Nothing like vintage Pam Grier to set off a post about sexual politics.
I was just thinking that for a blog about hip hop real estate and sex, I sure am skimpy on the latter. Consider this post an effort to address that wrong.
Last months article in Essence magazine about women that date their pastors stood out to me. I have allways been interested in how the relationship women have, or don’t have, with their fathers, affects how they select men to date.
The article pointed out why a woman is interested in dating her pastor. It said that the church is,
“… the one place in this country where the often demonized and disillusioned Black man can still reign supreme. Add to that the fact that the leader who occupies the Big Chair is usually charismatic, articulate, charming and emotive, and you have a presence that?s near-irresistible.
For some sisters, the pastor is nothing short of a messenger sent by God to deliver the heavenly hope and healing that too often elude us in our earthly existence.”
“It’s not unusual for women to become attracted to a pastor who is counseling them simply because they are receiving validation from him,? he observes. That attention is something they wish they were getting from their husbands or the men in their lives?”
I wager that something bigger is going on here. Women and men for that matter like the rush of going after something that they, perceivably cannot have.
- The Bad Boy. Can’t have him, his first love is his baby momma or the streets or both.
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- The Married Cat. Can’t have him. He’s married.
- The Nice Guy. Can’t have him. He’s too nice. And we all know that if he is nice, then there is something wrong with him.
In NYC, I have witnessed an interesting phenomenom. A woman will date your man. Not in the conventional sense, but in the soft sense.
For example, BBC was messing with this woman, “mean witch”, who openly referred to her male friend as “work husband”, I kid you not. Now a grown @ssed woman should NOT be referring to ANOTHER WOMANS HUSBAND as her “work husband”. It’s tacky, disrespectful and not very pro woman. Here is a woman, dating BBC, and talking about her “work husband”. Clearly they did not work out. But what part of the game is a work husband? You know we travel in language here.
Calling A MAN your work husband is pretty loaded language. Women will date him, right under your nose. For instance,
- They will invite your man to their work christmas party.
- They will try and go on vacation with your man b/c he is her “best friend”.
- They will try and have long assed conversations with him when the three of you are out.
- They will never bring around their s.o’s or potential s.o’s out of a desire to never have the shoe on the other foot.
- They will not necessarily be attracted to, or want your s.o., but they will enjoy the attention that HE gives her. That becomes a slippery slope because you don’t want your s.o. looking are your homie side ways.
Now granted yall, I am possessive. But I am also reasonable. Depending on the dynamic between my s.o. and another woman, I ain’t gon’ trip. We all grown. But let me feel like she ain’t respecting. Please believe it. Because the dynamic between said woman and my s.o. will be rendered null and void and the behavior will be addressed with the quickness. I have learned the hardway about keeping quiet about ‘ish.
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Apparently the porn industry is mad segregated. Women are encouraged to and it is considered permissable, to be freaky, wild for the night, to rock with men, to rock with women, and pretty much anyone else inbetween.
However, when a DUDE, does the same thing, he gets boycotted by certain folks in the porn industry.
Here is the article from the Village Voice.
Below I have pasted and excerpt,
When women f-ck men and women, or do gang bangs, bukkakes, and other “non-traditional” acts on film, they’re usually applauded as super-sluts. They are encouraged to push their limits, do freaky things, indulge their wild child. But men are held to a different standard. There are no such rewards for fucking outside the box.
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The double standard lives. Who knew that I would pick the hottest day of the summer to sit down and espouse sexual politics. Perhaps it IS the weather. How are you all keeping cool. I just walk really slow. I drink lots of Vitamin Water, and I continue to eat tacos.
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1. Pam was banging! her body is the type i aspire to…crazy!
2. the whole dating thing. i’ve been w/ beloved for over 3 years now. he’s a flirt, had a few female friends but his jamaican ego couldn’t handle me having a bunch of male friends. eventually you grow, you talk about things, you see where you stand. we’ve grown. and i am possessive. sharing is NOT an option, especially now. not to turn this into a whole nother topic…but there is a whole group of women who swoop in and try to take your man while he’s locked down. crazy right? i’ve seen near fights break out at the island between baby mommas & other women trying to see the same dude on the same day. i told beloved not to get any bright ideas. he has told me the same. sharing is selfish when it comes to your man/woman. did i make any sense? lol
3. double standards. i think we, as a society, do not find the male body as beautiful as the female form. we celebrate womens bodies, we paint them, turn them into art, make songs about them…poems. only women (and gaya men) feel this connection to the male body, and not even to the same degree. you don’t see other straight men talking about how beautiful so and so is…how nice his hair looks, his eyes. we women can say that another woman is beautiful, love her eyes, her lips, and not be perceived as gay because we appreciate her beauty. i think until we move away from trying to box people in…there will always be that double standard.
with that said…i don’t like watching 2 dudes kiss…lol i don’t care if you’re gay, i just don’t want to sit around watching it (esp a whole porn flick lol) so i guess i’m also buying into the double standard.
oh…
re preachers: as the granddaughter of a baptist minister, i’ve been in church my whole life. been to enough revivals to last forever, and i’ve whitnessed the power of the preacher. i’ve seen how women fall all over themselves to cook a visiting preacher a meal, make themselves a little too available. i’ve always said that the black pastor/preacher is the first MC. he commands the crowd and hold their attention right up there with the best emcees. and we all love a dope wordsmith. they make you believe.
but there is a whole group of women who swoop in and try to take your man while he’s locked down. crazy right? i’ve seen near fights break out at the island between baby mommas & other women trying to see the same dude on the same day.
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Sounds cinematic! For trill.
sharing is selfish when it comes to your man/woman. did i make any sense?
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It depends on the couple.
However, ultmatly it comes down to the friend. If I sense their intent is respectful and cool, I can ride with that. If I sense that that ‘ish is disrespectful, I will restore the BALANCE to the force.
i’ve always said that the black pastor/preacher is the first MC. he commands the crowd and hold their attention right up there with the best emcees. and we all love a dope wordsmith. they make you believe.
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Girl, that sounds like your thesis right there.
See this is why I write. Right CHEEERE!
Beunos dias, Cali, NY, Harlem, Queens, Florida, Canada…and errr body inbetween:)
funny, i’ve always thought about writing a paper about it. just never had a reason. perhaps one day i’ll get around to it, if somebody else doesn’t jack my idea…lol.
Ain’t nobody ‘gon jack it.
You should write it and pitch it to Essence/Vibe/Vixen.
perhaps…
THink about it TPW.
The old heads only talk about how differnt hip hop is from they shit.
You would be doing the exact opposite, which is pointing out, in a constructive way, how shit is realted.
It would be dope for Mass Appeal, Trace XXL or Fader, for that matter.