After writing that post on Nate Dogg, I spoke to Rob and learned that there is an entire dating blogosphere were men, Black and White, blog about their relationships. I always KNEW these blogs existed but I didn’t know that they existed across race and I didn’t know how popular they were.
The second thing that he mentioned is that in DC there is a concentration of what I will term men who fall under the Ugly Ducklings doctrine, cats for what ever reason or not, didn’t get play in college, high school or both or they are new to city living. Now they are working, got that government gig, a personal trainer and for arguably a range of reasons they treat many of the women that they interact with like they are expendable and replaceable. Which makes my ass itch, because I am a human being, you are a human being and why and the hell are you coming at me like that….Lol.
For instance, a boo snack (peace to @huny, @jonubian) I have been seeing since January has recently gotten into the habit of calling me late after he has marinated all through out the city on Saturdays. Now I told this negro man, on spring forward Saturday, be honest, be human, express your desire and we will take it from there. You calling or texting me at God awful hours, is just disrespectful. I know him to be a kind, considerate and an analytical dude, so I thought we were good. For instance he knows me well enough to know that decent week night date me is bier, a ball game and Chinese food. I mentioned the beef with the late calls again this past Thursday. And I #swearfoJesus I woke up Monday morning with a 12am missed call.
I was done. Like I have #toldyoass what not to do, and you gone do it anyways. Ummhmm.
I am a choice not an option.
As a writer I have to have tunnel vision. The downside to that is that I sometimes don’t see the possibilities of other perspectives. In having this conversation with Rob, I was able to see that I had been making the assumption that if Black peoples material needs had been met, then the ways in which we treated each other would improve. Why in the same hell I would think that, I don’t know. Wait, I do, my family fell apart when I was 8 when my dad lost his union job, so according to my own experience, stable employment meant, or arguably provided the conditions for an all good household and decent gender relations.
This is only partly true. Because I also know some people who have serenity no matter whats in their pocket. My daddy is one of them. But on Sunday when I was processing this I hadn’t gotten there, yet.
I think this all came to ahead because the last few days have been the first time that I have had a chance since work school started back in January for me to reflect. Normally I am on the work hustle, grading papers, reading four books, emailing students, calling my family, going on a date, praying, paying the rent grind, talking to my sisters. In short, there is very little time to reflect.
Rob also asked me a couple other questions that got the anthropologist in me thinking. I swear I do not know another man who can question my thinking, I mean poke holes in my ideas, but not come across like he is trying to dominate or belittle. He is a light, in some ways, for this reason. So he asked me when I was talking about Black gender relations, well what are my White girlfriends dating experiences like. I said I only know about their experiences in Black spaces. And then he asked do working class and low income Black folks relate to each other differently? I then began to think, wait, maybe I can talk to an older Black woman, who can tell me about how gender relations were in DC in say the 50’s or 60’s. Rob then responded that, during that time period, men and women got married earlier and far more often.
It was then that I realized that we are at a rare historical moment, not only in terms of electoral politics, and youth driven social movements in Egypt, Iran, along with labor movements in Wisconsin. We are also in a historical moment in terms of Black gender relations.
So boom. I got clarity today talking to @Afrolicious. And she asked me why I was sad. And I said, well, the constant negotiations that both my work and social life take is wearing on me. It’s cool, because I don’t have resentments, but its challenging because its work. I also said that it bugs me out that some of the Black people in DMV who are arguably some of the most well off in the history of Black people in this country have such janky gender relationships.
And while I was listening to her I had an epiphany. I realized that the material needs, having your food, clothes and shelter met are important, BUT, a person who is going to treat a woman, a Lover, a lady friend like a human being is going to do so regardless of whether these things are taken care of, if their spiritual needs are being met.
Its an issue of spirit. Not the material world. Not about jobs, or Ugly Duckling doctrines or degrees. But about realizing that the people that you interact with are spirits and deserve your respect or for you to respect them enough to leave them alone.
Peace to my little sister who has her heart broke right now. Little bear you will emerge stronger. Trust. With each break up I became closer to becoming byrd Girl. I Love you.
Have you assumed that if people had more cake, they would treat each other better?
Where are the women in the blogosphere writing about this? Why don’t we do it more?