2 Train Wisdom

Last Tuesday, I ran into a homie, Simone, on the 2 train.
She is in BK now,
but she is from Oakland, and we both know
common people.

We are cool, but not tight. This is important to note because
of the significance of what she went on to say to me.

I know Simone to be real down to earth and honest. We were chatting,
catching up on school and babies, then
we turned to relationships. When
I last
saw her in August, she said “M.dot, if you want a baby and
a partner,
pray for both, because I prayed for a baby, and I love
my child but I
didn’t pray for and I don’t have a partner to help
me raise her.”
I then gave her my relationship rundown.

Simone: You asked for God to take him out your life
and bring him back when he was ready.
Me: Yes.
Simone: Then you got what you asked for.
Me: What about what happened in the meantime?
Simone: It’s none of your business.
Me: I also asked God to take him out my life and fill in the
Simone: Did God do that?
Me: Actually yes. I was able to get things done, I had company,
I was able to shift my recovery into high gear. But, I ain’t feeling this.
He lied.All I have is my word, and when you have very little money, your
word is all you have with people. I didn’t treat him like that.
Simone: He is not you. That is great that YOU are like that but
other people come to you the way that they are. Besides people
have to be given the space to tell the truth.
Me: Your right. I can be an idealist who expects people to deal
with things the way that I do. (Her statement about people being
given the space to tell the truth resonated with me because of my
gender politics and how I feel that many Black men who are gay, and choose
not to share that they are, do so because they are not given the space
to be honest with their lovers or families.)

I then mentioned that Filthy [Birk] had been coasting early our
relationship. He was checking for me, but not treating me like the
one that he “he won’t let get away.”
She stopped me.

If he was coasting, then it was on
you to mind your
If that means dealing with other people or
being exclusive, that
was and is YOUR choice.” Part of
me wanted to squinch up my face
and stomp and scream.
But she was right. It was my choice
to be involved, be half
involved or simply to walk away.

She left me no room to be a victim. While I didn’t like the fact
that she was saying it to me at the time, I will forever love
for it. Remember the victimhood post? Yes, well,
acknowledging how
my choices brought me to my
current situation has helped
me remained focused on
what God has for me, and not reacting
to what another
person says or does.

Between this conversation, and thinking and reflecting on
what the healthiest choice for me was, I had decided to
leave the door cracked for
Filthy to demonstrate how
is an action, how love is work, courage or both.

I don’t take this decision lightly. I was once engaged and I
came to conclusion after that relationship ended that it
mattered less to me how much baggage a person had,
and that it mattered more whether the person had the willingness
to do the work to deal with the past and recover from it. I
realized that this was a great theory
to have, now was the
opportunity to practice it
. (Sometimes, yo odio when theory
meets practice.)

Then I received an e-mail yesterday from the woman that he
had a borderless relationship with. When I checked
my inbox and saw the e-mail, I just looked up like, okay God,
you have messages for me today, I see. She called me and we had a

and I realize that in some ways I was in a borderless
relationship as well. I learned that they hooked up in June and August.
I was tight. However, the past is that past and there ain’t shit that I
can do about that today.

I wasn’t sure what her intentions were in calling me.
The stated reason was to “share some things” that
she might have thought that I wanted to know.

I was lightweight suspect because I called her in Aug ’08, in
response to an event invitation she sent. She was throwing an event
for Filthy and I wanted to surprise him with red velvet cupcakes.
I called her identifying myself as his girlfriend, stating that I wanted
to bring cupcakes and the shit
hit the fan. Apparently I was the only
one that got the girlfriend memo. Ouch.
Rather than call me back
she called him. (After this, Filthy and I went on to have a
conversation about relationship titles, etc.)
That being said, who
knows what questions could have been asked and answered
then, but that wasn’t Gods plan, right? Right.

This is important to me because sometimes we don’t make
phone calls or ask questions because the answer may
that we have to change our path and walk away,
or stop our behavior
all together.

For instance, I have a homie, Hot Momma Leo, and a few years ago,
I introduced her to a guy I was interested in. The three of us were having
drinks at a bar. A few days later she told me they mashed. I was
like WHEN? I just introduced you to him, and I told you I was
checking for him. She claimed that she didn’t know, which
was ridiculous to me at the time. Assuming that she didn’t
know, why didn’t she ask? When he went to the bathroom,
all she had to say was, “Aye, is that you?” Done. Simple. Easy.
What eventually came out, is that if she asked, she
might hear no. So rather than hear no, she didn’t ask, so that
she could continue doing she wanted to do

I still maintain my commitment to leaving the door cracked. Armed
with more information, I have my eyes wide open, and I have a strong
faith that if there is anything else that needs to be revealed to me, it will be.
Having parents with addictive behavior has forced me to understand
both the power of forgiveness and the importance of understanding
that I cannot control others. I can only decide to be in a situation
or remove myself from it.

For now, I remain open to what young Filthy has to say.

For a long time, my father disappointed me, and it took him
15 years to get his shit together, deal with his addiction, recovery
and become a consistent presence in my life again. This doesn’t
mean that because my dad struggled I make myself some dudes
doormat, but it does mean that we all need to be given space and
forgiveness if we are to address the past harms we have done to
others in life.

I have a tendency to beat myself up when I make a mistake.
It is a perfectionist tendency and a natural consequence of my
childhood. This of course is really problematic
because as humans we all make mistakes. Our mistakes remind us
that we are human. I see this as an opportunity to practice both
aknowledging my humanity and someone elses as well.

Filthy says he is a changed man. The future will confirm whether that
is the truth. I sit back, not reacting, letting life unfold. Can I tell you
how amazing that feels?

It also helps that I just learned that I am a finalist for one
of the graduate school programs I applied to. (So far, 1 Rejection,
1 Finalist.) Now I just need a writing gig that will let me afford
a membership at the Country Club Gym. Big {TEEF} Smile.

You forgiven anyone lately or decide enough is enough?

What stops you from asking questions that you know you need
the answers to?

Why is it so much easier to hold on to being angry than it is
to look for a solution?