Happy Birthday Jonzey

Girl. Where do I even began.

I love you how Sula loved Nel. In fact teaching Sula for all of these years has helped me to better understand our friendship. Time.

Especially seeing that you have been there for every major break up I have ever had in my life. Morrison’s Sula made our friendship make even more sense.

I think about you every day. I oscillate between wishing you were here and being grateful that you don’t have to navigate this piece of shit assed world.

Often times I just settle on the fact that God saw to it that I was fit to be your friend through so many cross country moves, so many apartments, so many holidays, so many summer plans and so much advice. So much advice. Time.

Do you know that you are the only person in the world who could tell me the truth and I would never second guess it?

In part it is because you held pregnant pauses where most people rambled. You remembered everything.

I remember when I was deciding whether or not to leave my ex and I asked you, “All things aside, give me your advice on whether I should stay or go. Tell me the truth but don’t be mean to me.” You said “You are either going to have to develop thicker skin or be okay with being miserable because you both get mad at one another and speak terribly to one another. It does not look like he is going to stop.” I will never forget hearing that information from you.

There is no one else in my life who could have said that to me without me swinging on them. There is also no one else in my life that I would have even trusted enough to ask that question. I knew that I could ask you and I knew that you would never weaponize it against me. A once in a lifetime friendship.

After you said that I knew I needed to leave and I did.

I went to Brooklyn in March and I sat in Moes and thought about you. Someone said “you talk about her like your partner died.” Honestly the way you know me. It does feel that way at times. Everyone thought you were fantastic. People adopted me because I was missing you. I was in mourning. (Ft. Greene look atrocious by the way.)

Remember that time we were there during Afropunk and you told me we have to go and I didn’t even question you? I just finished my beverage and left. YOU KNEW that the person sitting next to you was getting ready to start something with me, and East Oakland don’t play. I didn’t question you.  I just paid and left. We just dipped. Hood rules. I never second guessed your judgment.

But it was not just the way that you knew me. I knew you. I knew that you always asked for your salmon to be cooked hard at Sharaku which made my eyes roll.

I knew that you would always over plan on vacations. Queen of doing too much because you had to squeeze every activity in. Then you would turn around be tired after having had a vacation.

I knew that your treat after a bad day is that white mocha at Starbucks and fries from McDonalds or Wendy’s.

I knew that you missed your grandmother tremendously.

I knew that you loved all of the work that the Girl Trek ladies were doing because they focused on community and health. I knew

I don’t even dare give myself a pity party because I think it is an affront to God. How many Black women even get to know someone like you? I can’t even bring myself to spend the Chipotle card you sent me in the “girl get your degree” care package you sent me in 2020.

A positive patty. Always down to help. To work. To listen. Painfully empathic.

Who loves Black women in this world? In word and deed? Very few people especially when it comes to not valuing us BASED on what we do for others.

Who loves us simply because we believe we have a right to exist in this world?

I think that the thing that we both admired about one another is that we both had immense courage in a world that simply was not kind to us. We made a way out of no way. We were happy when people understood us and took it on the chin when they didn’t because we had each other.

Here is the thing about you. You were weird. Proudly weird. One of my nick names for you is Black girl Daria. Because Daria was weird, precocious and nerdy with these over sized glasses but she knew who she was on the world.

In fact, the newest Netflix version of the Adams family focuses on Wednesday and she is dead pan, aggressively dark humored, done with this world and, dedicated to building her own internal universes- just like you.

I will never forget when you told me you had four degrees. FOUR. A JD and an MFA. You was going to write the contracts and make the movies? BOFFEM? You did. You did. Why do Black women go to school so much? Because we like rainbow wigs, good food and we like to help the children in our family. We know what it is like to be smol and need help. We don’t believe in pulling up the ladder after we got on. We believe in mitigating the horror.

It was a gift to simply observe your light.

We was girls together. Happy Birthday Marquette Jones.

 

I cannot believe I have to live in this world without you.

Love,

Renina

 

A version of this letter will appear in my forthcoming book “Black Girls Are From the Future vl II.” Available for preorder here.

I am also fundraising for my sabbatical here.

Thank you for reading and supporting me.

The holidays are thick Ya’ll. Take good care of yourselves.

————————————————

Are you missing anyone this holiday season?

What do you think makes a good friend?

What do you think is the most remarkable aspect of friendship?

Arielle Loren Asks “Is Beyonce the Face of Contemporary Feminism?” My Response

We need to be clear about who we are trying to be equal to.

In her blog post Arielle Loren asserts that most women do not identify as being feminists even if they share its core ideologies, that there has been a shift in the contemporary agenda for women’s equality and that women are tired of rhetoric of hardcore oppression and patriarchy. She goes on to say that “frankly, all of the traditional feminist criticism of her “Who Runs The World (Girls)” video is just another example of the disconnect between intellectual theory and real life.” Beyonce is the face of contemporary feminism because women feel empowered listening to Beyonce’s music, so consequently, they take this “power” with them as they go on about their day to day lives.

Interesting.

Let me lay out my assumptions.

Feminism is not about being equal to men. All men are not equal. A black man  from 135th street with a Harvard MBA does not have the same social capital as a Black man from 135th street who just got out of Rikers. Full stop.

Next.

We need to be clear about who we want to be equal to. In fact, we need to ask do we want to be equal or do we want to be free?

Second assumption.

Black feminists are rooted in Love.

Black Feminists are interested in creating spaces for men to feel because men who don’t feel do not know how to Love. Black feminists are interested in holding themselves, and others accountable when they say racist, homopobic ‘ish, because thats how we roll. Black feminists will get up in that behind when a rapper tries to make jokes and bets about non consensual choking of women during sex. Peace to Jay Electronica. The Black feminist I know are rooted in Love. Being rooted in Love means that you understand that you will not be able to have meaningful emotionally invested relationships with another adult until you have forgiven you one OR both of your parents for abandoning you. Peace to all my homies who are in therapy. We grown.

Black Feminist Love is hella grown.

We are so grown that we understand like Arielle Loren does, the importance of Black women being able to be sexual, complicated, whole human beings. We understand that is is particularly important for Black women who are rendered 50 million ho’s on the regular in pop culture. The mission statement for the Black Feminist blog  Betta Come Correct states that:

BECAUSE BLACK FEMINIST SEX IS THE BEST SEX EVER…THIS IS ALSO A WAKE UP CALL TO ANYONE WHO INSISTS ON INTIMACY WITHOUT ACCOUNTABILITY, CONDONES VIOLENCE AGAINST BLACK WOMEN, OR REFUSES TO BE TRANSFORMED BY THE ECSTATIC MIRACLE THAT BLACK WOMEN EXIST. YOU ARE SERIOUSLY MISSING OUT.

So Black women having space to be multidimensional and whole is a part of the contemporary Black feminist agenda.

Back to Beyonce.

As you many of you know I have done a lot of writing about Beyonce, because I am concerned about how the messages that she conveys shapes expectations within Black heterosexual relationships. Given the fact that she made 80 million dollars in 2007-2008 and that earning that kind of money is extremely rare for people in general Black women in particular, Beyonce’s messages influence society and they shape how Black women look at themselves and their partners. Black women are not allowed to earn nearly 100 million dollars unless they are beautiful, talented, non-threatening to White men and they convey historical stereotypes about Black men and women. Dave Chappelle walked away for a reason ya’ll.

Because I care about Black women, I pay close attention to what Beyonce says.

It is dangerous to make open statements that women run the world, because there is so much evidence women get the shit end of the stick in the world.

Black, Latina and Asian women are sex trafficked in the Bronx, East Oakland and Las Vegas.

Eastern European women are sex trafficked globally.

After order generic levitra the disorder of erectile dysfunction was stress. The doctors were able to prescribe an appropriate antibiotic medication, which helped bring down the infection in about three months. buy brand cialis Avoid consuming alcohol as it impairs online viagra australia the effectiveness of this drug. This http://secretworldchronicle.com/2017/07/ cialis rx important measurement of health is easily made by calculating a person’s weight (which is usually in pounds in the US) and dividing it by the normal water. kamagra has been found an FDA approved the chances of severe side-effects alleged less. An estimated nearly 100 Million female fetuses and girl children have been aborted or neglected in China and India over the last thirty years.

Women are 50.7% of the US Population. Yet, women are only 16.4% of Congress. They are 17 of the 100 members of the Senate. They are 73 of the 435 member of the House of Representatives.

Women are routinely paid less for the same jobs that men do and this is broken down by race.In fact when I told my students two weeks ago that they could graduate from college and be offered less money, just because of what was between their legs, they looked depressed.

They couldn’t believe how profoundly unfair it was. When I said that “Women are cheap labor” they looked mortified. I explained to them that shutting down was not going to create a more just and equitable world. That they cannot change a system if they do not understand it. And now that they do know that women are offered less money to do the work that men can do, they are expected to go out into the world and change it. Peace to the Equal Pay Act.

Poverty is feminized in this country, meaning that a main predictor of poverty is having a baby because children are expensive (childcare, healthcare, food, clothes, shelter) and there is very little support such as state/federal child care, paid federal family medical leave, support for families who work full time as parents.

We need to be honest about who we are tying to be equal to.

Women do not run the world. The world shits on women. Ask Ester Baxter. Ask Susan Giffords. Ask the woman who claims that she was assaulted and raped by the former President of the IMF. Ask Shaniya Davis’s family.  Ask Ayianna Jones’s family. Ask Sakia Gunn’s family. Ask. Ask. Ask.

Now if we want to celebrate the catchiness of a Beyonce song, or honor her athletic ability, her fierceness as a dancer, that is perfectly legititmate. But to call her the face of modern day feminism is ahistorical and a slap in the face to Black, White, Latino, Asian, Muslim, Native American women and men who have been working to change our world so that being born with a vagina does not automatically mean being raised to be someones wife, street harassment material, nanny, slave or prostitute, but a fully developed human being.

For more readings on the history of Black Women and Feminism read:
Righteous Discontent: The Women’s Movement and the Black Baptist Church 1880-1920 by Evelyn Brooks Higgenbotham
Living for the Revolution by Kimberly Springer
Radical Sisters: Second Wave Feminism and Black Liberation in Washington in DC by Ann Valk.

For more readings on Black, White and Chicana Feminisms:
Separate Roads to Feminism by Benita Roth

For more readings on Third Wave Feminism
To Be Real, Ed by, Rebecca Walker
“Under Construction: Identifying Foundations of Hip Hop Feminism…” by Whitney Peoples
On Being Feminism’s Ms. Nigga by Latoya Peterson <<<And I still have issues with the title.
Feminism for Real: Deconstructing the Academic Industrial Complex of Feminism, Ed. Jessica Yee.

My post on R. Kelly and Julian Assange mentions some good books on feminism as well.

Thoughts. I know you have them.

Is positing Beyonce as “contemporary feminism” a move to come up?

What is your definition of feminism?

Music as feminist empowerment?

Black Feminist Love x Black Feminist Sex

A few weeks ago I was on a date with Mr. Playful, on the third try of attempting to see that daggumit new Matt Damon flick. I was telling him that dating a Black feminist is awesome because yes means yes, no means no, and everything turns on consent.   He just kinda looked at me like, ok, that Feminism, ‘ish sounds cool, I think. Lol.

Side bar: Interestingly enough, I have not heard from him in a few weeks, #GodbemovingPeoplearoundtoMakespaceBecause, Ahem, spaceisneeded?

The manifesta for Come Correct talks about Black feminist sex, but today I am thinking about Black feminist Love, (which are not mutually exclusive, per se.)

Black Feminist Love. Full stop.

So, my little play sister is going through a break up, and when I talk to her, I constantly have to think “What does showing her that I Love her look like in this moment?”

Sometimes it means allowing her to vent.
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Other times it means saying “If the little emails he sends you make you sad, then you have to tell him to stop. Contacting you is a privilege, not a right, your psychic space is YOURS to protect.”

Black feminist Love means holding people accountable, suggesting books that they can read to help them be more nimble thinkers. Black feminist Love means understanding that until we deal with our trauma and relationships with our parents, we will NOT be able to connect and have meaningful deep relationships as adults. Black feminist Love means pulling your homies aside and telling her that she is fucking up, without humiliating her. Black feminist Love means standing by the idea that everyone has the right to be who they are. Black feminist Love means forgiving your father even though he abandoned  you when you were a little bear, because we grown now and being mad at poppi is not what the streets want. Black feminist Love means that we understand that Love is transformative, precious and a gift.

So yeah.

Love.

#Boom.

Any thoughts on the ideas around Black feminist Love?