Black men. Because I walk like I have a right to be in the city, the threat of violence is always there. Our current sex/gender system says that women are not entitled to be in public, let alone claim the right to occupy city space publicly. Domination is maintained through violence and the threat of violence.

Ah, but the synchronicity of the night.
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So, first there is the Oakland connection. Then some how he brings up Ta-Nehisi’s blog. And I say #ummp.

He says, the man has awesome prose. And I respond saying, well he does, however I had a really public conversation with Ta-Nehisi last fall when he asked whether or not For Colored Girls was a classic at a White publication in front of a largely White audience, even though he hadn’t read the book since he was a teenager. #Ummp.

I went on to say that Ta-Nehisi didn’t respond well to being challenged intellectually around his gender politics, and I am referring to his willingness to read a Black feminist text to broaden his analysis, and that I found this unwillingness to be problematic.

He was like, what “That was you” and kinda put his hand over his mouth like “Oh Shit.”  I answered yes. Now see, this is surreal because I am not use to my work preceding me.

Further it speaks to importance of remembering that your words go places that YOU don’t go.

Lastly he has done work in South Africa around the Truth and Reconciliation Commission. You and I both know I Love me some TRC’s. So. Um. Yeah.

I can’t call it.

Oh. And I don’t think we exchanged info. #Extra. So Yeah. #Aquemini. Holler @cha girl. You know where to find me @2:26 sec.

#BoomandPow

#VulnerableyFearless

Can you believe that East Oakland ‘ish?

Peace to the Gemini’s.

On Desire and Being #VulnerableyFearless

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In the name of all things vulnerableyfearless.

Last night I ran into SD.

I was just posted up by myself, my Jeffersonian date ended early and last night was my Friday because I am going to be working through this weekend. Normally when I go out I either meet up with folks or run into folks and we just post up anyways. But last night I was just on my dolo and enjoying the end of the Wizards game and in he walks. I look but don’t speak. Why?

Because we ain’t speaking.

But peep game, he then says to me, “I don’t know if we are talking or not but can we talk about it? We see each other all the time.” Side eye, because on one level, I was just getting ready to leave, on another level, this needed to happen.

So, I think about it, and say, “I am thinking about it.”

He says that he wants to be able to buy me a drink and just be on speaking terms. I am like, ummp, I have to think about and reflect on that because the last time I spoke to you I found you to be manipulative.

Basically, I forgive him in December for some other past ‘ish, here is the post about that.

When he was forgiven he then turned around and got at me hard. “Where you been? You look good, you seeing anyone? Can I call you? Whatchu doing for Christmas and New Years? I miss you.” I was like #damnGina. Really. All up in the video. (peace to JJ.) I ain’t seen you in like nearly three months and you trying to get in my bone gristle. #UmmOkay.

On top of that I am getting little text messages Sunday and Monday, “can I text message you?, you out at this party, I think I just saw you.”

I was like nah, negro, I am at home grading papers. #Luls. I am not gonna front, it felt good be sweated.

The following week I flirted back and he was like nah, this isn’t a good idea, and I was like, what the hell is wrong with you, you don’t treat human beings like this. I am a human being, not an object. He thought it was cool, I was like, I am getting off this ride. Deuces, good luck because it didn’t have to be this way.

So last night we spoke. About it all.

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I took Mr. New Life showing up to mean that I should hear SD out, that people have stories to tell. So I decided to talk to him and he ordered a round and we chatted.

I stated that I felt that he was being manipulative when he came at me hard and then switched it up. He felt that he wasn’t because he had simply just changed how he was relating to women and honestly seeing me reminded him of an alternate and new path that he sees himself on. #hmmmp. The validity of this is between him and his Jesus, however I also know that I am a catalyst so I am not surprised by this in some ways.

I went on to say that I was seeing someone, Miami, intensely last month. While we were out once Miami asked me, “How is dating for you here?” I was like well, I have these intense busy periods, and then pretty steady work load with teaching, writing and classes. So there is a time constraint, except over break. I am funny, emotive and a #blackgirlfromthefuture, so it don’t really BE hard to find someone to kick it with. The hard thing is finding someone to do multiple things with. Like go to the museum AND the watch the Colts game AND to a Nikki Giovanni reading and to a Black feminist talk/art show jawn and watch the fight. Feel me?

I also shared that I recently learned three things about myself. First, that I speak with my eyes, and that while I try to choose my words carefully and deliberately, I also now need to do the same with my eyes. Second I am an energy conduit, I move information along as a writer. That I give it how I get it, so I need to be mindful of how and when I interact with people. #mirror.

So he apologized and I said thank you and that I appreciated him taking the initiative so say something. And then I was blunt and said, “If you want to be on speaking terms, how are you going to deal with your desire?”

He was like whaaaaaah? You mean my desire for you, and I was like yeah negro, that. Because it doesn’t go away. It stays in the cut.

I then went on to say, honey, I am an energy conduit, and I know now that people can SEE when I have a connection with another person. It’s visible. There is in fact chemistry between us, and you have been ambivalent about your desire, and it is most certainly there and it comes out sideways. #umNo. #imgrown. And trust, I keep my finger on the pulse of my desire and I typically follow it, because its one of the ways I allow myself to remain vulnerable while also pushing that fearlessness. Its also one of the ways that I remember that I don’t control outcomes. Sidebar: Desire had me on 10pm Bolt buses to Brooklyn this summer getting in at 2am, and returning back home on Monday at 6am to go to work. #ummhmm. Then I said, “I am cool with the desire, I can manage it, I am not so sure about you.”

So he ask’s “So I can’t flirt with you?” I respond, “Do you.” #deadass. I also said “and understand that there are consequences to that, that I give how I get, that you are dealing with a human being and not a lamp.” Undealt with desire comes out sideways, especially when it ain’t acknowledged.

Then I said, “So lets do this, you think about how you are going to deal with your desire, and I will pray on what my next right step is.”

#Ummhmm.

Ain’t forgiveness a lot of work?

Why people just be showing up when it be time to have a conversation?

Isn’t it awesome when men or women rethink how they treat women. I like that.