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2 Train Wisdom

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Last Tuesday, I ran into a homie, Simone, on the 2 train.
She is in BK now, but she is from Oakland, and we both know
common people.

We are cool, but not tight. This is important to note because
of the significance of what she went on to say to me.

I know Simone to be real down to earth and honest. We were chatting,
catching up on school and babies, then we turned to relationships. When
I last saw her in August, she said “M.dot, if you want a baby and
a partner, pray for both, because I prayed for a baby, and I love
my child but I didn’t pray for and I don’t have a partner to help
me raise her.” I then gave her my relationship rundown.

Simone: You asked for God to take him out your life
and bring him back when he was ready.
Me: Yes.
Simone: Then you got what you asked for.
Me: What about what happened in the meantime?
Simone: It’s none of your business.
Me: I also asked God to take him out my life and fill in the
hole.
Simone: Did God do that?
Me: Actually yes. I was able to get things done, I had company,
I was able to shift my recovery into high gear. But, I ain’t feeling this.
He lied.All I have is my word, and when you have very little money, your
word is all you have with people. I didn’t treat him like that.
Simone: He is not you. That is great that YOU are like that but
other people come to you the way that they are. Besides people
have to be given the space to tell the truth.
Me: Your right. I can be an idealist who expects people to deal
with things the way that I do. (Her statement about people being
given the space to tell the truth resonated with me because of my
gender politics and how I feel that many Black men who are gay, and choose
not to share that they are, do so because they are not given the space
to be honest with their lovers or families.)

I then mentioned that Filthy [Birk] had been coasting early our
relationship. He was checking for me, but not treating me like the
one that he “he won’t let get away.” She stopped me.
DEAD IN MY TRACKS.
“If he was coasting, then it was on you to mind your
business. If that means dealing with other people or
being exclusive, that was and is YOUR choice.” Part of
me wanted to squinch up my face and stomp and scream.
But she was right. It was my choice to be involved, be half
involved or simply to walk away.

She left me no room to be a victim. While I didn’t like the fact
that she was saying it to me at the time, I will forever love
her for it. Remember the victimhood post? Yes, well,
acknowledging how my choices brought me to my
current situation has helped me remained focused on
what God has for me, and not reacting to what another
person says or does.

Between this conversation, and thinking and reflecting on
what the healthiest choice for me was, I had decided to
leave the door cracked for Filthy to demonstrate how
love is an action, how love is work, courage or both.
I don’t take this decision lightly. I was once engaged and I
came to conclusion after that relationship ended that it
mattered less to me how much baggage a person had,
and that it mattered more whether the person had the willingness
to do the work to deal with the past and recover from it. I
realized that this was a great theory to have, now was the
opportunity to practice it. (Sometimes, yo odio when theory
meets practice.)

Then I received an e-mail yesterday from the woman that he
had a borderless relationship with. When I checked
my inbox and saw the e-mail, I just looked up like, okay God,
you have messages for me today, I see. She called me and we had a
conversation and I realize that in some ways I was in a borderless
relationship as well. I learned that they hooked up in June and August.
I was tight. However, the past is that past and there ain’t shit that I
can do about that today.

I wasn’t sure what her intentions were in calling me.
The stated reason was to “share some things” that
she might have thought that I wanted to know.
I was lightweight suspect because I called her in Aug ’08, in
response to an event invitation she sent. She was throwing an event
for Filthy and I wanted to surprise him with red velvet cupcakes.
I called her identifying myself as his girlfriend, stating that I wanted
to bring cupcakes and the shit hit the fan. ED is order cialis on line a sexual disorder whereby a man is not able achieving them. The only difference is that Kamagra Jelly buying levitra from canada is in liquid form and hence is popular amongst elderly men also. viagra for sale The breast augmentation is also done. Jacobson also treats situations for instance hypothyroidism, adrenal dysfunction, fatigue, and is often a nationwide skilled on circulation and vein cheap cialis no prescription disease. Apparently I was the only
one that got the girlfriend memo. Ouch. Rather than call me back
she called him. (After this, Filthy and I went on to have a
conversation about relationship titles, etc.) That being said, who
knows what questions could have been asked and answered
then, but that wasn’t Gods plan, right? Right.

This is important to me because sometimes we don’t make
phone calls or ask questions because the answer may
mean that we have to change our path and walk away,
or stop our behavior all together.

For instance, I have a homie, Hot Momma Leo, and a few years ago,
I introduced her to a guy I was interested in. The three of us were having
drinks at a bar. A few days later she told me they mashed. I was
like WHEN? I just introduced you to him, and I told you I was
checking for him. She claimed that she didn’t know, which
was ridiculous to me at the time. Assuming that she didn’t
know, why didn’t she ask? When he went to the bathroom,
all she had to say was, “Aye, is that you?” Done. Simple. Easy.
What eventually came out, is that if she asked, she
might hear no. So rather than hear no, she didn’t ask, so that
she could continue doing she wanted to do.

I still maintain my commitment to leaving the door cracked. Armed
with more information, I have my eyes wide open, and I have a strong
faith that if there is anything else that needs to be revealed to me, it will be.
Having parents with addictive behavior has forced me to understand
both the power of forgiveness and the importance of understanding
that I cannot control others. I can only decide to be in a situation
or remove myself from it.

For now, I remain open to what young Filthy has to say.

For a long time, my father disappointed me, and it took him
15 years to get his shit together, deal with his addiction, recovery
and become a consistent presence in my life again. This doesn’t
mean that because my dad struggled I make myself some dudes
doormat, but it does mean that we all need to be given space and
forgiveness if we are to address the past harms we have done to
others in life.

I have a tendency to beat myself up when I make a mistake.
It is a perfectionist tendency and a natural consequence of my
childhood. This of course is really problematic
because as humans we all make mistakes. Our mistakes remind us
that we are human. I see this as an opportunity to practice both
aknowledging my humanity and someone elses as well.

Filthy says he is a changed man. The future will confirm whether that
is the truth. I sit back, not reacting, letting life unfold. Can I tell you
how amazing that feels?

It also helps that I just learned that I am a finalist for one
of the graduate school programs I applied to. (So far, 1 Rejection,
1 Finalist.) Now I just need a writing gig that will let me afford
a membership at the Country Club Gym. Big {TEEF} Smile.

You forgiven anyone lately or decide enough is enough?

What stops you from asking questions that you know you need
the answers to?

Why is it so much easier to hold on to being angry than it is
to look for a solution?

Addicted to Being A Victim

by

I love Yellow Tulips

The market is full of a number of different medicines that claim to have anti erectile dysfunction qualities. cute-n-tiny.com buy viagra where In this blog we discuss some surprising http://cute-n-tiny.com/page/32/ purchase levitra. 1)Beware the counterfeits Due to its immense popularity and success levitra is one of the most counterfeited drugs in the world. So accept and explore this medicament to avail a cute-n-tiny.com generic viagra relief and relaxed health condition and mostly an easy breath for a healthy feeling. These groups have patches and insignias to show membership and often ride to the rallies together or generic levitra from canada cute-n-tiny.com meet up when they arrive. In the midst of all of the bumpiness of January ’09, I learned
that I was addicted to being a victim. Well, I knew it, but I
actually said it out loud to people, each of whom laughed, because
I think I shocked them with my willingness to admit it. The first time
I said it, Tracey Rose was at my house two Saturdays ago, I was
preparing to move. In the middle of sorting through big
shoe box number one, and big shoe box number two I said:

m.dot: TR, I think I am addicted to being a victim.
TR: Shit, YOU actually know you are?
m.dot: Yes, of course. Wait you did too?
TR: Yes, I was trying to figure out how to tell you.
m.dot: You can’t “tell” nobody no shit like that. That’s like telling me I am a junkie. What? You were doing to have a victim intervention. [We laughed]. I know it, and it is time that I do something about it.
TR: That’s what Recovery is about. Every situation we find ourselves in we are accountable for it. Everyone one. We made these situations.
m.dot: That’s the realest shit I heard today.

Then I had a conversation with Birkhold.

m.dot: Yo, I think I am addicted to being a victim.
B: Wait, you know? [Lets out a loud assed noise].
m.dot: Of course I know, I just don’t like going around saying it.
B: Ain’t that something. I didn’t know you knew.
m.dot: Why is everyone surprised that I know? [Winces.]

Then finally I had one with my dad.

m.dot: Hi Daddy, I learned something about myself this week.
Daddy: What is that? m.dot: I am addicted to being a victim.
Daddy: Laughter.
m.dot: Why do people laugh when I say that? Big {Teef} Smile.

Ironically, this all came about sitting watching the inauguration
with Birkhold. He made is commitment feelings, along with other
thangs, known and as I was sorting through it watching Michelle
and President Obama dance and I called Jonezy. As I told her what
was going on, she listened then said, “You noticed you are focusing
on the negative, right?” I had never thought about that. And I realized
that was my second victim/negative thinking flag.

The Saturday before the inauguration, I had spoken in front of a
group and I mentioned how because of my parents battles with addiction,
historically I have had a chip on my shoulder. That chip helped me
in some ways because it reminded me of where I came from, what
I had achieved, and what I was striving for. On the other hand, as I have
gotten older, that chip on my shoulder has prevented me from asking
for help when I needed it.

Upon hearing speak about ‘The Chip”, Birkhold made a connection
between my difficulty with asking for what I need and identifying as
a victim. He went on to say that you can’t be a victim if you are walking
away. Which is crazy true. In order TO BE a victim you have to sit
somewhere for someone to abuse you. This floored me, because
it was true.

It goes like this, if I don’t ask for what I need, then I WILL NOT
RECEIVE it, and if I don’t receive it I can stay mad at the world.
Pretty convenient, eh?

I was further reminded of this when my friend Honest Love who
invited me to his wedding responded to one sentence in an
e-mail that I written about needing to recover from some
childhood things. He did not know about my victimhood revelation
but this is that he said to me,

Please know that you are not your wounds and they are not you. Many victims are overwhelmed by their wounds to the point that they embrace their victimhood as their identity and there usually is a time of re-gathering when this needed. I see the choice person that Deanna [his fiance] is, even as she is healing from her broken emotional limbs and emerges from her emotional coma. I hope you can see the difference between you and your wounds. I sense the beauty of who you are; I pray that you can.

Our minds and hearts have amazing interim devices they use to remove us from our hurts until we’re ready to heal from them. This is both normal and common. When questioning one’s responses, especially when challenged to “just get past it,” ask would not a person be abnormal who didn’t go to these defenses until healing advanced?

I was stunned at receiving this because he zeroed right in
on what I was dealing with at the time.

In some ways I felt like, historically, I had a right to have a chip on my shoulder.
My rationale was, I did what I was told to do, I went to school, now
where is the life that I was told I would have. I NOW UNDERSTAND
that being able to go to school, amazing schools, student
centered schools, was a miracle in and of it self.

I now understand that my job is to make a contribution and
someways posts like these are apart of that job.
At the end of the day victimhood is the easy way out. Victims don’t
have to act, they can simply whine about things that others
have done to them.

Many of us know people in our lives like this.
Coworkers, parents, siblings, the list goes on and on.

On this blog I have written extensively about agency,
and about how victims can be perpetrators.

In some ways I was trying to work out how we can get in
our own way in life. Why do you all think I ride so hard for
every person being and Agent, and Actor, not an (inanimate)
Object that is acted upon.

That being said, here is to eliminating victim thinking in our lives
in 2009!

Any victim thinking in your life?
Know anyone who stays complaining about what their boss,
their mother, their whatever did to them?
How do you deal with it?

Ms. Black Feminist Goes to the Country Club

by

I have a bad left knee. I moved earlier this week, and I didn’t want
my knee to look like a cauliflower, so I decided to use a gym pass that
I had been saving for a rainy day.

I figured that a little yoga and a little steam room would help
old lefty feel better.

The gym facility was beautiful. A summer camp for adults in the
form of a gym.

This morning I was in the locker room, with affluent, older white
women to my left and to my right and I don’t remember the last time
I felt so conscious of how Black I was. The browness of my skin.
The non blondess of my hair.

I couldn’t help but catch glances of other women’s bodies, the
cellulite, thighs, muscles, amazing six packs and I began to think
of my own self consciousness around being about 7 or 8 pounds
lighter than my normal weight. When I get stressed out, I stop eating.

The last two months things have been stressful, but they are
getting back to normal, thank God. I noticed several things on
my country club field trip. The first thing is that initially I felt
uncomfortable. I received slow glances from some
of the staff. Then the longer I was there, and moved about the
facility, I felt less like their glances mattered and I felt more like a member.

I also noticed the presence of entire families. During the week
in downtown Brooklyn and Manhattan it is common to see Spanish,
Caribbean and African American women with white children, on the train, on
the street in the parks. Today, it was such a sight to see so many white
men playing an active caregiving role with their children. It dawned
on me that affluent white folks take their children to the gym with them.
I began to think about the message that it sends to young people.
I also thought about African American women, and our unwillingness
to exercise because we do not want water ANYWHERE near our
hair and the impact that this has on our health.

Finally, I was refreshed. Mascara check. Blush Check. Hat titled to the side
30 degrees, check. I prepared to leave. As I started walking out of the
facility I noticed a group of Black men in the lobby. There was a hum
in the room. My thought was “Oh there are some Cauuuties, ok, girls
look alive.” Then I thought to myself, hmm, why is there a high school
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gazed at a 6 ft 7 tall drink of water, he gazed back at me, and then
I saw the purple and gold warm up suits. I realized that it
was The Lakers.

A wave of adrenaline rushed through me.

I immediately and inconspicuously started looking for Kobe,
who I noticed was on the low, wearing a hood. I walked to
the coat check lady and said “Nikki, do you see who just walked in?”

So many things rushed through my head. I thought of the power
dynamic between athletes and the women they are attracted to.
I thought about what it must feel like to be a woman who receives
attention from a person who is catered to and revered by so many
people. As the player walked past me, me with my duffel bag, lap top
bag and Shiny Black Girl handbag, it was electric. I was myself and
still getting the eye.

I felt simultaneously like a groupie, feminist, sociologist and a writer.
I thought of Kobe’s rape case and the emotional terrain
involved with hanging out and having sex with a professional
athlete. In our society, women are raised to think that “landing”
someone with Hollywood credentials is the ultimate success.
I thought about what it feels like to be a powerful man in a culture
that simultaneously resents you for your wealth and respects you
for your athletic ability. No one talks about the power dynamics
involved in dating such a person. I thought of how historically
women who have been (allegedly) being raped by athletes and
famous men in general are typically blamed for the (alleged) rape
in the court of popular opinion.

Mike Tyson. R.Kelly. Kobe Bryant. Mystikal. 2Pac.

It is one thing to run into Hollywood folks out in the street, and something
completly different to encounter an entire basketball team comprised
mostly of Black men in a gym. Especially if it makes both me and the
team members the only Black non staff folk in the room.

Ms. Black feminist goes to the country club, gets a lesson, in class,
race, affluence and power.

Oh, and my knee feels better.

Have you felt your ethnicity, hard, recently?

Athletes, women and power, any thoughts?

Vibrate Higher

by


A dear friend sent me an e-mail this morning, inviting me
to his wedding and also commenting on my situation with Filthy.

I’m telling you this for a couple reasons. First, as my friend, I wanted to share this good news and my feelings with you. I hope you have some sense of how much I want this woman in my life and what I’m willing to do to create the most happiness that I can for her. Secondly, as my friend, I want you to have this understanding because I hope that you’ll accept no less for yourself.

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it really resonated with me, especially since I was playing “She Lives
in My Lap” at the time.

I am moving this week, so I just removed my cd’s from under my bed,
and popped Andre in. I haven’t seen my cd’s in 8 months and I miss them.
They are my old friends. The D.O.C, Al Green and Fiona all are getting
bumped today.

I have learned a lot about myself in this last week.
Things that I don’t think I would have been prepared to
learn or address had I not been been for the love turbulence.
I’m grateful.

Have you learned anything about yourself recently?

About

by

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