I was suppose to go to Dallas this weekend.

I called SJ last Wednesday.

The ticket was purchased during the post
break up “lets see” era.

I asked him if I could still come. He replied
neutrally, “ummmm, don’t know if you want to do that.
I would love to see you but, it just may not be…”

I told one of my homies I wanted to go.

M.dot: I want to go to Dallas.
Homie: Ok. Why?
M.dot: I want to say goodbye in person.
Homie: Hmmp. I can see that. But….
M.dot: But what?
Homie: Its natural to want to do that. What do you
expect to get out of it?
M.dot: I want to see him and say good bye in person. But…
Homie: yeah…
M.dot: He prolly gonna make me mad, and we will fight and I
will end up at the airport early.
Homie: Ok….
M.dot: Whhhhhhhhhhhat?!?^&?& ***Gets irritated. Say it!
Homie: Don’t you think by going to the epicenter
of the pain you may hurt yourself further?
M.dot: Yeah. You have a point.

Sunday evening I caught it. I was good until about 6pm.
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My momma stopped by the Whole Foods
to kick it with me. I thought she was gonna clown me
about how boogie it was, but she didn’t. She liked my hat.

Around 7pm, walking home, after I blogged, I just felt
unshakably blue.
Upon reflection, I should have posted this last night.

I mean I had quite a weekend. I got my stuff out of storage.
Old clothes can be like old friends. Snug and comfortable.

I saw dig dug. Mis favorito, even though those Gemini’s in him
drive me nuts.

And I learned that Filthy is coming to visit Cali, he got people
in The Bay.

Then at 7pm, it was like the sadness socked me in the grill.
I missed him. I missed my friend.
Not because I wanted to talk to him per se, but because so many
things happened this weekend that, in the past, it would
have been so natural to share.

Spiritual things, transformative things. In a way, Sunday night was
about accepting that they won’t be shared, at least not the
way they were before puddle Friday.

In a lot of ways, I imagine that the conversation
that I had with myself last night is the same one
that cats have when they are about to serve a bid.

Hold ya head.
Even if your in pain, its temporary.
It’s uncomfortable, but it will pass.
This isn’t harder than anything else you have done before. (~gotty)

Erykah’s joint couldn’t hold me down anymore,
I had to take it back to the My Life album.

And I’m good better now.