This is the fucking impact of queer theory on my life. Dead assed.
So after sitting at the table grading mid terms and trying to figure out how to write a “statement of work” I high tailed it over to Goldy’s house for some BBQ as she had a couple of folks over.
And this is where being a Black feminist gets real for me.
So, of course Black sexual politics come up, and I am having a conversation with a guy and a lady and Goldy is off turning over meats or something.
And the lady says, “Can Men and Women Just be Friends?” And I ask a clarifying question, like what does just being friends mean? I also tell them that I write A LOT about Black sexual politics, so be forewarned. #IcomeWITHaDisclaimerNow?
So, I asked the question and the lady responded that just being friends was “not having sex.”
I thought, hmm, well if two people desire each other, the issue, for me, is that the desire doesn’t leave BUT your willingness to act on it is what changes.
And then I thought, shit gina, this goes for same sex desires as well.
Let me clarify.
It reminded me of a conversation that I had with Moya about queer, or same sex desire. The working assumption was that people HAVE those desires, but there is a distinction between choosing to act or not to act on those desires.
I do know that sexuality is both fluid, and subjective and I leave room for self identification. My point is that I am not saying that if you do not act, I will not see you AS what you want to be seen as. Because trust, I see you. I was just tripping last night off of how respectability politics permeates Black peoples lives. Meaning “just friends” = no sex, when the reality of our lives is that it is NEVER that neat and clear.
The question of Men and women “just” being friends confounds me because the question does not aknowledge the role the intimacy plays in sexual relationships and in non sexual intimate relationships (which can be hella dangerous by the way). Sometimes the intimacy voltron is more realer than the sexual one, because the intimacy entails someone BEING UP IN YOUR bone marrow. They know your pulse throughout the day.
Honestly, I think that capitalism (attempts to) rob us of the ability to see, name or claim intimacy. By this I think that the conditions of work toling away on a computer, or in a cube, or standing on your feet all day in a hospital or in a retail space doesn’t leave you any room to figure how to stay connected the basic human shit in other people.
Do you every think about sex and intimacy?
What about the distinction between having a desire and ACTING on it?