In the name of all things vulnerable and fearless.
The other night I had dinner with a friend.
I am glad I followed my intuition and reach out to him
because as soon as he sat down he told me that his mom
had recently passed and apologized for not sharing it sooner.
I am glad that he shared. I had to go home and finish grading 19 final exams essays and calculate grades, which was an enormous amount of work but him saying that put it into perspective. He seems to be holding up well. He has a broad social support system, and I didn’t really know what to say, so I listened.
Then I suggested that he find a therapist and he agreed. Loss be hard to deal with and some people never recover. Human beings are fragile.
He asked me how my life was going and I was saying that I trying to grind it out, was focused on lining up summer 2011 work and trying to be mindful of my heart and desires.
He was like “you are forward with people just like that, you just tell them you like them” I was like yeah, and he asked me to teach him. I was like honey, I know that I have to say what I have to say and the outcome is not mine. It’s as simple as that. I really just try and pray through things.
With this in the back of my mind I had an experience last night.
Last night, I ran into SD and flirted, and he commenced to treating me like a these overtures were unwanted nor desired. Peep game though, dude was conveying the exact opposite last week.
Record scratch.
I mean honestly blood, there was one point last week where I had to give him a “saved hug” because he was a ‘lil too close to me, hand in the small of my back, ‘taumbout “I miss you“. Along with asking me, “Are you seeing anyone?” “Can I call you?” #ummp.
So, I asked him to reconcile the discrepancy, and I stood there and waited.
He explained saying that he simply felt different, that the social circles are small. I walked away saying “It didn’t have to be like this.”
That shit is sloppy.
JJ said something profound when I ran this by her which is that he doesn’t seem to know what he wants, yet, needs to know that he has an in with you, that he knows where he stands.
Absurd, but the facts match her theory.
Last week, Courtbear my dating coach told me “#allcity, if you do this, its going to be bumpy.” I was like I am not *doing* anything. I just don’t want to cringe when I walk into a room, the circles we travel in are small.
I guess I am just trying to find the balance. Its the libra in me. I try to be firm and honest.
However, neither my Love nor my forgiveness is thin. My heart don’t pump kool-aid.
So I feel the need to commit to what I said I was going to do and forgive. But damn if I ain’t feel manipulated. I got a big assed resentment over that shit blood.
I will admit that I played a role in being a recipient to the messages.
It’s like I already had evidence of sloppiness, stayed away and did my thing, waved the peace flag, only to get more sloppiness. I feel like I should have known better. I will forgive myself, have a soft heart and assert my humanity when I feel it’s not being respected.
When I call him Mc Sloppy in my head, I smile. #turrible. But it is what it is.
At the end of the day, we are both human beings. Full stop.
Speaking of manipulation, one of the little bears wrote on their final that when desire isn’t dealt with it comes out as manipulation.
Manipulation is a tool of control. Two of the ways human beings attempt to manipulate is by not sharing information, and by not stating their intentions.
This reminds of how once I heard a hustla say that there are three kind of people in the world who are dangerous:
- Someone who doesn’t know what s/he wants.
- Someone who is jealous of you.
- Someone with no fear of going to the Pen.
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People who don’t know what they want are dangerous because they spend time fiddling with yo’ heart or perhaps even your friendship, while the are figuring out which drawls to wear. #Icant. I ain’t no object.
#Blackgirlsarefromthefuture and if you can’t treat me like you understand that then you need to stay the fuck out my face. Full stop.
To be said another way. Treat people like they human or leave them alone.
Today, I saw Lady Metta who said, you know what men are fragile. And I get what she meant. We live in a society that doesn’t allow boys the space to feel. How are they going to be able to relate to other people? How are they going to be human in this context?
I responded, humans are fragile.
*After I wrote this post, Lady Metta read it and and sent me a poem Alice Walker sent to Aung San Suu Kyi titled “Loving Humans.” #Tears. Imma go ahead and forgive him. He don’t have no act right, but I have a code, and I will stick to it. Wow. This is a moment of transformation. Who knew?
Why people be testing your forgiveness?
Why people be sloppy?
Why people need to know if they have an *in*? Shit. Ego. Duh.
#LoveisStronger.