Back to the My Life Album


I was suppose to go to Dallas this weekend.

I called SJ last Wednesday.

The ticket was purchased during the post
break up “lets see” era.

I asked him if I could still come. He replied
neutrally, “ummmm, don’t know if you want to do that.
I would love to see you but, it just may not be…”

I told one of my homies I wanted to go.

M.dot: I want to go to Dallas.
Homie: Ok. Why?
M.dot
: I want to say goodbye in person.

Homie: Hmmp. I can see that. But….
M.dot
: But what?

Homie: Its natural to want to do that. What do you
expect to get out of it?

M.dot
: I want to see him and say good bye in person. But…

Homie: yeah…
M.dot: He prolly gonna make me mad, and we will fight and I
will end up at the airport early.
Homie: Ok….
M.dot
: Whhhhhhhhhhhat?!?^&?& ***Gets irritated. Say it!
Homie: Don’t you think by going to the epicenter
of the pain
you may hurt yourself further?
M.dot: Yeah. You have a point.

Sunday evening I caught it. I was good until about 6pm.
It was warm all day. About 62 degrees and sunny.

My momma stopped by the Whole Foods
to kick it with me. I thought she was gonna clown me
about how boogie it was, but she didn’t. She liked my hat.

Around 7pm, walking home, after I blogged, I just felt
unshakably blue.
Upon reflection, I should have posted this last night.

I mean I had quite a weekend. I got my stuff out of storage.
Old clothes can be like old friends. Snug and comfortable.

I saw dig dug. Mis favorito, even though those Gemini’s in him
drive me nuts.

And I learned that Filthy is coming to visit Cali, he got people
in The Bay.

Then at 7pm, it was like the sadness socked me in the grill.
I missed him. I missed my friend.
Not because I wanted to talk to him per se, but because so many
things happened this weekend that, in the past, it would
have been so natural to share.

Spiritual things, transformative things. In a way, Sunday night was
about accepting that they won’t be shared, at least not the
way they were before puddle Friday.

In a lot of ways, I imagine that the conversation
that I had with myself last night is the same one
that cats have when they are about to serve a bid.

Hold ya head.
Even if your in pain, its temporary.
It’s uncomfortable, but it will pass.
This isn’t harder than anything else you have done before. (~gotty)

Erykah’s joint couldn’t hold me down anymore,
I had to take it back to the My Life album.

And I’m good better now.

Everything I’m Not Made me Everything I Am….

During Puddle Friday ’08, I called one
oldest homies, Mean Sexy. She brought
it straight to my dome.

She said, “listen, you failed, school didn’t work out
the way you expected, and regardless of whether this
man is in your life or not, YOU have to choose what you
want.

I was like “ouch”.

She continued “Listen, I just failed my drivers test,
and I failed my Ph.D test. But guess what. Thats life.
People fail sh-t. I will take them both again.
Honestly, I don’t feel like you have been living
in the present. You spend your free time and holidays flying
back and forth. If you want to move to Dallas, move. If you
want to stay, stay. If you want to be in transition, do that. But
choose something and move forward.”

Truth be told, I didn’t want to hear ANY of that sh-t.

But, one thing that I know for sure, old school
homies
EARN the right to say the sh-t to you that
you don’t want to hear
.

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Are you okay with telling your friends
things that they don’t want to hear?

Why or why not? Have you done it recently?

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Last Night a B-Boy Saved My Life



On the evening of Puddle Friday ’08, I got home and
there was a card waiting
for me, that SJ had sent on Wednesday, clearly before
he had made up his mind.

I took it as a sign, and sent him two cards.

I also did other things that I had been thinking about
but hadn’t gotten around to.

I ordered two new LSAT’s, to check out how the exam is looking know.
I got some information on Berkeley’s Public Policy Masters program.
I wrote a page of non-fiction about my mother and me.
I joined Glide.
I called my homie B who is in Seattle snowboarding, to see if I could
come up and visit him. He has been trying to get me to do that sh-t since
forever.
I e-mailed an elementary school principal and offered to help out his
their Saturday school.
I started bumping that new Clipse and Jay Electronica non-stop.

Listening to Jay Elec, he was right in the gristle with me
matching my intensity.

I didn’t feel alone.

Peep the lyrics to Departure. Listen here.

As the tears welled up in my eyes, my momma said son what happen?
Sometimes I can’t breath because theres so much crap man
I called on God but he don’t call back man
I fight to stay sane while the devils laughin’

Last night I was across the tracks
Smoking on stank, sipping on drank
with Freddy and Black Teddy, just playing a crap game
when Brian came flying up the block like Batman
***Breathes, Huf, Huf….Minnie Got Killed, his wig got peel’t in the Callie-0
By some 10th ward n-ggas that we barely know

I said hole up, wooh, wooh, wooh, you must be joking, but he wasn’t laughing
thats when Freddy passed out in the grass and
thats when his mother came outside and said where’s Minne?
I looked down at the ground and said I don’t know where he’s at m’am

Lump in my throat, I just lost my best friend
Connecticut Minnie with the East Coast accent

And to top it off, my older cousin Mookie
got caught with some
yellow cap vials of crank man
It’s time for me to leave home, ‘ma thats that man,
It ain’t much there left for me to see as a Black Man

Imma spread my wings and pursue this rap thing
Kiss my baby sister and tell her I’ll be back man
Im on I-10 Eastbound to Manhattan

Yes-sir thats rap land

A one way ticket, a trunk of clothes

I spent my last 25 cent on Pac Man
Mr. Bus Driver set me free,
Just take me to New York and let me be,

~Departed (c) Jay Electronica

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When was the last time you used music
to get yourself through a rough spot?

What did you listen to? What song do reflexively you skip in the ipod?

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Heaven Only Knows: Waking Up with a…..Song in My Head



I woke up last Saturday with Heaven Only Knows spinning
in my head. So I turned on i-tunes, and put it on repeat.
All I could think was how the lyrics nailed that painful
conversation from the preceding Thursday and I was floored.

Last night was the worst night
Beginning of the end
Or maybe it began before
and here we go again

Things got so dramatic

Things got out of hand
We said words we couldn’t imagined I don’t understand

There you go with the same old thing
When things go wrong you always seem to blame me

Now I would like to find what secrets hide in your mind
Where the end will go Will I ever know
~Heaven Only Knows (c) John Legend.


I then decided to send SJ another note.
Next, I put on that lovely dress sheer dress I just bought.
Went out with mom’s, bought some some new headphones.
(Somehow the old ones got killed during January’s martini
marathon).

Besides, I have been ‘noid about being on public transportation
with white ear buds. I was an ipod early adopter, so I have never
been shook about wearing them. But now that
everybody and they momma know that the white
ear buds=ipod, I was reluctant to wear them on the bus,
as I am
not trying to get jacked by some young buck who is looking
to cop cell phone bill money.

Getting hip hop back felt so good.

Jay’s song, Departure, is so vivid that
I can envision the piece being acted out on stage as one
of Danny Hoch’s Hip Hop theater pieces.
Listening to it, I came to the conclusion
that the next piece I am going to write is a fictitious account
of a confrontation that my mother has with my sister- in a
hospital room. Intense right?

There is nothing like good music to help you keep your focus.

Do you remember the I can’t listen to Nas post, well, I think this
post is the the book end.

So he and I have been writing to each other.

Out of all of this I was most surprised by my resilience.
I thought that because I was a puddle on Friday, I would continue
to be one, but that wasn’t the case.

When I talk to him SJ now, I must
say there is a clear appreciation for the other person that
hasn’t been present in our conversations in a long time.

What will happen, in the long run, Heaven Only Knows.

*Whop is indigenous Oakland slang used to illustrate the
convenience of able to do one or more things at once.
“Man, I could have downloaded the new Jay-Z and Ye-ye
all
in one whop, if I had more drive space”.

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I am trying to trust my instinct and
not
be too rash on this one.

How do you quiet to noise so that you
can hear your gut speaking?

When was the last time you didn’t listen
to your gut, and paid for it in the long run?

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