Pressed

So I met a jawn a week ago. No big deal eh.
He was pressing me. I obliged. He was double take handsome,
which I don’t do, normally. I typically do eccentric and cayute.

New year, new thangs.

I knew school was starting, I wanted to kick it, a little company
ain’t never hurt nobody.

Food one night. Drinks another. More food. Puttering around.
Awesome.

You know how you be out, and the person come meet you.
Or they about to eat, so they call you, cuz they know YOU
like to eat.

Or you gonna kick it with your girls, and then you be via text,
“Im out with my girls, but if I get in by 10, I’ll holler and we
could get some late nite ice cream or a snack.”

Well.

Apparently, I had up walls, initially or as he called it, “I
wasn’t invested.” This was mentioned to me when I asked
him, why he was just now telling me that he went to law school.
And I just came from my Janey y Teakcake adventure in Cali.
(More about that later.)

‘Neens had a whole lot to process boo.

So, after hanging out a few times over the last week or so,
he mentions.

“Well, you didn’t seem invested.” And I was stopped dead in
my tracks. He was right, I wasn’t. I mean given, the last month,
could I really be? Was it healthy for me to be, was the better
question, lols.

I wasn’t pressed.

So, it got a little “intense” I turn around and “invest” time, energy
daggumit if he ain’t pull back.

And that’s cool, because if I am direct, and you ain’t cool
then deuces.

I would be lying if I didn’t admit that my feelings are a bit hurt.
I didn’t stand up for myself on the phone tonight and I regret it.

Looking back, its really my ego thats hurt, and honestly I just
need to exercise my voice and my blog is the place to do that.

Given the fact that its just my ego, prayer will deal with that.

Event though he was fly, spiritual helpful bear, and let me ramble about Black women, gender and sexuality. Eh.
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I am my fathers child. I make friends wherever I go.

On a real note though, I also wonder, what it means for
someone to check for me hard, when I am not pressed,
then to shut me down when I am direct, like “Wassup, I’m
trying to kick it.” But play me close when I am
relatively indifferent.

Like, blood, you can only like Me when I mush you. We really doing that in 2010?

People who only like folks who are disinterested in them,
or unavailable tend to have profound intimacy issues, trust.

I have done my share of unavailable folks. I speak from
experience.

Peep game, I will repeat what I learned from the Two Train Wisdom.

Renina is checking for people who want to date her,
be her friend, invite her to stuff. Chasing unmet expectations
will have me sitting on the pity pot, for certain.

Besides doing so leads to victimhood type thinking.

To accept less is disrespectful to me and mine. This isn’t to
say that I always follow this creed, but I try.

Love me or leave me alone.

Either Way I will Learn and Grow.

Salud, to February, because,? Black girls need a new month.

Oh, did I mention that I have 3 books to read by Monday,
so my mind will be occupied, I just have to make certain that
my spirit y interior world is taken care of as well.

The greatest challenge, one of the many challenges of being in
school is reading the stuff, giving myself room for error,
not beating myself up when I make mistakes, realizing that
while I have earned my right to be here, it is in my best
interest to be humble.

Best interest.

Fearless and Vulnerable in 2010 on mine.

Are you ready for February yet?

Do you have a place to work out last conversations with people?

A process?

Date anyone double
take cayute lately?