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I Just Wanna Be Your Friend and Not Ya’ Man. ~Big Pooh

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This time last week I was a complete puddle.

Thursday before last, SJ decided to finalize the
status and make us just friends. I was devastated,
not because it happened, but how it happened.
At the time there was no room for discussion.

It was just ended. In my head I thought I could
lose the relationship, I just didn’t want to lose my friend.

At the end of something, its easy to look around
you and see reminders of the person everywhere.
You know how you walk past
certain streets or stores, and you think about
a person? That is exactly what happened to me
last Friday.

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spirit wasn’t right and that I needed all the extra help
that I could get.

I passed the corner where I spoke to SJ after my
first temp interview, then I saw the bank where I deposited
my first temp check. Over there was the corner where
I called him and ranted about the OTHER Black girl that
was trying to hate on me to the investment bankers.
There was the Staples where I made copies of
Michael Datcher’s book and sent them to him.

Everywhere I turned there was a reminder…. to be cont….

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What did you do to get yourself out of your last slump?

How long did it last?


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Everything I’m Not Made me Everything I Am….

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During Puddle Friday ’08, I called one
oldest homies, Mean Sexy. She brought
it straight to my dome.

She said, “listen, you failed, school didn’t work out
the way you expected, and regardless of whether this
man is in your life or not, YOU have to choose what you
want.

I was like “ouch”.

She continued “Listen, I just failed my drivers test,
and I failed my Ph.D test. But guess what. Thats life.
People fail sh-t. I will take them both again.
Honestly, I don’t feel like you have been living
 in the present. I had a ball and came away thinking I would truly be an immense resource to these young women and viagra generika http://secretworldchronicle.com/about/author-larry-dixon/ they could learn so much from aerobics. PDE-5 is cheapest brand cialis an enzyme that dampens the effect of the latter. Pain is felt in the facial purchase sildenafil online muscles and the reaction completely depends on the flow of blood in the penile organ expand to allow more blood flow to the sexual organ. Apart from consuming herbal generic levitra from canada pills for internal treatment for early discharge, low semen volume and erectile dysfunction. You spend your free time and holidays flying
back and forth. If you want to move to Dallas, move. If you
want to stay, stay. If you want to be in transition, do that. But
choose something and move forward.”

Truth be told, I didn’t want to hear ANY of that sh-t.

But, one thing that I know for sure, old school
homies EARN the right to say the sh-t to you that
you don’t want to hear.

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Are you okay with telling your friends
 things that they don’t want to hear?

Why or why not? Have you done it recently?

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Last Night a B-Boy Saved My Life

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On the evening of Puddle Friday ’08, I got home and
there was a card waiting
for me, that SJ had sent on Wednesday, clearly before
he had made up his mind.

I took it as a sign, and sent him two cards.

I also did other things that I had been thinking about
but hadn’t gotten around to.

I ordered two new LSAT’s, to check out how the exam is looking know.
I got some information on Berkeley’s Public Policy Masters program.
I wrote a page of non-fiction about my mother and me.
I joined Glide.
I called my homie B who is in Seattle snowboarding, to see if I could
come up and visit him. He has been trying to get me to do that sh-t since
forever.
I e-mailed an elementary school principal and offered to help out his
their Saturday school.
I started bumping that new Clipse and Jay Electronica non-stop.

Listening to Jay Elec, he was right in the gristle with me
matching my intensity.

I didn’t feel alone.

Peep the lyrics to Departure. Listen here.

As the tears welled up in my eyes, my momma said son what happen?
Sometimes I can’t breath because theres so much crap man
I called on God but he don’t call back man
I fight to stay sane while the devils laughin’

Last night I was across the tracks
Smoking on stank, sipping on drank
with Freddy and Black Teddy, just playing a crap game
when Brian came flying up the block like Batman
 ***Breathes, Huf, Huf….Minnie Got Killed, his wig got peel’t in the Callie-0
By some 10th ward n-ggas that we barely know
I said hole up, wooh, wooh, wooh, you must be joking, but he wasn’t laughing
thats when Freddy passed out in the grass and
thats when his mother came outside and said where’s Minne?
I looked down at the ground and said I don’t know where he’s at m’am

Lump in my throat, I just lost my best friend
Connecticut Minnie with the East Coast accent
And to top it off, my older cousin Mookie
got caught with some yellow cap vials of crank man
It’s time for me to leave home, ‘ma thats that man,
It ain’t much there left for me to see as a Black Man

Imma spread my wings and pursue this rap thing
Kiss my baby sister and tell her I’ll be back man
Im on I-10 Eastbound to Manhattan
Yes-sir thats rap land
A one way ticket, a trunk of clothes
I spent my last 25 cent on Pac Man
Mr. Bus Driver set me free, Just take me to New York and let me be,

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When was the last time you used music
 to get yourself through a rough spot?

What did you listen to? What song do reflexively you skip in the ipod?

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Heaven Only Knows: Waking Up with a…..Song in My Head

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I woke up last Saturday with Heaven Only Knows spinning
in my head. So I turned on i-tunes, and put it on repeat.
All I could think was how the lyrics nailed that painful
conversation from the preceding Thursday and I was floored.

Last night was the worst night
Beginning of the end Or maybe it began before
and here we go again
Things got so dramatic
Things got out of hand
We said words we couldn’t imagined I don’t understand

There you go with the same old thing
When things go wrong you always seem to blame me
Now I would like to find what secrets hide in your mind
Where the end will go Will I ever know
~Heaven Only Knows (c) John Legend.

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I then decided to send SJ another note.
Next, I put on that lovely dress sheer dress I just bought.
Went out with mom’s, bought some some new headphones.
(Somehow the old ones got killed during January’s martini
marathon).

Besides, I have been ‘noid about being on public transportation
with white ear buds. I was an ipod early adopter, so I have never
been shook about wearing them. But now that
everybody and they momma know that the white
ear buds=ipod, I was reluctant to wear them on the bus,
as I am not trying to get jacked by some young buck who is looking
to cop cell phone bill money.

Getting hip hop back felt so good.

Jay’s song, Departure, is so vivid that
I can envision the piece being acted out on stage as one
of Danny Hoch’s Hip Hop theater pieces.
Listening to it, I came to the conclusion
that the next piece I am going to write is a fictitious account
of a confrontation that my mother has with my sister- in a
hospital room. Intense right?

There is nothing like good music to help you keep your focus.

Do you remember the I can’t listen to Nas post, well, I think this
post is the the book end.

So he and I have been writing to each other.

Out of all of this I was most surprised by my resilience.
I thought that because I was a puddle on Friday, I would continue
to be one, but that wasn’t the case.

When I talk to him SJ now, I must
say there is a clear appreciation for the other person that
hasn’t been present in our conversations in a long time.

What will happen, in the long run, Heaven Only Knows.

*Whop is indigenous Oakland slang used to illustrate the
convenience of able to do one or more things at once.
“Man, I could have downloaded the new Jay-Z and Ye-ye all
in one whop, if I had more drive space”.

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I am trying to trust my instinct and
not be too rash on this one.

How do you quiet to noise so that you
can hear your gut speaking?

When was the last time you didn’t listen
to your gut, and paid for it in the long run?

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2.15.08 – I Wonder What Bill Clinton is Thinking?

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Didn’t it FEEL like Bill Clinton was running for President
for a hot minute?

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I have been blogging for a couple of years now.

One of the things that I have learned is that
it is so much more enjoyable when there is
a media event or issue that arises that get
folks to thinking and talking about what he
discuss here all the time.

Power.

Education.

Hip Hop.

The first time I saw it was with the Imus event.

The second time I saw it was with the Will Okun
articles.

With an Clinton/Obama nomination upon us,
issues such as gender and race, which would
normally be at the periphery of a mainstream
conversations are out front and center.

Take the above video.

And now, peep the following.

Kareem and Common look bugged out.
Who thought to put them next to each other?

It’s a little too warm and fuzzy or me.

Not warm and fuzzy bad, but warm and fuzzy
and *politically underdeveloped. I just finished readingThe Trap: Selling Out to Stay Afloat in Winner Take All America
by Daniel Brook.

I can’t tell you the last time I read a book in two days,
but please believe I am a changed person because of it.

I don’t even want to start with a half-a*sed review now
because, I need to digest some of the things that
he talks about, so that I can present them to you all
clearly. But, trust. My bird has been blown back by this dude.

Wait, let me say this. From reading this book,
I have figured out that the Baby
mommas and the Lawyer mommas have in common
and what I need to do to get them to see that. I have
a renewed sense of insight and clarity.

Long live election year blogging.
* courtesy of Birkhold.

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Do you care about who wins?

Or do you just want the troops to come home?

Or do you just want your tax rebate and
new episodes of Lost?

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